August 23, 2017 at 6:18 pm #165390
I'm a 20 year-old college student. I'm majoring in screenwriting. This summer a producer looked at one of my scripts and liked it a lot. Haven't heard from him in a while, but the encouragement alone makes me feel like I'm on the right path. I'm leaving to study abroad in London in 3 weeks with my best friend. I'm making more money than I ever have from a new job that's ridiculously easy and sometimes even fun/creative.
But I'm hella depressed. And I feel like an ass for being so damn depressed.
I almost feel like it's coming from fear but I'm not sure if that even makes sense.
A bit of backstory (here's where things get really complicated): I came out as gay to my family during my freshman year of college. I thought it was as simple as that but then I started learning about gender and realizing why I felt so unhappy with myself/body. It's because I'm not the gender I was assigned at birth. I guess I always knew this but I didn't have the language/confidence to address it until very recently.
I've started dressing the way I want to and using different pronouns but I'm not 100% sure about where I stand. I think I'm non-binary but every time I do something new to dress and act more like a man (for example, I just started wearing boxers instead of girl underwear) I feel so happy. It usually only lasts a few hours (sometimes a day or two) and then the excitement wears off. Still, I feel so much closer to understanding who I am than I ever have in my life. And yet I feel like shit.
And the thing is, my family is so accepting. I know that even if I decided to transition, they would be on board.
But I also haven't told my best friend — who lives states away — or anyone else about what I'm going through. I think this is one of the biggest contributors to my depression — the fear that I'll go back to school and people won't accept me. I go to a pretty catholic college (HELLA SMALL) with a great diversity program, but a very white very upper-class student body that I already have a hard time fitting into. Especially because I have social anxiety and am an introvert, and it's a very Greek campus.
How could my fear be causing this many problems for me?
I have zero motivation. I cry almost every other day. Sometimes I'll just lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling or sit at my computer and stare at a wall for no reason. I avoid my family (though it's hard because most of them work from home) and I'm not very kind to them which makes me hate myself even more.
I just feel like everything else that's positive in my life should be overriding my fear, but it's not.
I've started seeing a therapist. Only one session so far and it helped a lot but I started to spiral again after just a day or two. We're not speaking again until the 31st.
I just want to snap out of this. I feel like I'm wasting so much time.August 24, 2017 at 8:05 am #165440
You seem to have done so much already you should be proud. If your family are accepting of who you are, want to be then more power to you. You were born and had no choice over certain aspects but if you know in your heart who you should be then go for it.
You are on the pinnacle of achieving some amazing things and at 20 you have a lot of time and don't feel guilty about being depressed, these things are all relative and what is of importance to you. I am trying to fight that battle myself and finally admitted to my wife yesterday that i am depressed and it is something that is in me, has been for years ,regardless of my circumstances at the time i will always look for a negative in a situation rather than a positive.
If your best friend is really that then they will accept you and as for your small town worries. Shove em! You have the propensity and the talent to be able to do something someone like me could only dream of!
I am form the UK and i don't know much about London but i do know it is a very cosmopolitan city.
Good luck and take care.
EAugust 24, 2017 at 11:47 am #165492
I hope your therapy helps and that you can see your therapist more often.
One comment: because wearing boxers and such makes you so happy only for “a few hours (sometimes a day or two) and then the excitement wears off”- better not do a biological transition until you gain enough insight through therapy and over time, insight that is needed to evaluate such a big investment and physical ordeal as transitioning.
You wrote: “I just want to snap out of this”- I can relate a whole lot to wanting to “snap out of” this and that. If only I could. Instead, I have to take the long road, the patience required with a long journey. I imagine you have to do so too, take the long road, being patient with the process.
I would like to read more from you, the origin of your anxiety and depression, when did it start… your experiences of early childhood.