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Long Distance Relationship

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  • #48164
    Matty
    Participant

    Me and my girlfriend of 1 year live over 100 miles apart, nearly a 2 hour drive. With work and arrangements with friends etc.. this has always been a struggle, I think more for me than her – She says “distance makes the heart grow fonder”, I end up just feeling like she’s invisible, almost beyond missing her. When we argue we can’t kiss and make up, when we’re happy we can’t laugh together. I display emotions but they’re aimed at a brick wall. It’s quite stressful!
    We’ve actually broken up 3 times throughout our year together because of the amount of stress I feel towards it. We do have an amazing relationship when we come together every so often, but as soon as we’re apart we spend our time telling eachother how much we miss eachother and count down the days. Anxiety kicks in, things get rocky.. then we finally meet up and everythings ok after a quick chat. It’s a rollercoaster of emotion and right now we’re at the low part again.. She’s travelling around Asia until February and all we can keep telling eachother is how much we miss eachother. I feel she’s quite homesick, I’m trying to reassure her to have fun whilst she’s travelling.. But at the same time, we still have to wait a month to see eachother. There’s only so many times you can say I miss you until they just become words you’re repeating to this invisible being that you can’t see or touch or anything.
    I guess I feel slightly lost and I think we’re both become anxious about another breakup situation.
    Do you have any thoughts or has anyone been a similar situation?
    Thankyou

    #48165
    Lisa
    Participant

    Hi Matty, I’m a Marine currently engaged to a Marine and we have been stationed a part for the past six months. We are roughly 4 hours drive apart. I feel ur pain! Long distance relationships are difficult. I believe that you must possess maturity, commitment, trust and love. The little things do drive u nuts! I can really relate to being sick of phone conversations. Arguing is draining. Little things make you so angry because in the end,all you want really is to be with that person! I’ll tell you what has helped us. The whole mental side! We strive to be more patient and loving. We try not to react in anger- to breathe and wait until we can discuss things. That’s not to imply that we don’t argue, they are just less frequent so that lessens the break up factor. Daily we come up with sweet things to say and do for each other. Like you, our main thing is texting and face timing. It got to a point that I would feel anxiety if we didn’t communicate in a certain period of time, because like you said, it’s not like we can just see each other. I feel like I’m rambling, but u control ur emotions and ur part of the relationship. Try to turn around any negative feelings or routines. U will be surprised what a difference it can make. I know that you guys will see each other next month, but is there an end in sight as to when you can permanently be together? I know that this helps most people immensely, working towards the day that they can be together. 🙂 Hang in there!

    #48166
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Lisa, nice to know we’re not alone with these things 🙂 Thanks for your reply.
    It sounds like we have a pretty similar relationship going on here. You’re not rambling, it was good to read your thoughts. We have talked about moving in together, one of our breakups was when I felt a bit overwhelmed as she pushed moving in, ideas of marriage and kids on me all at once. After talking about it she says everything’s cool and she’s not some crazy woman trying to trap me.. but, I still kinda feel like moving in together is quite a big step. I’m not sure how to get over that but hopefully I’ll work it out soon. I understand its controlling your own emotions and turning negatives in a positive – you sound like you have it dialled! I need to work in this a little more.
    Thanks again, and good job being in the marines!
    I went through selection for the Royal Marines here in England but injured my knee right at the end of the course. You have a good career! All the best

    #48192
    Jan
    Participant

    Hi …I have been seeing my bf everyday single day in a 3years time..and now I choose to be far far away from him.. It’s really hurt so much when u r missing someone so much..sometimes, not everyone will be so strong and so confidence to hold the relationship..some of them are just feel free and mayb the right time to tear down their mask..

    #48198
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Jan,
    I think I understand what you’re saying.. Could you elaborate?

    #48204
    Justine Kyra
    Participant

    Hi Matty! I know exactly what you’re going through. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years now (6 in September), and just last year, he decided to go to Florida for school. I live and Virginia and to go to him is either a 12-hour drive or a 2-hour flight. It was really hard not having him around during the first few weeks and I miss him everyday. We both have to wait 6 months before we’re together again, and I’ve been counting the days since then. I hate not being able to see him with my own eyes rather than on Skype. I hate not being able to hear his voice with my own ears rather than texting and calling each other. And of course, there are days when I question what he’s been up to (aka if he’s been with any other girl), and we argue over things that we cannot easily resolve because of the distance between us. In the end, however, it’s all about the love you feel towards your significant other. Our relationship has gotten a lot stronger because of how we decided to communicate (which is everyday). I was able to learn how to trust him more and more, and he is the same with me. Not only that, I was able to look at myself as my own person. Being in a long distance relationship gave me the ability to reflect on myself, outside the relationship. And it’s also fun doing the care packages with him! Don’t listen to other people when they say that long distance relationships never work, those people are just crabapples. They do work, as long as you and your significant other find a way to make it work. Don’t force it, just let things happen on its own. If you really love her, you will always find a way to keep the relationship you have with her. Trust her and stay communicated. The anxiety will never go away, just hang on to the love you have for her. Stay strong, and just be happy that you have her in your life. I hope this helps and good luck!

    #48222
    Jan
    Participant

    love need to be work it together..it is only the perfect two..
    If each of them do not want to holding on…
    Even how much u love..how much u care..how much u trust on ..it doesn’t means..
    I hope that I could be lucky to have one who can wait for me n yet I m the only one for him..
    When the ppl are in hard time…they got u…
    But when they have a good life…they life started to include others..
    Why don’t they thinks bout how much is the person gave to you..when you are in a hopeless life

    #48229
    Matty
    Participant

    Thankyou for all your replies. They have all been really insightful. I understand what you mean now Jan 🙂
    I wonder now what your thoughts are as the story unfolds:

    Please keep in mind that my girlfriend has a history of depression and has been taking anti depressants for a few years.
    Last night she got drunk while out on her travels and ended up in hospital after opening up her arm. She called me in tears saying she’s going to have to come home early because she needs plastic surgery. Now she’s really upset and thinks she’s gonna look ugly and all that.. I reassured her but she told me she wants to kill herself. In the past she’s said she’s had suicidal thoughts but I don’t think she’s ever made a move.
    I have NO idea what to do!?! Me and the girl are a great couple and I do love her a lot, I care for her so much.. yet, we virtually broke up because of all these little problems. It’s like we can’t end it because of the attachment and not wanting to make each other upset.
    I’d love to say that I can happily stick by her and we’d have a future together but it’s just one thing after the other to the point where it’s bringing me down.

    #48233
    Nancy
    Participant

    Hi Matty.

    You love her and want what is best for her. Right now she needs some individual help. Right now, you might not be able to cultivate the partnership with her that healthy relationships are made of. But, all relationships go through seasons of one partner helping another with individual needs. Only you will know the right course for you.

    I came onto this page because I live 150 miles away from a man I love dearly (it seems pretty mutual), and he has plans to seek adventure thousands of miles away. So, it feels like a long distance relationship with the promise of much more distance. I am thrilled-to-the-bone excited for his adventure because of all it means to him, and for all that his adventure brings into my life, in spite of the time and space that will continue to challenge me personally.

    Your relationship’s other challenge, though, reminds me of the relationship I had with my husband of nearly 25 years. He also had/has a history of depression that he has battled his whole life. He had suicidal thoughts regularly as well, and many different medications and treatments over the years to try to manage his moods. He had a horrible experience in a hospital when he was young that got in the way of seeking counseling which might have otherwise been very helpful to him. It sounds like your relationship might be strong enough and intimate enough that you might be able to help her into some therapy. Couples therapy might be a gateway if she resists individual therapy – my husband was at least willing to try couples therapy and that opened some opportunities for some limited individual therapy (for both of us).

    Since this is a crisis time for both of you, maybe it is a good time to do what you can to support individual growth while setting aside the “couple” issues. On the other hand, if/when it becomes too self-destructive for you to support her individual growth, then you might need to step away and trust that she will find her own path in the best way for her. In my own situation, my husband came to realize that our relationship was unhealthy and he chose to end it.

    You will find the right path for your life, and your girlfriend will find hers. Keep breathing.

    #48368
    Matty
    Participant

    I loved reading that 🙂
    Thanks Nancy.

    Your man’s trip sounds like a challenge but you seem to be happy with it which is always good. Keep up the contact and maybe try and surprise each other every now and then with nice pictures and things.

    Support individual growth. Well said.
    Enjoy your weekend.

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