Hi,

I think I just need to vent. But any response on your thoughts would be appreciated. For about 3 months I had been feeling jealousy toward the relationship of 2 of my closest friends. It wasn’t a case of me introducing them they just found each other by chance. I was actually very happy that 2 of my closest  friends also became friends. But starting in October I started to feel jealous. It seemed like they were hanging out with each other ALL THE TIME. And all I could do was watch. It was like they planned a sleepover with each other every month and were FaceTiming everyday. I don’t mind the FaceTiming at all because me and my friend usually send each other videos throughout the day instead of texting. But it was the sleepovers. In the entirety of our friendship me and (let’s call her A) A have never hung out one on one. But she and (the other will be called B) B always have the time for each other. I felt so left out. We recently started a group chat with all 3 of us which I’ve been wanting to do for a while and I absolutely love talking to them. But every once in a while A and B will be having a conversation and I’m kind of just there because it feels wrong of me to be speaking in the midst of their convo but that’s how groupchats usually work. Though I didn’t say anything there was this one instance where B had recommended us a cute show they had just finished watching. Then a few days later A say’s that she started it and they start planning to call each other so they can watch it together. All this in the group chat and i’ m just having to witness it which sucked because it’s like “hey I’m here too!” I didn’t wanna say anything because I don’t wanna insert myself in people’s business like that. If they wanted me there they would’ve asked right? This is so long right now I apologize, but that’s just some background I guess. When I first started feeling jealous I actually couldn’t recognize the feeling cause I hadn’t really felt this way toward a friendship before but when I did I thought it would just pass because I had acknowledged how I was feeling but it didn’t at all. I started to get really affected by my feelings. Whenever A would text me to let me know that she was on FaceTime with B (we usually let each other know we’re busy if we can’t get back to a texts right away) I would feel a pang or something in my chest and get annoyed but at the beginning I didn’t feel that way at all. Not annoyed at them but rather the situation. It felt like we would be having a conversation and A would just disappear and it wouldn’t be later that I realized that they were probably on call. It felt like I didn’t matter or that she liked B way more than me and I was really scared of her leaving me. I’ve started to discover that maybe I have a thing with abandonment and not feeling like I’m enough which I’m working on. So recently I told A how I felt. Everything that I’ve been feeling for the past 3 months from jealousy to annoyance. Before I told her everything I took a week break from talking to her to get my thoughts and feelings sorted out (ofc I texted her letting her know that I needed some space). I tried to make it abundantly clear that I don’t expect her to stop being friends with B just because I’m feeling jealous and that this is a problem that essentially has to do with me and things I personally need to work on. Nothing is her fault at all. She explained her side of things to me like how she’s usually engrossed in convo (which I understand cause I’m the same) and how she doesn’t mean to push me to the side and how she’ll never just leave me like that. But then she said something that rubbed me the wrong way and hurt my pride. She said “I’m not just gonna stop being friends with someone because you’re jealous” and that really hurt me because the whole time being my friend I thought she wouldn’t see me as that person. And as I said earlier I tried to make it abundantly clear that I did not expect her to drop people at all. I even emphasized the fact that I’m happy that she and B get along and are having fun with each other. Yes I got angry but ofc I took a breather before texting her back because I did not wanna blow up on anybody. I basically stated in a response that I tried my best to make it clear that I don’t expect that from her and how I’m not that type of person and how that hurt me because I thought she knew me better than that. She basically apologized and said that that wasn’t her intention at all and how she knows I would never do that. But the thing is why did you feel the need to say it to me then? If you know I’m not like that then why say it? She went on to say that she felt uncomfortable and awkward and didn’t know how to talk to me at the moment which I totally expected because it was awkward for me too. I’ve never done something like that. She said she needed space which I respect because after all that I don’t expect us to go back to having a regularly convo right away. It was awkward for me too and imagining even having a regular convo right after made me cringe. I needed a break too just like she did/does. So she’s taking a break as am I. She texted me the day after all that explaining how when I said “I thought you knew me better than” it rubbed her the wrong way and she couldn’t stop thinking about it. And I apologized because that was harsh but I made sure to let her know that when she said “I’m not gonna stop hanging out someone just because you’re jealous” I felt the same exact way. We both could’ve found less harsher ways to say those things. But in the end I don’t regret what I did or anything I said. While I do admit that somethings could’ve been worded differently I feel like I articulated the way I was feeling in the way I know best and I don’t regret it one bit because it was starting to affect me mentally and physically just keeping it to myself. I’m glad I told her how I was feeling. I really am. Right now  she’s still taking a break and I do miss her but I’m going to be respectful of her space plus it wouldn’t do me any good to start talking to her right now anyway. I’m working on myself. I started to realize that in the end I felt less loved and important to her. That B was just gonna take my place and I would just be left in the dark. I don’t care about sleepovers I just wanted to hangout with her and be with her but it seems like B got to experience those things before I did and they haven’t been friends for that long. It sucks to see someone else experience the fun you wanna have with someone you love. All I could do was watch. I just wanted to know that I was important to her too and that she cares about me. I don’t know if this adds much but my love language is quality time and physical touch. I never get/got to spend any quality time with her in the entirety of our friendship but B gets to do that all the time. And what hurts even more is that we’re in a pandemic and they still have time for each other and I’m just here. I just wanna be loved too. But I think this break is for the absolute best. I’m using it as a time to work on myself and to get closer to B cause I feel like I’m not as close to her as I want to be. This break has made me realize how much time I spent talking to A and kind of not really talking to my other friends so I’m trying to reach out to my other 2 close friends as well. Yea I really miss A. But I can deal. Thanks for letting me rant. I apologize for how lengthy this is.

Thank you and Happy Holidays <3