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Life story and what i am going through

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  • June 19, 2020 at 5:48 am #358948
    Stian
    Participant

    Soo i wanted to share how my path has been these almost 29 years now.

    My childhood i remember myself as a philosophical, playful, dreamy, ecstatic child.

    I grew up with my older brother, and my young mother and my drug addict father who really took his toll on the family. I was constantly let down as a child when my father was taken back in the house again and again and both me and my brother was promised this time we are gonna be a happy family. This went on for almost 17 years of my child and teenage life, constantly traumatized again and again by my mother and my father for their on-off relationship, he was dominating the house and i was constantly terrified and walking on egg shells, and was a hollow shell.. lost and totally dissociated from my own feelings in my body.. the years went by and i used different coping mechanisms from video games, to excessive amounts of exercise throughout my teens and early twenties. My father died when i was 19, luckily because there was not enough room for him anymore in the family and our life(gods plan i guess)

    In the end of my twenties i started my own self-discovery through meditation, psychedelics, ayahuasca and constantly searching for answers through philosophy, books, spirituality and so on. My relationships with girls were always constantly ending throughout my young life. Till i met a wonderful girl when i was 24 years old, we have had some challenging and bonding experiences the last years. And the summer of 2019 when i attended a Ayahuasca ceremony my life dramatically changed the last year. After the ceremony i experienced a lot of images from my childhood blown up before my eyes, and bliss afterwards for a month or so.. until the fall of 2019 i did a ridiculous choice to cheat on my beautiful girlfriend.. I told her back then and she forgave me and we decided to continue the relationship making us even stronger. And my dark night of the soul period fall 2019 over new year and into 2020 i was crying a lot every morning, journaling in the morning, writing down painful memories from childhood and a friend of mine recommended i should see this really great jungian therapist. So January 2020 we really opened up this box of all these painful feelings i felt as a kid, totally hidden from me in my body i started feeling stuff.. Massive amounts of grief, sadness for all the letdowns i got as a child. The anger i had unburied towards my needy mother constantly overprotecting me (because i could end up drug addict like my father) since i was his biologically child. Anger towards my dominating brother always pushing me down making him the “bigger” man, and a lot of anger and grief towards my father who passed away almost 10 years ago.

    Soo the last couple of months have been brutally tough, i broke up with my girlfriend in april and experienced a lot of bliss and extra energy.. and as the weeks went by i started missing her and felt i could not live my life without her, so we came back together again, i know she has been extremely patient with me. Now i have decided in my heart that i will spend my life with my girlfriend and work through my childhood traumas piece by piece.. we have bought a beautiful home together, we are newly engaged and everything seems to manifest for me and her. One of the issues i tackle with in daily life is a constant feeling of paranoia towards old friends of mine from childhood, i feel like they are talking shit behind my back, and i feel energetically that something is wrong, even though i am the one pulling away from people as i need more time alone, and for the first time in my alone i enjoy to spend time by myself (was constantly afraid of being alone when i was younger)

    Now this weekend i have been invited out with the guys and on sunday we are gonna play paintball. What my mind keeps telling me up front that i am tired of constantly being teased and bullied by people, since i have set my boundaries with family last months, i feel like i am extra sensitive around other guys, i can know what their true intent is behind the things they are saying and feel when the energy is off when i am with people.. it is kinda sad actually that i feel that i cannot be my true self wherever i am, except with my girl, therapist, some highly conscious friends i have been with last year.. so what was my day to day reality before, is now not comfortable anymore.. i sometimes feel lonely when i am around people, at work, with old friends and so on..

    The thing is have have enough with myself these days, and i don´t want to be pushed down by other peoples emotional garbage, i am afraid that i am gonna explode sometimes.. i am tired of being pushed down, not being seen for who i am.. i want to laugh, connect, communicate, play and enjoy life… and maybe i can´t connect as well with people i used to be with in my earlier life, cause yeah i have changed…. dramatically.. and i think suffering, emotional pain, struggle changes you as a person..

    I don´t want to be in my ego state of mind, and be dragged along on bullying childish humour, i want to be my real authentic self.. and give a fuck what other people think of me.. I know i am strong enough to be myself, but it is quite scary sometimes too because i am afraid of rejection, and maybe if people reject this person i am today, they are not worth my time. life is short spend it with the people who respect you. I guess we make our own existence with the perception and thoughts we have and what we nourish on a daily basis. Feel like i kinda solved my issued on my own here. But just wanted to share this with someone.

    Have a great summer 🙂

    June 19, 2020 at 9:32 am #358961
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stian:

    You shared in your two threads that you are almost 29, that you had a tough childhood with a drug addicted father who did cruel things to your mother who was in pain for many years, and that you and your older brother were in pain as well. For almost 17 years, your father was in and out of the home, and every time he returned, or let back in the home, you and your brother were “promised this time we are gonna be a happy family”. And every time you were let down.

    When your father was home, you were “constantly terrified and walking on egg shells.. lost and totally disassociated from my own feelings in my body”. You coped by playing a lot of video games, and exercising excessively. When you were 19, almost ten years ago, your father died. When you were 24 you met your current girlfriend, an almost five years relationship at this point.

    In the summer of last year you attended an Ayahuasca Ceremony (according to the Ayahuasca foundation website, it is a healing tradition developed by indigenous tribes in the Amazon Rainforests, using a medicinal brew with the main ingredient being the ayahuasca vine. It is a group activity where people seeking healing from trauma interact with each other and with the healers, being encouraged to actively participate in their healing by singing, calling for the help of spirits, talking, sharing individual experiences in the group setting).

    This ceremony  in the summer of 2019″dramatically changed” your life, and you experienced “a lot of images from my childhood blown up before my eyes”, and you experienced “bliss afterwards for a month or so”. In the Fall of 2019 you cheated on your girlfriend. You told her about it and she forgave you. But since then and into 2020, you experienced your “dark night of the soul period… crying a lot every morning, journaling.. writing down painful memories from childhood”. You started seeing a psychotherapist in January 2020 and “we really opened up this box of all these painful feelings I felt as a kid.. massive amounts of grief, sadness.. anger I had unburied towards my needy mother… Anger towards my dominating brother.. and a lot of anger and grief towards my father who passed away almost 10 years ago”.

    In April you broke up with your girlfriend, “experienced a lot of bliss and extra energy”, then missed her and then resumed the relationship. The two of you bought a home together, are newly engaged, but daily, you have “a constant feeling of paranoia towards old friends of mine from childhood, I feel  like they are talking sh** behind my back, and I feel energetically that something is wrong”. You stay away from people, needing more time alone, unlike the way you used to be when you were younger (having been “afraid of being alone”).

    You were invited this weekend to spend time “with the guys” and to play paintball with them on Sunday. Your mind is telling you that they will tease you and bully you. You don’t know “what their true intent is behind the things they are saying”, and you feel that “the energy is off when I am with people”, that you can’t be your true self except with your girlfriend and therapist.

    “I don’t want to be pushed down by other people’s emotional garbage, I am afraid that I am gonna explode sometimes.. I am tired of being pushed down, not being seen for who I am.. I want to laugh, connect, communicate, play and enjoy life.. and maybe I can’t connect as well with people I used to be with in my earlier life, cause yeah I have changed… dramatically.. Feel like I kinda solved my issues on my own here. But just wanted to share this with someone”.

    You wanted to share your story with someone, I read it and re-wrote it here so to hear it even better (I don’t process information well enough by reading. Re-writing or retyping info makes it possible for me to process it better). If anything I wrote here is not accurate, feel free to correct me. Otherwise, I will not share my thoughts about what you shared here because you wrote that you just wanted to share, suggesting, I think, that you don’t want others’ input.

    anita

     

     

    June 19, 2020 at 2:49 pm #358998
    Stian
    Participant

    Im a very much up for input.. And thank you for editing.

    June 19, 2020 at 4:33 pm #359008
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stian:

    I may have more input for you when I am back to the computer (I am not focused enough now). For now, I can tell you that as I read your original post earlier, I thought that you experienced too much during the Ayahuasca Ceremony, and you got overwhelmed. In responsible, professional psychotherapy, the therapist starts the patient with what is called emotional regulation skills, which is a series of skills aimed at enduring intense emotions.

    When a person feels too much in a short period of time with no follow up guidance and help to deal with the awakened emotions, a person gets overwhelmed, over stressed, over extended.

    Feel free to respond to what I just wrote, if you want. I will be back to your thread in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    June 20, 2020 at 6:48 am #359031
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stian:

    I can imagine the emotional devastation you suffered every time your father was back home and you believed the promise of “a happy family” and then, that promise was broken. When this happens again and again, the child starts expecting bad things to happen, the child becomes suspicious, anxious, waiting for the next bad thing to happen,  and when anxious for too long, the child collapses into depression.

    In the summer of 2019 you attended an Ayahuasca Ceremony for the purpose of healing from your childhood trauma. In that short-time experience of the ceremony (how short was it?), you experienced “a lot of images from my childhood  blown up before my eyes”. You then experienced “bliss afterwards for a month or so”.

    My input: the ceremony did not heal you. There is no short cut to emotional healing from a traumatic childhood. It can’t be done in a ceremony. It cannot be done in a day, or in a week, or in a month. It takes many months. You felt bliss, but that bliss was a temporary relief of the anxiety and depression from before plus an added on temporary feeling of bliss.

    And indeed, soon after the Ceremony, you experienced your “dark night of the soul period.. crying a lot”, and you started seeing a psychotherapist. In therapy you felt “massive amounts of grief, sadness.. anger”-

    – these massive amounts of grief, sadness and anger were not resolved during the Ceremony, they were not left behind back in summer 2019, and they couldn’t have. There is no short cut to emotional healing.

    In April this year you broke up with your girlfriend, and as a result, you “experienced a lot of bliss and extra energy”- a similar emotional experience to what you felt during and right after the Ceremony. Different experiences and happenings can cause us to feel  bliss, even breaking up with a girlfriend can cause bliss and extra energy.. but only for a while.

    Most recently, you and your girlfriend are back together, engaged, and you are scheduled to get together with guy friends for the weekend, but you feel “a constant feeling of paranoia towards old friends.. like they are talking sh** behind my back, and I feel energetically that something is wrong”-

    – what happened, as I see it, is that during the Ceremony and after, you mistook how good you felt to be the same as emotional healing, you relied on how you felt to mean more than what it meant. Regarding your friends, you also rely too much on your feelings. You “feel energetically that something is wrong”, and indeed something is wrong, but it doesn’t mean that they are the wrong friends for you, or that they talk badly behind your back. What is really wrongs is likely the same old, same old something-wrong that you experienced for 17 years at home, the comings and goings of your father, the hopes of a happy family crushed again and again.

    You wrote that because of the Ceremony, you changed: “I have changed.. dramatically”- how you felt or feel at times changed dramatically, it doesn’t mean that you changed dramatically, and it certainly doesnt mean that you healed from your traumatic childhood.

    I hope that your psychotherapist is good at what he does. Did he mention to you any of the things I mentioned to you in this post?

    anita

    June 20, 2020 at 11:59 am #359082
    Stian
    Participant

    I must say thank you from the bottom of my heart! My therapist is really skilled and following my through everything, i am very tired these days, and go up and down and lot.. One Day i am happy and feel good, and the next i am tired and feel awful.. Like in this instance i am in a Diamond wedding at my Girls grandparents house.. I with draw from People when i am tired… I am literally walking through this painful process with the hope of a brighter future.. I never thought that stuff was this bad, but i go to the therapist it becomes more and more obbious for me.. My childhood was much more traumatic than i thought.. Dad beating and threatening mom on daily basis when he neede money for drugs, my father showing hus penis to me several times when i was very little which disrupted the image i have of myself from young age.. My therapist says its quite unbeliavable i mange my life so good – work, exercising, spending time with friends… I cry also cry a lot! Have cried more the last 8 months than i have for 28 years of my life, it was weak” to cry when i was a kid.. But as they say the only way out is through.. I dream of making a happy family with my girl one Day.. But i am often anxious over the future and i know why.. I must say i really like this forum and are grateful for feedback.. I guess on some level we are all traumatized some more than others.

    June 20, 2020 at 5:14 pm #359109
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stian:

    You are very welcome. I will be able to read your recent post when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now. Feel free to post here before I return and at any time, sharing your thoughts and feelings.

    anita

    June 21, 2020 at 7:50 am #359142
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stian:

    When you told your therapist about the experiences you had as a child, such as “Dad beating and threatening mom on a daily basis when he needs money for drugs”- what did your therapist say back to you, and in what ways does your therapist help you???

    anita

     

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