Letting go of Mr Unavailable

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This topic has 9 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by Christian Mills.

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July 18, 2016 at 2:07 am #109912

Milena
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Dear Tiny Buddha Members

I met this guy 3 years ago, at that time I wasn’t really looking for anything serious because I just got over my ex boyfriend. Anyhow he kept doing a lot of nice things, saying the right stuff so I got attached. After a couple of weeks I noticed that my feelings for him had become stronger and that I wanted to be more than just “friends with benefits”. I spoke to him about it and he let me know that he did not want a girlfriend right know, which was quite crushing for me. Nevertheless we kept seeing eachother, sometimes we would not see eachother for weeks because I felt like I could not handle it anymore, but we kept meeting eachother again after some time. I must say that our relationship was very physical and it was like a constant rollercoaster. I also never really trusted him, always had the feeling that he is lying to me or just saying nice things to get me to have sex with him.

In November last year I went to Thailand for 3 months, also with the mindset to get over him and take care of myself. While I was away he started texting me a lot more than before and also a lot nicer than before. He told me how much he missed me and that he wanted me, how he could not stop thinking of me and that he was counting the days until I come home. This made me quite happy but I was also a bit suspicious. I had the feeling that once I would return home that all his words wouldn’t mean anything anymore and that it would go back to the way it was. After returning home we saw eachother 3 times. After this I knew this wouldn’t work out, everytime we said goodbye I fell into a deep hole and got very anxious, upset and constantly thinking about what he is doing, what he is thinking and if he even cares about me. I would stay in bed all day, cry and feel worthless. So at this point I realised that to be happy I had to stop seeing him. I let him know that I cannot do this anymore. He texted me that he respects my decision and I felt great relief.

Since then I’ve been doing really fine, I’ve been feeling more in touch with myself, I felt like I love myself more and even started seeing other men and regaining the hope that the right Person for me ist out there somewhere – until yesterday. I was listening to some music and there was this song that I thought he would really like, so I sent him the link wishing him a nice day. He replies immedately and we start texting up to the point where he asks me if he can come visit me at my place. I said yes. I guess you can immagine what happened. Now the next day I feel so ashamed that I was not able to stick to my boundaries, I feel anxious again and sad for myself because I was really doing fine before seeing him yesterday. I feel ashamed because I put myself in this situation, I could have just not sent him that stupid song. I thought that I would be able to handle the situation but clearly I’m not. I’m asking myself why I cannot let him go and why he does not let me go? I don’t even know if I still have feelings for him, maybe it makes my upset that he never wanted me to be more than a hookup?(I forgot to mention that we had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk a couple of times within these 3 years). I hope I can get back to the place I was feeling better and just accept yesterday as a slip-up….

Has anyone ever gone through a similar situation? I would really love to hear some advice!

Lots of love,
Milena

July 18, 2016 at 7:08 am #109918

Patrice
Participant

Forgive yourself and go no contact with this guy. We have all done this, you know it’s the wrong person and you know whenever you are together, it won’t end well. Even a physical relationship begins to feel empty, because you know he is not emotionally present with you.

Get strong, don’t text him again and you will heal all over again. If he contacts you, tell him you can’t do this, because he is emotionally unavailable and you deserve more. Tell him he is preventing you from finding a healthier relationship and he needs to leave you alone.

July 18, 2016 at 7:30 am #109919

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Milena:

Over the time you were with this man you became emotionally attached to him, meaning the thought of him became connected in your brain with the emotion of comfort, of safety (this is what getting attached means). So when you started texting, following you sending him the link to the song, that emotion of comfort and safety got triggered, and so you wanted more of that comfort and safety. More precisely, you wanted more of that feeling of comfort and safety. So when he suggested coming to your place, you said something like: “Yes, more safety and comfort!”

Only being with him does not give you real safety and comfort, only the feeling of it plus some physical pleasure. And long term, in these 3 years, his contribution to your life is negative: anxiety, low self esteem, etc. So in reality, he gives you discomfort and is a danger (to your well being).

When he contacts you again, remember that he provides you with discomfort and danger following the temporary FEELING of comfort and safety. And be empathetic to yourself for having gone for, again, the feeling instead of the reality. Indeed, don’t we all reach out to that… third helping of chocolate cake that feels oh so good but the weight gained does not…

anita

July 18, 2016 at 2:51 pm #109951

Angel Joy Andis
Participant

Hi, I think my user name says it all, I am also “trying” to go no contact with a “friend” who was “more than a friend” but it was a very ambiguous relationship at best. He was a rock star, I was star struck, I got sucked in, it lasted for almost 4 years, and then we ‘stayed friends” i.e. stayed in touch until the shoe dropped, ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!I swear its been flying monkeys ever since. I haven’t contacted him in a couple of weeks, and I keep telling myself when I wake up in the morning “today is another day” so that is how I choose to keep going.
You mentioned “a song’ got you back in his clutches, I have come to see music as some kind of magic that works on the soul and like the double edged sword it is used for good or ill……I chose to delete his whole music catalogue from my library, and later reimported some of the albums I found too hard to live without, but then decided for my emotional safety in this vulnerable time to keep all his solo works as well as the band that brought him to prominence off my IPhone so I don’t have to be reminded about “us” or what we had (or didn’t) ….
It is hard and there are setbacks but hang in there its not impossible. They want your light, these energy vampires, all of them, if we weren’t already “all that” they wouldn’t be drawn to us in the first place. Stay strong, and it gets better….I love that I found this group on the day I decided that I am now an ex and not in an ongoing relationship.
Peace <3

July 19, 2016 at 10:50 pm #110112

Tatyana
Participant

Hey girl!!

I created an account just to be able to reply to this. What I want to say most is, I FEEL you, sister. I am currently involved with someone who has way to much power over me for my liking. I truly understand what it’s like to see things so clearly and objectively, and still be drawn in again and again like some sort of chemistry drug. As I am currently still in my situation and have not found the ‘end resolve’ just yet, I HAVE come to more acceptance for myself over this, and that has made a tremendous difference in the way I feel. The fact is, many people go through something like this- it’s part of life!! And it’s here to teach us so much. You are not singled out as a stupid or weak person for your tendencies to go back to him- that is NORMAL. I know you don’t like it, and you don’t have to, but I have found solace in just allowing myself not to be on my a-game for every arena of my life. I have found acceptance that this part of my life is kind of shitty, and it’s honestly adding much depth to my life experience by showing me what it’s like to have soul-quenching chemistry and to desire someone so badly as I do him. In a way, it’s rather a juicy experience!

I’ve been able to re-label it so it’s not something I feel so down on myself over, and that’s been the most helpful thing I’ve discovered in a place where my will power frankly isn’t a strong enough force at the moment. Maybe yours is now. Whatever happens, you will be OK, and I know this because you are a concious being! So I wish luck to the both of us.

July 19, 2016 at 11:04 pm #110113

Tatyana
Participant

I forgot to mention my story so you could see the similarities you and I have!!

-We met a year ago at a time where I did not want a commitment at all, and it just started out as great sex
-Very quickly feelings developed and we became a couple
-There were several red flags which I brushed aside because I really had him on a pedestal- he’s a lot older than me- a refined, older man who was so gentlemanly and did not reveal much vulnerablility at all so I was under this spell
-I eventually found out through some detective work on a couple different occasions that he lied to me about his age, no. of kids, no. of marriages, and that I was an affair. This all was found out whilst I was living at his place.
-I moved out only to see him again weeks later and be drawn back in. Several times.
-I then went to Asia for 4.5 months (starting in Thailand!!!) for myself but also grateful for the opportunity to be forced away from him for a prolonged period. He texted me a bunch at first and I felt so loved but then things resumed to his unopen ways that had me SO insecure and feeling so unsafe regarding his feelings and faithfulness to me (ha)
-I met someone else on my trip who totally fell in love with me and reminded me what it was like to be with someone open who I could fully trust and be my full emotional self with
-…then I returned and it was just a matter of a couple weeks before I was back at his place. Later when it was confirmed that he’s still with his original partner and she knows nothin about me…I wanted so badly to be able to walk away forever. It’s changed so much for me and I definitely don’t have the same rose coloured glasses on when I look at him anymore but I am still addicted to him and I still see him.

So. Yeah. I really feel you, sister.

July 20, 2016 at 7:53 am #110123

EnergyAngel
Participant

Wow this story sounds very familiar.

I too have just had a whirlwind romance with an older, extremely successful, wonderful man with very complicated personal life, (divorced with a six year old daughter who lives a 5 hour train journey away and he sees once a week, travelling back and forth).
I met him when I was just out of a relationship and he made me feel like a princess, treating me like no one else has and making me feel incredibly special. We had a very strong physical connection as well as an emotional connection and things seemed perfect for a while.

As my feelings for him developed I felt scared about making myself vulnerable when I didn’t know exactly how he felt.
Around 3 months in I could feel myself falling in love with him and began feeling anxious about letting my heart be vulnerable again but decided to trust the universe and let myself fall completely.
At around the same time I would feel his walls go up and he gradually began to make me feel less special and adored.
Instead of the initial feeling of euphoria I spent my days feeling up and down like a yo yo – sometimes feelings an intense connection and at others feeling like a wall was up for him, emotionally which made me anxious.
He never spoke about the future in terms of ‘us’ and may completely relocate in December but has no idea where he will live. I eventually asked the questions I’d been scared to ask – which is ‘am I part of his plan wherever he ends up?’

We’ve been together 5 months and he said he didn’t know yet and could we see nearer the time.
I made the difficult decision to say that this wasn’t good enough for me and that I wanted someone who was so bowled over by my awesomeness that they make me part of the plan. This was on Sunday and although I know it was the right decision I’m devastated that it’s ended.
I’m comforting myself with loyal friends and hoping that the universe will guide me in the next step – whether that be him coming back and realising he’s made a mistake or on my own and onto better things. It’s very hard.

July 20, 2016 at 10:21 am #110141
Michelle
Participant
I’m right there along with all of you ladies.
I’ve been messing around with a guy for over a year and a half. Same thing, physical attraction, comfort, and desire–followed up with insecurities, obscurity and doubt. I had just gotten out of a relationship and just wanted someone to hangout with–he was in medical school and had no time for a girlfriend. I recently got out of seeing someone on a more serious way–but as soon as I got out of it–I called this guy. We’ve always kept in touch. He’s moving out of state at the end of his graduation so I’m pretty much waiting for that so I won’t have to be tempted with him anymore. When we’re together in the for wall of my bedroom we chat about random things, have great physical connection and enjoy eachother’s sense of humor. However, when I really think about it, I ask myself, “What do I REALLY know about this person?”. Truth be told. Nothing. For all I know he’s lied about everything and I wouldn’t even know. I’ve asked him about more personal things but he’s very vague–never gives me a clear answer. Yet, he knows where I work, where I live and has been inside my body. It definitely is very one-sided. He can contact me and I can find the time to see him–I ask and it’s always, “I have to work late”, “I can’t that day, maybe another”, etc. etc. I understand that we will never become anything, but what’s so wrong with just being cool or acknowledging that your bed buddy is a person who feels too? I’m not asking for marriage or even for him to be my bf–just be a friend, at the very least.
I’m trying to get over the one recent break up and this guy’s way of being is actually making it easy for me to use him to soothe me through it and see clearer what we are (which is pretty much bed buddies). When he leaves, that chapter will closed.
I get the being hard on yourself–going back to him and all… I get it. It’s good w/him and you’ll know what you’ll get–this makes it easier to go back to him. However, is it healthy, no, but we’re human and comfort is nice. At some point we’re going to have to let them go though. It’ll happen. I wish us all luck.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Michelle.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Michelle.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Michelle.
July 20, 2016 at 1:50 pm #110159

Christian Mills
Participant

Hey Milena,

Yep, going through it now!!! But hey we’re only human and what you did seems to me to be natural. I’ve tried to be strong but I just keep going backwards and just prelonging the pain; and then like you, my anxiety rises and I feel worthless. I wish I had answers but hey, you’re not alone : )

July 20, 2016 at 1:56 pm #110160

Christian Mills
Participant

Well, done!!! Finding that inner strength to be true to yourself and get out of a one sided relationship takes balls!! I’m out of one now but finding it so hard to concentrate and move on. Any tips please???
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