Hi Nicole

Maybe it’s because I was in your position for so long during my marriage that I can identify with your story – whilst the circumstances were different, the manipulation was the same. Having had the benefit of a longer time since it all happened, as well as considerably longer on the planet, I’ll try to explain why I think you are an innocent victim in all of this.

Any person who is fundamentally kind and caring will have a natural tendency to make allowances for the behaviour of others, where we believe that they have issues or problems that they are trying to deal with. That is a wonderfully human trait which can bring great comfort to those who need it. All of us enjoy receiving, as well as providing, sympathy.

There are some, however, who take this to a whole different level. Those who don’t just enjoy sympathy, but who demand it – “sympathy junkies” if you like. No doubt there will have been something in their background which meant that they only got attention if something went wrong, or they hurt themselves, or they were upset. Whatever the cause, they crave sympathy because that is when people have to be nice to them.

What happens when a sympathy junkie meets a kind, caring individual? The danger is that it begins to descend into a controlling and manipulative relationship, where the caring individual tries to do everything that they can to keep the other happy, irrespective of the effect it has on them personally. Meanwhile the sympathy junkie just demands bigger and bigger fixes until ultimately the other has nothing left to give.

He found in you someone who cared about his problems. But instead of appreciating it, he exploited it. So he created more problems in order to get more and more sympathy out of you. The more you did for him, the more he demanded. And because you cared, you made allowances. So he exploited you even more. You say you “…felt compelled to stay and help him figure it out.” Not because you are stupid, but because you are a kind and caring person. And he loved the idea that you felt sorry for him whilst he was able to do whatever the hell he liked – he got the sympathy he craved even when his behaviour was outrageous.

So the reason I believe you are an innocent victim, is because you were doing what you did because you were kind and caring, not because you were being stupid or because you somehow got a kick out of it. I admit, from the outside, it looks very strange why anyone would put up with it. Having been in your position, I have had many friends (not only of mine, but also of my ex-wife) say to me, “What the hell were you thinking? How on earth did you put up with it?” But when you are going through it, you are made to feel as if you are just not trying hard enough, and that it is your fault. And you don’t blame your partner, because of all the “difficulties” they have.

You say that he feels that he is victorious, and got what he wanted. I think that was probably the case when you were still together. He was able to exploit his power and control over you to such an extent that you would live entirely according to rules he was setting. You even say how you were “…on thin ice and had to minimize my needs…”. His new woman, on the other hand, would have been putting pressure on him to make a decision. You were just going along with him, so because he is a weak, childish individual, he took the path of least resistance and left you. He thought that if it didn’t work out you’d probably come back anyway – after all, you had put up with everything else. But the thing is, you didn’t. You saw through it, matured and fought back. And that is precisely why he now has to make it sound like it is really what he wanted all along.

It takes a long time to understand how your good intentions were used against you. For me, more than 4 years after it ended, I still have tough days. Sometimes it might be reading the story of an abuse victim in the news. Sometimes seeing something on TV. Sometimes just speaking with a friend about what used to happen and seeing the look on their face. But then I read stories like yours and realise that it happens to others too. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t a masochist. I was exploited by someone who abused my better nature. So were you. And so, to hear the story of how a fellow “survivor” is getting her life back together and moving on is both motivating and inspiring.

That passion and fire burning inside you is going to propel you towards a fantastic future. And after all you have been through, that is nothing more than you deserve.