I’ve always been committed to understanding and facing my truths to the best of my ability, even when it hurts. And I try to learn from the mistakes I and others around me make, and to practice forgiveness when I can.

I just had a difficult long-distance relationship end in a really hurtful way. I feel hurt and angry by what he did (showed what I felt as contempt and dismissal of my feelings) and then I acted out in a childish way and ended up closing the door on us, and so I’m disappointed in myself and regret my actions. I knew the relationship needed to end, but I feel like i lost the opportunity to have closure with this person and perhaps forge a relationship that would have worked better for both of us. I have always remained friends with my exes, at least for a time, except maybe one, who was abusive. I’m not used to relationships ending in an explosion and then never talking to that person again.

He thinks I’m the bad guy here, I think we’re both responsible. I’ve apologized several times to him, but he’s never apologized to m. This is really bothering me, and making me question myself. Maybe he’s right and I WAS the only one who acted badly!

In my exploration of what happened, I also have been coming to terms with some hard things about how my emotions operate and have operated for my whole life. I’m very emotionally reactive, and even though I’ve done a lot of work on this, the reactivity still comes out sometimes. Even if I don’t outwardly react, I’m often deeply uncomfortable emotionally, and I think people can tell this, which is why it can be hard for me to connect with people in a meaningful way a lot of the time. Interpersonal interactions sometimes kind of scare me. This stuff eats away at me inside and I end up feel unbalanced and crazy. I think back to group events or times when I felt anxious with people and wonder if that’s why me ex didn’t like me anymore, etc. And then sometimes (not very often, not more than once every year or two) I act out and people see this part of me, and I feel ashamed and mortified at myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even healthy enough to be in a relationship.

On the other hand, I have incredible people around me who love me and show it, so I know I’m lovable. And I’m resilient as hell and, I think, a compassionate, kind, and good person.

I’m having a really hard time A) getting over this breakup B) forgiving myself for my actions and for my temperament in general, and C) forgiving my ex for not only his initial mistake, but never responding to my attempts to talk so we can better understand each other’s perspectives on what happened.

OK, I know it’s only been 3 weeks since this happened, but for some reason this is hitting me harder and in a weirder way than other breakups. It almost seems to be getting worse, not better. I question my maturity level, my true commitment to becoming a better person, and my ability to really live in this world successfully.

I think about all of this all the time, go to sleep to it at night, wake up to it in the morning. I’m having trouble functioning at work, and I go out with other people and just go through the motions. And, I miss him. A lot. Sometimes the memories of the good times just bombard me from out of nowhere and I have to take a deep breath. When I make plans with other people, I wish I was making plans with him and sometimes I cry.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent and see if anyone can relate or had advice or anything. Thank you!