Learning to forgive without talking to the person

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    I’ve been following this site for three years, but have only started posting recently. A year ago, my dad was in the hospital for having a heart attack and almost lost his life. This was not the first time this has happened, but contrary has occurred about six times throughout my life. The only difference is that my dad is now confined to a wheelchair. I’m not even sure why I’m typing this as it is not important to my story.

    Growing up, my dad had one father and four mothers (polygamous family) and it was reported by relatives that he didn’t like it. Nonetheless, he has grown to be a person who is addicted to fame and adoration. Unfortunately, he has a hard time showing affection to others. For a long time, I took it personal and thought it was me. Growing up as a kid, he rarely kept his promises and always chose someone else over me. This past summer, I came back to my hometown to help out with him and his medical appointments, but things went sour very quickly with his live in girlfriend. As my dad keeps a lot of secrets, everything is opaque. Nonetheless, he is still highly regarded by the academic community and it feels like to me that my feelings are not validated as I am told by many that I have to be there for my dad and to put aside my issues.

    I had a hard time doing this and making matters worse, his partner was being vindictive and did not allow me, my brother, and many friends/relatives to contact him. It took me a long time before I realized that my dad likes pitting people against each other. As a result, I removed myself from the situation fully and haven’t talked to him in almost six months. In hindsight, I realize that my dad is a narcissist. My question is how do I forgive him without speaking to him? My brother chooses to call him 1-2x/month and deals with the manipulation from his partner. I have no desire to talk to her again and as of right now, don’t want to talk to my father again either. He has caused me a lot of pain and I feel used and feel like he doesn’t care about me. I know that may not be true, but it’s how I feel. Nonetheless, I want to move forward from this hurt that has been festering for years, but don’t know how to do so. Any suggestions would be warmly welcomed.


    Dear Ellie:

    You wrote: “I am told by many that I have to be there for my dad and to put aside my issues.”- interesting, he had so far no trouble putting you and your well being aside.

    You wrote that you want to move forward from this hurt that has been festering for years. I encourage you to continue to have no contact with him whatsoever. When you do have contact with him, you do to yourself what he has done to you- put you aside.

    it is your life, and in your own life, you definitely and unequivocally should be center in it- you choose what to do in it, not others.



    Dear ellieslp,

    You can certainly do that “energetically” (and not physically) by doing the below forgiveness exercises.

    1) Do a variation of Ho’oponopono

    Continously chant/say,

    Simply say it! Say it over and over. Mean it.
    You may say it to whoever you believe as God, or to Nature, or to the Universe, or to Life, or to the Source of Creation, or to your own self, or simply in the air to nobody.

    Just say it either verbally, mentally, loudly or softly, however you want to.
    Say it as many times as you can/want.

    2) Another similar variation

    Example: I <ellieslp> FORGIVE YOU <by whatever you call your dad>, YOU ALSO PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME, THANK YOU.

    Keep saying this the same way as explained in No.1 Either mentally, loudly or softly or however it works best for you. You can even frequently write it and then burn/tear the paper.

    While saying “YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME”, put greater stress/emphasis on the words “FORGIVE ME AND RELEASE ME”.

    These energetic exercises are to break the negative link or to cut the negative energy cords between the both of you. The end result would be harmonious and in alignment with you and for your greater good.

    Remember to say it as many times as possible. You can even say it involuntarily (meaning: just like alphabets ABCD… without thinking much about them, or like singing a song). If you are doing something else and you are disturbed by his memories, then immediately start chanting and do it continuously till you are OK.

    Best Wishes,


    Thanks Anita, I realize this now and am happy. Maybe one day I will talk to him again, but my spirit is telling me to leave him be for now.


    Thanks, I’m going to try this tonight. I’m in a good place now and want to continue on this path.


    You are welcome, Ellie. Post anytime.

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