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I've fallen in love outside my marriage

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  • September 19, 2016 at 10:28 am #115601
    Lily Jane
    Participant

    I should preface this that my marriage has been in trouble for a while, for a variety of reasons, including lack of love (I have love for the life and times we’ve created and shared together but its not enough, and I am not in love with him anymore the way you should be and have not been for quite some time, but have chosen to make it work in spite of this, because of the number of complications currently in our lives).

    3 years ago I met a younger man at work (I’m in my 40s, he’s in his 30s). I found him interesting but didn’t really begin to fall in love until the past year. We began talking more just as friends; about life in general and things that were happening for us in both our lives, dreams, hopes, problems, etc. and of course it took off from there. There’s no need for the details, just the fact that I am in love with him, it took me a while to really realize it for what it is, and looking back on my life with my husband, I question if I was ever really in love (we married very young, and I was expected to, I come from a very religious background though I am not anymore, I am an atheist, which is part of the trouble in my marriage).

    I hold out no hope of ever being with him. It just is what it is. I’m not his type and I’m pretty sure even though he likes me fine as a friend, he is not in love the way I am, of this I am certain. I am also certain he can sense my feelings, but values our friendship so much goes unspoken. Its painful and awkward. My heart cannot break because it already is. I am pretty sure I will always be with my husband no matter how unhappy either of us are, and I guess that sucks, but that is life. What I need to do is find a way to start letting go of how I feel, but remain friends, because we are really good friends. I helped him through with a break up with his own girlfriend and that might complicate some things too (in a friendly way, there has never, ever been anything inappropriate between us, and he is a very innocent party in all this).

    I guess I know the right thing to do, I just felt the need to get it off my soul and just try to start healing. I didn’t need this, I wasn’t looking for it. I am a faithful wife and I feel I’ve been a good one. But this. I’ve never felt it in my life for anyone, and had a dangerous thought about proposing an open marriage (I am pansexual oriented, and it may explain a lot) but I should know that is just a fantasy, and that I made a mistake marrying so young to someone who sincerely loves me, but I know who is not happy for a lot of his own reasons also. I dread any conversation and just think if I could heal before it becomes to obvious, I may be ok. I’m so sorry. I could die of guilt right now.

    September 19, 2016 at 10:50 am #115602
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lilyjane:

    You wrote that you come from a very religious background. The teaching of Christianity and the old and new testaments, I believe, is that a person is a sinner for the thoughts and feelings one has. It doesn’t take an action, a behavior to be a sinner: thoughts and feelings are enough to make one a sinner, and as big of a sinner as the actions of following up the thoughts and feelings would be.

    You wrote that you are now an atheist. I am suggesting you consider the following point that I believe is true: the biblical teaching is incorrect. A person is not a sinner- and is not guilty- for one’s thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are automatic mental events. They happen quickly and are not subject to choice. Therefore it is not congruent with reality, the reality of the workings of our brain, that we are guilty for your thoughts and feelings.

    Your last line is: “I could die of guilt right now.” You wrote that nothing inappropriate happened with your friend, therefore no guilt is warranted.

    If you would like my input on any other part of your share, please let me know.

    anita

    September 19, 2016 at 11:20 am #115604
    Lily Jane
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, truly. I think you are right. Its just old habits, and religions, die very hard. For the most part in my life, becoming an atheist has been very freeing.

    My main thing is remaining friends with him (he’s incredible and been so good to me) and putting my feelings on simmer. There’s nothing wrong with loving a friend, I certainly know that. But this is in love, big time. I know many of his bad habits, personality quirks and darkness. It changes nothing. He has very few other friends and little family he can rely on. he’s somewhat of a loner, very introverted and lonely at the same time. I’m in a relationship but feel very lonely (not a paradox when you know how it feels). I’m too old be the wife and mother he has said he eventually wants but concedes he may never have, given his personality (his words, not mine). There are 13 years between us, me being the older one. In these times that’s less of a problem than it used to be, but I am not by any means a MILF or cougar type, and neither of us are model types, just regular people. A lot in common with only a few differences (I am pansexual in my orientations, meaning I am attracted to a variety of types- both sexes, genderqueer, transgenders, etc and he probably wants a woman at least a few years younger than him if he wants to be a father, so it may be a singular difference but very important, I know.)

    So I don’t know. Far as I do know my husband has not seen it in me. He used to read me well but has been under considerable stress with many things and I’m not a first priority anymore, and he has been less focused on me. So if he feels it, it frightens him and he will not confront it or he doesn’t notice at all. He stays out of my personal business far as my phone and emails, my circle of friends and such because of an incident many years ago where he violated my privacy in a terrible way and humiliated me deeply. Took a long time to get around and he promised he never would again, though I admit it still angers me and I’ve never dealt with it fully or gotten over it. But my conversations with my friend are not inappropriate, just personal. it would violate his privacy and dignity as well and I will not allow that to happen. My feelings haven’t seen the light of day and probably should not.

    September 19, 2016 at 11:47 am #115616
    MrsInconsolable
    Participant

    Dear LilyJane,

    I can understand that you’re in a situation which makes you very unhappy & your husband probably isn’t happy too.
    Maybe you should just talk to him and tell him everything about how you feel right now and discuss how he feels and what he thinks is the best solution. Nothing is better and more fair than the truth.
    If you don’t love him, it is okay to break up with him. You don’t need to be with anyone if it does not make you happy.
    Just listen to what really makes you happy, what your heart wants.
    Maybe your husband just wasn’t the right person and you two were too young.
    And maybe one day you will meet a person that will make you happy and you’ll experience true love and you will see that you deserve so much better and that you’re not as bad as you think you are.
    I hope you feel better soon.
    Xo

    September 19, 2016 at 11:52 am #115617
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lilyjane:

    Well, your feelings are seeing some light of day right here and I think it is a good idea for you to express some of them here.

    I am thinking a few things: if you accept it fully, that it is okay for you to feel whatever it is that you feel, and that there is a valid message in whatever it is that you feel, then you will peel off- from your in love feelings- the feeling of guilt and shame. Once you are left … only with the feeling of being in love, that will be a different experience, way less alarming and distressing.

    Having mentioned the valid message, seems to me it is: you need love in your life, closeness, togetherness.

    Regarding the potential future with the younger man, since you did visit the topic: I don’t think the age difference is necessarily a problem (and it won’t make you a cougar because, as I understand it, you are not in the habit of pursuing younger men). It is also not necessarily a big problem that he wants children, as he may change his mind or want to adopt. Just pointing these out.

    You seem to be very concerned for your husband’s well being. Is your dedication to him fueled by your past religious beliefs about marriage? And/ or something else?

    anita

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