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Long Distance Friendship with Possibility of Something More?

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  • January 31, 2014 at 8:20 pm #50098
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I hooked up with a guy on OKCupid a couple of months ago, and we hit it off right away. His family was local, so for a few weeks he came up and visited me on the weekends and we had a great time. He told me off the bat that he was going to be away from January to August in Chile volunteering for a children’s organization. He’s there now, and I heard from him on New Years, but since then we’ve had basically no communication besides liking things on Facebook. Before he left he said he would keep in touch and see me when he was back in town (August). I’m hesitant to reach out to him because I don’t want to seem needy or like I’m expecting something in the future (though I would love to explore a relationship with him), and I don’t want to push myself into his life while he’s in another part of the world. But I still do want to stay in touch and hear about what he’s doing. Should I reach out to him? Or should I wait for him to reach out to me? Would really appreciate some advice.

    January 31, 2014 at 9:51 pm #50100
    Mark
    Participant

    Hey Annie. I noticed you reposted the #49728 question here. You are looking for additional input for your situation?

    February 1, 2014 at 4:09 am #50112
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    He is focused on his life in Chile right now, or at least he should be. My question to you would be: by contacting him and asking how he is doing, are you genuinely interested in how he is doing and what his life is like now or do you want to get his attention? If the former, you’ll not come across as needy and even if he didn’t respond, that would be OK, because you’d understand that he’s probably busy. If the latter, it might come across as needy and if he didn’t respond, you might take it as an insult.

    We all crave attention and especially want the attention of those we like. We just can’t force them to focus on us and if we try, it’ll put annoying pressure on the relationship that will eventually break things.

    Go ahead and ask how his new life is going. He might appreciate you taking interest and giving attention to him! Just be aware of your intentions. If you need for him to respond so that you can feel safer or good about your relationship, then it might be better to not contact him right now. Feel safe and good first, so that you don’t need him to provide those feelings for you.

    February 1, 2014 at 6:33 am #50115
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You are absolutely right – at the moment I want to reach out to him because I crave his attention. I think I need to wait until my self-esteem is higher and focus on myself for a while. I need to feel safe first, then reach out. I’m starting to make him responsible for my personal feelings, which is not fair and selfish. Thank you for your input – it’s very helpful!

    February 1, 2014 at 6:35 am #50116
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Mark, I wanted to get some more advice about how to reach out to this guy, but again I’ve realized that it’s not the best time to do that. I have issues with codependency in relationships and am starting to see someone about it to help myself. Posting this was I think a way of reaching out for more help. Thank you for your advice when I posted previously – I’m feeling better.

    February 1, 2014 at 8:02 am #50121
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Annie,

    Please don’t beat yourself up about having those feelings and needing the attention (by calling yourself selfish). The reason I’m saying that is this: imagine that your inner child is now scared that this new person that you like is going to abandon you. The adult you understands that he hasn’t gone away forever and that your life isn’t dependent of him. Still, the child’s fears are taking over. Soothe those fears and be kind to yourself. Don’t tell yourself that you’re selfish for having those needs, as that might make it even worse.

    I found Susan Anderson’s books “Taming the Outer Child” and “Journey from Abandonment to Healing” rather good and helpful on my own journey. They’re not the only ones, but the concept of inner child / outer child helped me to get a new perspective on ego and past trauma (which we all have to some degree). I’ve now started reading David Richo’s book “How to be an Adult in Relationships” and I think I had another one on overcoming fear and learning how to trust. I haven’t read those yet, so can’t say if they’re helpful or not, but they seem interesting.

    You have met this wonderful person and you now have this amazing opportunity to learn and grow during the next few months before he comes back! Who knows what the future will bring! Perhaps this is your year of healing and growth and love… 🙂

    February 2, 2014 at 7:33 am #50143
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you so much for your advice – I will definitely take a look at those books! It’s very appreciated 🙂

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