Hi All,

I’m having an issue I can’t seem to solve myself and the users on this site are always thoughtful, respectful and kind. I have a bit of a long backstory, so here’s the short version – I’m in a wonderful relationship with someone who loves and respects me, but I want to be single. Should I ride this feeling out or wait for it to subside? 24 years old, female, first relationship on its 6th year.

Long Version- I grew up in an abusive household. I don’t remember the extent of it, and I don’t want to. My father was always a little too friendly, and if I ignored his advances he vented his anger on the family. My mother was a sweet, anxious, childish person who loved us to bits, but struggled with her own demons. Anxiety and depression were constant, and after a life-long struggle that culminated in schizophrenia she committed suicide.

I had always felt responsible for my family and their happiness, and I often fantasized about living alone in a tiny apartment. I didn’t date throughout high school because my father was jealous, and by the time I met David I was 18, jaded, and exhausted. But I wanted to try this “love” thing everyone is so obsessed with, and I wanted to experience consensual sex. We had been dating for about a month when he got kicked out of his house and crashed on my couch “for a week”. Which turned into a month. Etc etc. At this point my father did not live with us and my mother and I were struggling to pay bills, and frankly David’s income was sorely needed. Fast forward, my mother’s schizophrenia was getting worse. She put the house on the market and sold it without telling us, because “the demons were in the carpet”. David and I decided to get an apartment together, since all we really had in the world was each other. We grew through our late teens and early 20s together, and while it’s been a struggle we’ve caught some lucky breaks and made something of nothing. I graduated college and got my dream job, zero debt with a decent starting salary and medical benefits!! He’s got a year and a half left of his bachelors, and since we don’t want kids we’ll basically be set. Life has been good to us recently, and it’s about to get a whole lot better.

If I don’t f*ck it up.

I know I love him. I look at his face and my whole heart fills up. But I never did get the whole “living alone” thing I had always wanted, I’m beginning to feel trapped and panicky. I do struggle with anxiety though. All that to say, I’ve had a weird feeling in my gut since the beginning. Something is a little off, something is missing? But this is my first relationship and I have nothing to compare it to. Maybe I’m just broken. Maybe I’m not capable of feeling that all-encompassing love. Everyone around me always says I’m lucky to have such a great guy, and to have found him right off the bat! What are the odds. But this gnawing in my gut has been growing, I’m finding myself fantasizing about him finding his perfect person, falling in love with her, ending it with me, and continuing on to live the wonderful life he deserves. It would hurt, I am in love with him (and financially I would support him until he graduated. Which would be straining). But I would be free from all responsibility after he graduates, and I would only have to worry about myself. Logically, I know I would get lonely and I’d miss him. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling. Am I a coward for staying in an unfulfilling relationship, or am I an adult for realizing everyone has their ups and downs? Has anyone been in a similar situation, did you break up, did you stay? Do you have regrets?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate your time!