Live with the pain

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    Hello there,

    My ex and I were friends for years. During those years we never met in person (yes never met in person for the person who may ask me 20 million questions about this). During those years I knew he was taking drugs but he was funny so we stayed friends. I did like him but did not want to be with him because I busy in other relationships and felt as if he was just looking to be with anyone. Three and a half years later, I asked him out and we stayed together for more than a year. However, during that time he was still on drugs, he cheated on me (as he says, bc of his insecurities and bc ive been in more intimate relationships than him), has a major anger issue (that he gets from his grandmother) and other little things. I did get revenge on him for cheating on me but months and months later I was still in pain. I broke up with him while I was pregnant because I did not want to be with him any longer. Even after that, he harassed me while I was pregnant and then got with some girl and got her to send me a picture of them kissing. I had to change my phone number, DELETE my Facebook pages, and block him everywhere (and almost put in for a restraining order against him). Even more, I was going through tough times because I was homeless and in college and dealing with trauma from my childhood. Months went by and I was living in different places, but the last person I lived with was so Christian, I believe she let her values rule her decisions and she found a way to contact my relatives (I was physically and mentally abused my most of them and my cousins would not let me live with them when I was pregnant). That lady were threatening to call DCF if I did not get in the car with my relatives so I panicked (at 8 months pregnant) and called my ex’s mother. I needed a place to stay and Florida was not doing anything for me so I felt as if I had no other option but to go live with my ex and his family (yes, I have lived in a maternity house). So I stayed with my teacher for a couple of days and left for New York City. I stayed with them for 3 months. When I arrived there, I was in the process of moving on from my ex. We were in love once, planned on getting married, watched and mostly did everything we could together, could share a conversation for hours. We could do so many activities and it would seem amazing and lovely. However, this time around I did not feel the same, we could do all that but I felt as if I did not want that with him. He did/does not want to move on. However, he only tells me how he feels after I leave temporarily or permanently (I live in a different state now). I gave him another chance (among the millions of chances) and he did alright but I just felt as if he does not know how to protect me and I could not forgive him for doing the things he has done. In addition, if I tell him that I do not want to be with him or show it,  he ignores me, really does not care about my emotions or protecting me, and he ridicules me. Like the other day he said that if I got with other guys and tried to come back to him he would forgive me, but when I told him that I just do not want to be with him at the moment, he says, go fuck your randoms guys. I do not want to be with someone who does not care about my emotions or what they do with them. I do not want to be with someone who thinks its ok to walk on someone and that they should be forgiven just because you love them. I do not event forgive my relatives. I believe that the reason I gave my ex all those chances in the past was because I was in love with him. I do wish I could spend every moment with him but I am so hurt by what he has done. I do not want to be with someone who will hurt me. I understand that most humans make mistakes but I do not want to mistake pain for love. Now our baby is 3 months old and I have enough in me to be friends with him but everyday I change my mind on if I should just find a way to forgive him (even though I cannot even forgive years of pain living with my relatives) or move on permanently. Its hard because he was my favorite person but I do not tolerate personal attacks from others. What should I do (I know I should do what is best for me and I would know…but I want to see other perspectives) (and this is not the first time that I have broken up with him).



    I can see you are in pain and see you wish that you could stop feeling this way.  You have had to deal with a lot and it seems you made decisions that you believed were right at the time.  Do not be too hard on yourself.  Maya Angelou used to say, “If I had known better, I would have done better.”  This is just part of being human.

    I think its an important step that you can feel that something doesn’t feel like it used to be with your ex, even if you cannot quite put your finger on it.  Listen to your gut.  It’s wiser than you think. Many times if we are still and quiet and just give ourselves time to think and reflect we can be more in tune with what feels supportive, loving, kind and warm for us and what does not.

    I can only speak from my own experience. I was with someone where what he called love and how he showed it after awhile really  didn’t feel like love to me.   While I could wish him the best, the type of forgiveness, I needed to give to stay with him required his genuine willingness to change. He said the magic words, but his actions showed he did not want to change–which was fine, but it meant I could not stay. When I see other women being treated well, I just know I can do better.

    I encourage you to keep looking within and reflecting.  Also, if it’s possible, close your eyes and envision what you DO want for you and your 3 month old child.

    It seems you have been blessed with different elders in your life who have been there for you at critical times.  Perhaps there is someone who has  been particularly helpful in the past that can guide you in answering the question what you really want.

    Wishing you peace and the best,



    Dear Jessica:

    I like what you wrote here: “I do not want to be with someone who will hurt me… I do not want to mistake pain for love…I do not tolerate personal attacks from others”, and so, I think you should move on permanently, that is, leave your ex in the past.

    Forgiving him is practically useless unless he sincerely regrets his behavior, makes amends and changes his behavior.

    I hope you find a way to live independently with your baby, in a safe home, not under personal attacks, not disrespected, but safe. Make your home a loving home, for you and your baby. You both need love, kindness, safety. Can you make that happen?




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