I have many negative emotions from my early years. Things happened and didn’t happen in ways that have both challenged and haunted me my entire life. I thought I could escape and start fresh and thought I actually had until I came back “home” years later and everything went sideways.

I guess I should start from the beginning;
My parents divorced when I was 4, since I was little they both were never really happy people. My father worked pretty much all the time, he was always about what people thought of him, a man’s reputation is everything. He wasn’t really emotionally giving hugs were few and far between and he was always very critical about everything we did. I never felt I could live up to his expectations, I still don’t think I ever met them before he died. It wasn’t for the lack of trying to it just never seemed to get there. My mother is a control freak, she has to have the lead on everything, she even now tries to dictate who will do what,how, and when. If she sees she’s not getting her way she will demean and belittle you until she gets her way. She will manipulate, coddle, bribe, whatever she has to just to get what she wants and if she doesn’t get it she will become angry and bitter and hold it against you. Neither is very affectionate.
After their divorce they were bitter enemies, we children became the pawns in their battle. My father more worried about his reputation left things alone and would let his sister do the fighting. My aunt is cut throat she will dress you down and badger and make you question your own humanity at times. She regularly would tell us as kids that our mother was a cheat, and all the horrible things she did to our father, she would fight with my mother whenever they were within speaking distance. To this day it hasn’t ended and it was 30 years ago. My mother fought with her parents and her mother was a force of her own. She was “old school” quick with the dress down and quicker with the “you better make it right speach”. There was no peace from the assault on both sides.
My mother remarried almost right away and her husband is an ok guy. I can say that now as an adult but in my childhood because of the fighting and discord he might as well been the boogeyman himself. He is military with a military mindset and is content to let my mother run her show as long as he’s not involved. He obviously loves her and they must work well together because they are now going on almost 30 years together. I had very little to do with either of them from age 6 till 16. There were occasional visits but they stopped when I was 11.
My father spent a few years alone living with his mother. I loved my gran dearly she was a kind woman, formidable for one so small, she loved and disciplined equally. She was so strong yet soft at the same time. Cancer took her when I was 6. My grandfather was a drunk, he was cruel and mean, my only memories of him were of him hitting us with his cane, his chihuahua who bit people, and his dislike of me. My father met a woman who had 3 boys and they all moved in together and chaos ensued. There were always 2 sets of rules at my father’s “his and hers” so to speak. My father left her in charge to run the house and worked, payed the bills, and expected the livingroom to be his after he got home in the evenings. The rules were always different and the punishments never the same. If I were to do a wrong I knew a physical punishment as well as a lengthy grounding with extra chores would ensue, if the boys did a wrong she would yell at them and send them to their room for an hour or so a room with video games,toys,and all the manner of things to occupy their time. They never had chores, no expectations, any and every transgression was excused. Their futures are not any better the eldest is an alcoholic, divorced, has 3 kids he only has visitation of and lives in the house my father built. The second son is a convicted felon for dealing cocaine, divorced twice has 4 kids he only has visits with and also lives in the home my father built. Both have jobs at least. The youngest has spent the last 12 years in and out of jail he’s addicted to drugs and is presently in jail right now for violating something.
The middle son raped me multiple times when I was 12 he was 15 at the time. When I finally had the courage to speak up about it I was sent to a foster home. Nothing happened other than I was sent away.
My father stayed with her until he passed away in 2010, cancer took him as well.

I hold so many negative things inside of me. I am angry a lot of the time, sad too. I don’t let go of hurts easily nor do I honestly forgive completely.
When I left I made changes started looking for the positive things in life, the people the surroundings, anything I could find. I built a wall around my past and tried to bury the things but they would start leaking through. I came back hoping that time had changed things that my fresh start was enough to make things better and would be able to heal some of the old wounds and make life for my children and my family better. Once I got here though it was like a black hole sucking me in and I found myself in old patterns I don’t like about myself and feeling intense negative things that have done more damage than good. I also see the negative impact it has had on my immediate family and worry I have done more harm than good.
I have tried counceling before and it hasn’t been very helpful at quelling these emotions I have dealt with some of my personal issues but so many seem to want to linger. I need a change I don’t like what I have become again.