I fallen so far down that I dont see any way to fix my life. I almost think that it might be the best thing to kill myself as then all of the “secrets” will die with me and in that way I will help the other person . Three days ago I was fine and now Ive brought myself back to a place, kind of like a dungeon for all of my thoughts that Ive been familiar with for many years . There doesnt seem to be an end to it. I just want to get out of it. Ive thought about the field of forgetfulness, before you are born. Ive thought amnesia, maybe it would be like the field of forgetfulness without having to go there. Being hated, then hating yourself because thatpersons opinion of you means more than anyone elses. Peope keep saying love yourself, be your own best friend, but I dont even have a voice anymore? Every inspiraion I have all the things Ive written in the past whenever they come out of my mouth I can only think of one person. Its one thing to be hated by people you couldnt care less aboutt but to be hated by one of the most important people to you? Do you know what that feels like? I keep replaying in my head every disgusted look Ive gotten in my life> Then I tihnk that I deserve it. Because this person has decided that I am disgusting. And I do feel like a plague. What does a person whose aplague do with their life\? Continue to be a plague? I cant stand the disgusted looks. All the way from middle sschool all of the disgusted looks Ive gotten haunt me. All of the laughter at me haunts me. All of the boos. I cant seem to be that ray of light for anyone only the people I pass by that I know for less than an hour theyre th only ones that I can help. If I stay any longer I just end up hurting them. A week ago I thought a found the way out and it felt good as long as I could hold on to my illusion. I would ignore the characters and just keep in my mind a memorie of what used to be or of what I wanted to see and dwell on that as I sang. And thats what kept me going for a few days. But once I saw what actually was I dont have a voice. My voice, my words were my way out I thought, now that I lost them I see no way out except for that ending. I feel worthless, wheen Im worthless in his eyes. If I go through with it, they wont have t odeal with my annoying pressense They will be completely free and Ill be comely free as I wont remember anything of what came before . I ll be ab;e to start new. I just dont want to be worthless and live with that feeeling. I wont to forget everything. iVE been tortured for the last lear. My mind was played with and my spirit to where I realized that this person wid not believe in God but knew that I did abd used that to make me hATE Myself. I realized like this person that God in the way that I thought was not real. Three was noonw lest to hate or blame but myself. My mom says ” the world doesnt give a shit” people step pver dead bodies” Because Im not the object of your desire anymroe I dont matter. Im just the dirt thst you sweep off of your shoulder. I want to be somoenes dreamgirl or support system t hey run away from me. I dont know how to love myself. No one in my house really loves me, maybe my sister but she cantr help me. I dont know how to help myself anymore, If I go out in front of people to sing the words wont come out right and Ill get laughed at and embarrased. I feel like hes hoping that Ill disappear by saying “You dont matter”