Just Ended It, Scared of Regret

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    5 hours ago, I told this guy that I’ve been seeing for 4 months now that I’m simply not ready and that I need time.

    Heres the back story.

    We knew one another from high school. From the first day of high school, there was something about him that I liked. As the years passed, we have shared intimate and meaningful moments, moments that feel like it was just him and I in the world alone. We did not talk all the time in high school, but we had handshakes in the halls, and we had moments that made my heart flutter. At my after prom party, I confessed to my friends that I actually might have feelings for this amasing guy.

    Fast forward to October 31st, 2017. We work at the same place, and there was a work party at my best friends house. He looked SO cute the entire night and I was really wanting his attention. We then snuck out the party and shared an intimate kiss. It was the best.

    We started texting and hanging out, but things started to move rather fast, and I didn’t notice it at the time. I was going through a time of insecurity and confusing, I questioned myself, what I wanted, who I was. I wasn’t in a place to dste, but I still went along with it because I wanted to try. One night, on our first date, he asked “are you ready to date? Because I can’t get hurt, I’ve been hurt too many times.” And I said “yes.”

    We talk and act like a couple for 3 months, but I didn’t wanna make it official. I was scared of letting go of the single life, and I wasn’t completely over my sad insecure phase, so that has a massive impact on why I just can’t date right now. He was getting confused and sad because this guy gave his all. He loved with all his heart and he did everything did me. I ended it with him on the 19th of February. Exactly one week later, we hung out, and it was the best day ever. All these feelings I had for him were hitined. I wanted to continue perusing. But as weeks went on, I realized that my mind is fuzzy, I’m losing friendships with my friends, and I’m making I’m unhappy but not being clear. I really wanted to try super hard, but I failed.

    Im not the type to enjoy chasing the guy, but the times I felt the most connection was when I had to go talk to him a little more and make an effort, because it made me happy to see him happy. On Friday, he threw me a surprise party. All was great till he got drunk and so did I, and we ended up trapped in a room for an hour. I’ve never been so broken by hearing someone cry. For the passed weeks, he’s been telling me he loves me, I haven’t said it back. It’s not because I don’t feel it, it’s because my mind is so so clouded that I can’t make a decision right now. But that night, I said it back. It’s weird because it doesn’t feel like I lied, it just didn’t feel like the right time.

    We stayed up there for an hour, and everyone downstairs was getting so mad because they wanted me to blow out my birthday cake, but instead I was with him upstairs.

    I woke up the next morning very sad, feeling as if I’m making everyone around me sad and angry. My happiness depends on those around me, and I can’t help it. I knew he was breaking and I can’t take it any longer. So this morning, I told him I need time.

    I do need time. I can’t date right now. I’m just so confused that it seems so wrong to enter a relationship not being mentally ready. He called me, not even sad anymore, just angry. He told me “I hate you”, “I’m starting to believe my friends about you”, and the conversation ended with him saying “Sierra, never talk to me ever again. I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t text me, don’t call me. Nothing.” My heart sank. My mom was next to me and I was crying so much it sounded like I was just screaming. My mom hung up.

    The thing is, he’s the sweetest guy ever! He’s given all of his time to me. He’s done things no one has done or ever will do for me. But maybe he was too intense right now. I feel like I was rushed into this without thinking. He told me he was drained from not knowing what I want, but I was drained from trying to cater to his feelings because he was super sensitive when I did little things.

    The craziest thing is, when I said I need time, I meant it. I want this time so I can confidently go back to him ready. His whole life, he’s been swept under the rug, and I truly want to be that difference that shows him how special he is. He deserves the world. But I think at times he was manipulating me. And he was.

    At the party, he was confessing drunkenly to my best friend all these feelings. “I just love her so much, I want to give her everything.” But it turned sour. He said how my friends aren’t half of what he is, and that he shouldn’t have to make me feel guilty for not hanging out with him. He openly admitted that he made me feel guilty purposely. I was so shocked. They say love makes you do crazy things, and I wish that I was at his level of love, but maybe that isn’t healthy.

    I genuinely see a future with him. I see us as adults, with kids, in a house, with a life that’s honestly great. I’ve never actually pictured  real future with anyone, not even my ex. To me, that says a lot.

    I’m taking this time so if or when we cross paths, I’ll give him 100%. That’s all he wanted from me, and I’m sure I’ll be ready to give that. But he told me that he doesn’t see us rekindling this, that I a second chance and that now it’s ober and done. I’m not asking him to wait for me and just delay life, I’m asking to take a breather and work on ourselves. He told me I lost his family’s trust. I believe it, he literally let me into his home 48 hours prior. He told me that I’m taking advantage and using him and dragging him, and that’s what all his friends say.

    Im not that type of person. I’ve shown multiple times acts that can prove that he’s not just some other boy that can be dragged around. I think of him MUCH more than that! I’m not lying when’s I say it, it’s so deeply true! He doesn’t believe me…

    We were just emotionally draining one another, I  just thought that time would help us. I think it will. He doesn’t see it that way. I miss him already. It’s only been a few hours, but I just sense that I’m letting go this great guy. He asked me why I never gave him a chance, I was scared. As bad as it sounds, I just wanna do the free, single life things before entering a relationship, so that I’ve entered with no doubts.

    Im scared. I was to commit. But I’m scared to lose him, I’m scates he’ll forget me. What if I forget him? Or what if I’m living in regret? I’m just scared. That’s why I’ve been distant, I can’t feel much emotion when I’m crowded mentally.

    He said those mean things to me on the phone, and it’s weird because I’m not even mad at him. He said some mean things to my bestfriend, and I’m not even mad. All these boys that I hadn’t unborn my mind, they’re all gone. I don’t wanna make a mistake. We’ve opened up a so much to one another, I told him things and he told me things that we’d never share with anyone else.

    I’m scared that I’m just a bump in the road in his life so that he’ll find someone better. I’m sounding selfish.

    I’m just so mad at myself…

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