Home→Forums→Relationships→Jealousy is destroying my life, really needed some advice..
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Anonymous.
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May 13, 2018 at 7:53 am #207095
AnonymousGuestDear Belle:
You wrote: “I am so ashamed and embarrassed of who I have become…all the names you think I am and wish to call me…”- I remember when I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, and I did, a whole lot, I imagined other people were those pure and proper people, authority over proper behavior, and their judgment of me, therefore, right and righteous.
It is only later that I understood it isn’t so, that if I am to consider the validity of another person’s judgment of me, I want to know who that person is, that is doing the judgment, how does he or she conduct his life, what are her choices? I don’t automatically take another’s imagined or real criticism of me as the truth.
As to your retroactive jealousy (I like the term), I believe it is about what you wrote here:
“but what do I believe?”
I think it is not only about what you believe regarding Jason, but what should you believe about people before him, all the way back to the people in your childhood. So many lies, so many pretenses, what to believe?
The obsession with Jason is that need in you, I believe, to know what really happened, who really were these people in your life?
We see “that vulnerable scared boy who is insecure” in a man, or that vulnerable scared girl in a woman, a mother, let’s say and think he or she is a good person, but is he? Is she?
How to figure this out…
Am I making sense to you, in my understanding of your post?
anita
May 13, 2018 at 8:10 am #207099
InkyParticipantHi Belle,
The reason you were entangled with these men is because you were vulnerable. These guys can smell vulnerability a mile away. And to work with you? The temptation was too great.
It’s interesting that you are more upset by the sad, insecure middle aged guy than you are about Kyle who had a secret family and who you had an abortion for. I think it’s simply easier to be mad at Jason than at Kyle. You can’t deal with the Abortion Trauma yet. Not to mention the past Abuse from others.
I say, if it’s possible, QUIT this job as soon as you find another. Ghost these guys. They are not worthy of you. Don’t even mention them again. And start over. Forgive yourself. We were ALL young and foolish once. You are older and wiser now. Never mix business with romance again.
Best,
Inky
May 15, 2018 at 8:21 am #207451
BelleParticipantDear Anita,
thank you so much for your response. I do understand your post, i believe you to be right. I think one of the factors to why i have become this obsessed is due to my past relationships. I have been around men like Jason for a long time, been brought up in that environment. Of both men, and woman, taking their insecurities out on one another. I too, have been in the pitfall of this behavior.
But i cant decipher it no more.. its becoming increasing difficult as i constant go back and fourth my own mind doubting the reality. Its why i am seeking an outsiders perspective. Maybe i am too close to see the truth?
Is this man truly so weak and insecure within himself, even at 50, that he has had to fabricate a whole life, speaking of hundreds of women? or is he really this way?
I feel cheated and betrayed by his meaningless fling with the lady in Thailand, but should i be? surely no.. he had no commitment to me, no obligation, we wasn’t together. why after a year do i feel so cheated and jealous of this?
my head is just an absolute mess, it should not have built up to the extent it has. But i cant let up.. let go.. move on.. because everything is unanswered.
i hope this makes sense. Again, thank you for taking the time to reply.
May 15, 2018 at 8:27 am #207455BelleParticipantDear Inky,
I think because I never got closure from Kyle. Why he did the things he did, said the things he said. Answers i will never know. I feel a lot the way i did with Kyle like i do Jason. I was weak, and vulnerable. It doesn’t excuse my decisions and i accept responsibility for the mess i have created.
I am so made at Jason, for being everything Kyle was. They both knew one another. I didn’t expect it to be this way, Jason is 26 years older, i wrongly assumed he would be more mature in love, and my feelings. He was married for 17 years. So i find it so difficult to believe his persona of hundreds of women. He claimed it to be true for so long i couldn’t cope. Then confessed out of nowhere, all his insecurities, his fears and why he fabricated a life that is not true.
Yet, becomes so defensive regarding it, regarding the woman in Thailand. It makes me doubt if any of its true, or a cover story.. i really just am lost in all this.
Thank you for replying Inky, and thank you for taking the time to read this.
May 15, 2018 at 8:42 am #207457AnonymousGuestDear Belle:
As to Jason, yes, it is possible for a fifty year old man to be insecure and make up stories of conquests.
You wrote in your recent post to me: “I feel cheated and betrayed by his meaningless fling with the lady in Thailand”. You are puzzled by the extent of your distress over that fling because there was no committed relationship between you and Jason before he left for Thailand.
So why the distress, why the extent of the distress and the duration? I think the reason for it is that his fling in Thailand, for you, is not about his fling in Thailand. It is about your experience of being cheated and betrayed as a child. It is the childhood experience of betrayal that is triggered by Jason’s fling.
Would you like to share about that betrayal?
anita
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