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letter not to be mailed….

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  • September 1, 2013 at 3:08 pm #41538
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I am writing this letter here and not to the person who I want to say these things to because I dont have the right intentions. I have a hidden agenda which will be harmful to me and him. I want him back because of the attachment I have to him and the Happiness i got in our relationship also my therapist thinks its a good idea as Ihave so much regret… so here it goes…

    My dearest,
    I want to write to you to let you know that I am learning a lot about myself in this journey alone. What I am learning is that I didnt have the right intentions in our relationship. I was clingy and needy because I didn’t think very highly of myself. To be honest, I hated myself. I am still trying to get to know myself. I tested u and our love a lot in our time together. I made u feel inadequate because I felt inadequate. I didnt trust you cause I didnt trust myself. I always told u that I am 100% honest with u all the time but that wasnt true. It wasnt true cause I didnt even know what the truth was. The truth is that I always wanted male attention in my life cause I never got any from my father growing up. Growing up and now, I went towards anyone who gave me attention even to a man who molested me when I was 7. All these memories were repressed in my brain cause I never took the time to get to know myself.
    I am not writing u to get sympathy. I am writing u tell you that u are not a monster. U are not inadequate. U were in love with a very sad person, in a way I still am a very sad person. U did try to get me to feel better about myself but I always doubted your intentions cause I was waiting for u to leave me. I have issues with trusting people and I kept trying to prove myself right.
    I am not denying the fact that we had our differences and many obstacles in our way but I know now that if I would’ve given u a chance, we would’ve over came all of it. I respect that u are in a relationship now and I wish u two well. I am still not ready to be friends with u as I am not over us yet. I also want to continue to soul search and find out who I am and what it feels to love myself.
    I thank you for loving me. I am sorry that I made you sad. U are wonderful.
    Sapna

    September 1, 2013 at 5:06 pm #41545
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    another thing i want to add is the fact that u i have already emailed him a shorter version of this story when we last spoke two months ago. i know he loved me. i know he tried but i kept pushing him. he warned me that one day he will get tired of my testing and i didn’t listen. i kept going. i feel like if i say these things to him maybe…perhaps …maybe there would be an ounce of love that will ignite in him and we will be together again. I feel like if I don’t email him, i will live with the regret of never knowing what would’ve happened if i did. I am not a gambling girl but i know that there is 99.9% chance that he will say “thanks for telling me this. i hope you get where you need to be…i wish you well too” and there is 0.1% chance that he will come back to me. I know love is a crazy thing. I know i miss him and us. I just want to reach out to him when i have clear intentions. When i know that that is what i want. This self discovery journey keeps getting me back to thinking of how bad i did in my relationship. i screwed up things with one man who loved me so dearly.
    P.S
    this has taken a lot of courage. The fact that i am not writing this to him shows me how much stronger i have gotten. I just wanted to put it out there and i would love to get opinions…thoughts…please feel free to be brutely honest with me. i need tough love. i don’t know what my therapist is thinking recommending me to contact him.

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