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letting this one go?

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  • #325003
    Laika
    Participant

    Hello!

    Been a while since I last posted and would love some insight or advice.

    Basically reconnected with an old classmate about 4 months ago.. And we have been talking a bit on and off from time to time with me usually started the conversation except for him once.

    Basically I have started developing feelings for this guy but feel a bit uncertain about whether he may actually just be leading me on and such.

    He will basically say “Shall we meet”? But then never picks a day and time,  or if I ask to meet then he’ll say he might be able to that day, but then never lets me know.

    The reason I feel a bit confused is he’ll basically say things like he always looked at me at school etc but felt he didn’t have a chance since I had a boyfriend at that time.

    He’s been opening up to me a bit about his past trauma and basically been flirting the last couple of days we have been texting..

    I do feel that normally if a guy is genuinely interested he’ll message you more often (first) even though he do respond right away or with small period of time between responds. And that he would have been willing to meet up..

    So basically I am just wondering if I should just let this guy go ?

     

    • This topic was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by Laika.
    #325017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laika:

    Welcome back. I am glad to read that you are posting about a different guy from the one before, and this one is local. This is the good part. He seems interested in you but shy, lacking confidence. What is “his past trauma” that he shared with you?

    anita

    #325021
    Laika
    Participant

    He basically told me that his dad used to beat him if he didn’t perform as good as his dad wanted him to and would often tell him he is grounded which makes him have a bit of anxiety when it comes to presentations and such.

    He basically said that only his family know about it including his psychologist and 2 of his best friends.

    #325035
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laika:

    “He will basically say ‘Shall we meet’? But then never picks a day and time, or if I ask to meet then he’ll say he might be able to that day,  but then never lets me know”- this is unacceptable behavior on his part, and the fact that his father beat him when he was a child does not change the fact that his behavior is unacceptable.

    It is unacceptable to ask you to meet him, or to agree to meet you, and not follow through with picking a day and a time.

    “The reason I feel a bit confused is he’ll basically say things like he always looked at me at school etc., but felt he didn’t have a chance since I had a boyfriend at that time”- so you wonder why he is not meeting you now that you are available and he does have a chance, and a good chance.

    His reasons: maybe he lacks confidence and is scared that if he meets you, you will reject him. Maybe he has a girlfriend already and is conflicted about meeting another woman. I am guessing, because I don’t know his reasons. What I would do if I was you, would be to tell him that you are frustrated with his behavior (specify it, the first quote in this post). Then tell him that if he doesn’t suggest to meet you in a week, you will figure that he is not interested in meeting you.

    Don’t argue. State the above in a calm, casual way and see if he arranges a day and a time to meet you in the coming week. If he doesn’t arrange to meet you, you won’t have to “let this guy go” because he has let himself go. Let me know what happens, will you?

    anita

     

    #325039
    Laika
    Participant

    Yeah, will definitely do that.. had thought of telling him how I feel but basically that I Know he might not neccesarily feel the same way, but just wanted to get it off of my chest so I can move on.

    But yea, what you said above could definitely be an option, i’ll consider that.

    #325041
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laika:

    “had thought of telling him how I feel”- he does know that you feel like meeting him, doesn’t he? I don’t think you have to tell him a whole lot about how you feel, just that you want to meet him.

    I am looking forward to read from you again.

    anita

    #329245
    Laika
    Participant

    Hello Anita, just wanted to update you..

    We basically went on a date, with him messaging me, he basically picked me up at the train station and we went to a sushi restaurant to eat.  (We had jokingly made a bet before this where he said that since I lost then I could pay for the food) he ended up paying despite me jokingly asking “Wasn’t I supposed to  be the one paying?” after that he basically drove me back home and got to meet the dogs outside quickly before he left.. He messaged me quickly after the date.

    But my question now is that we’ve decided to basically meet up again this upcoming friday between christmas and new year and he suggested that we go pick up some food and then head home to my place so he could meet the dogs again and play a card game together, since we have been teasing each other about who would win in it etc. I feel it’ll be a bit fast to go to my place and a bit awkward since i live at home with my dad and sis, so explained that to him..  Now I’m just wondering if there is any other place that we’d be able to actually play that game together without it being at my place?

    #329299
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laika:

    I am delighted to read your Christmas Eve update! Reads like a wonderful sushi date. Regarding Friday, he suggested to pick up some food and head to your place where he knows (does he?) that your father and sister live there with you. You don’t feel comfortable with the idea. I understand. You are wondering if “there is any other place” to meet with him and play cards.

    Are there coffee shops, or breweries or taprooms that are open during the day where people who do buy coffee (in coffee shops) or beer (in family oriented breweries and taprooms) are allowed to bring their own food from home or from a restaurant and eat it  there? I know of breweries and taprooms where I live (US) where people who buy beer there are allowed and even encouraged to buy food from anywhere they want and eat it on the large tables provided in the brewery/ taproom. I also saw people playing cards there many times.

    anita

    #333737
    PurpleHorse
    Participant

    Coffee shops or a bar (or nice pub if you’re UK based)?

    A couple of months ago, I walked past a pub on a Saturday night and through the window saw a couple playing card games which was cute. Or……the park i.e. picnic style with cards?

    As long as he genuinely just wants to spend time with you and wasn’t suggesting coming round to yours for other reasons then it shouldn’t matter where you end up going instead as an alternative.

    #334117
    Laika
    Participant

    Little update:

    We basically ended up heading to my place, we picked up some food in the city and went home and basically spent the night talking and playing games with him talking with my dad from time to time, (they’re both into football and my dad was watching a match), he left after around 6 hours and we talked about meeting up again which we did 2 days ago with me initiating the date since he had talking about wanting to watch the new star wars movie, we met there since he had to drop off his daughter and he drove me home afterwards despite me saying he could drop me off at the train station in the city he live (it’s 15 mins from mine) but insisted since he wanted to make sure I arrived home safely, when we were saying bye he basically got out of the car and we would stand outside talking for 15 mins or so with him coming over to me hugging me twice for several minutes and then asking when we could meet again and to let him know if I started to feel awkward for hugging that long since he was enjoying it.

    I basically suggested february (Indoor gokart arena opens there) since his birthday is next weekend so figured he’d be busy but said he wanted to meet up before and jokingly asked if I had a lot of other guys so I would be busy meeting them, (didn’t respond to this) basically said that we should  figure something out and I would love to meet him again. He messaged me around 20 mins later after he got home hinting that he had hoped we  had kissed but that both of us had been too shy to initiate that and said he couldnt wait for us to meet again..

    Now my question is.. It’s saturday now, but haven’t really heard from him, I went to a concert last night so was busy and he is going out tonight, so makes sense. But I guess I am wondering if I should now let him initiate the next meetup/fourth date since I did it with the last one and feel a bit worried about coming off to strong if he turns out not to be interested.

    #334127
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laika:

    Your second date with him was in December, the sushi restaurant date, the third date was Dec 31/ Jan 1, at your home, the fourth date was January 16, the movies (there was a hug and a mention of a kiss) and you suggested a fifth date in February-

    he lives only 15 minutes away from you, why doesn’t he initiate a date with you, and why is he okay with seeing you once ever couple of weeks or so. Do you have any new information as to his reason to not initiate dates, and not suggesting to see you more often?

    anita

    #334147
    Laika
    Participant

    First one was Dec 5, second one dec 27 and last one 16 january, so we have been on 3.

    He did initiate the other ones with me initiating this last one, he got a daughter that is 2 years old that he has every other week, meaning we don’t meet during that time, would be too soon. My guess it that would be the reason we dont meet more often.

    #334151
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Laika:

    Maybe he is a dedicated father and that is a good reason for him not initiating dates while his daughter is with him, and a two year old does require constant supervision and attention. As to your question, I would call him to wish him Happy Birthday next weekend but I would not initiate the next date. See if he will, I hope he will.

    Good to have you back here, Laika. I hope this new year is a good year for you!

    anita

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