Hi lovely community !
I’m in need of some advice from objective people, i.e. who don’t know me or my boyfriend. To be honest, I am completely lost, and it’s hurting me, and your advice would definitely help me.

I’ve been with C for about 2.5 years. We started dating in the same city for 1.5 years and then he moved to another city for graduate school. A year later, here we are. I’m now moving across the border to the US (but not very far ~1.5 hrs plane ride) to start my PhD.
Well, long distance relationships are tough.
We had initially agreed that he would move to my new city in three years (when he graduates). That’s because my field of research is really centred around the US/Europe/Japan. Not much in Canada so it would be tough for me to do what I like. While for him, he’ll be a lawyer and he would be able to move. We felt so strongly about this decision. He promised he would move. We were 1.5 years into the relationship so we weren’t in the honeymoon phase anymore. It was real. It felt so real. It was so comforting. Long distance would be hard, but we were only doing it for a definite period of time.

This past semester, things have been particularly difficult. In February, I found out he had lied to me about going to a party (he said he was off to the movies). Apparently, the plan had always been to go to the movies but they ended up changing the plan the day off. The thing is, he lied on the phone about where he was. I found out by checking up on him (not proud at all), logged into his Facebook. This sort of ruined the trust I had for him, but it was a small mistake so we moved on.
I developed strong anxiety during this period of time, mainly due to school and also somewhat due to our relationship. I became very needy, I’ll admit it it was over the top. I also had panic attacks. But we went on, and we were overally fine.
During exams, in April, things started to fall apart. My anxiety was through the roof, and I tried to find comfort in talking about when he would move. I was also very insecure so I would often tell him that in the end he probably won’t move. I’m not sure why…
Well, during exams, he told me he was scared about moving and was not sure anymore. I confronted him and said I needed commitment to do long distance. So he agreed to say he would move.

After exams, he came back home and we were reunited. However, I was still anxious as I could feel he was pulling away from me. I was seeing a CB therapist for about two months at that point, which really helped me control my anxiety. But I got one small panic attack from a small fight we had on Skype (while he was staying for a few nights back home). From this, he came to me and said we should break up. My heart broke. I begged him and tried to show him that my anxiety was not his fault. That it was something I had to deal with (and I meant it). We did not end up breaking up. But looking through his search history (yep.. again… not proud..) I saw he had previously googled “how to break up with someone with depression”, “unhappy in relationship but cant leave”. It broke my heart as he had googled things like this for about a month. But we eventually went on, although things did not feel alright. I felt I was walking on eggshells as I was so scared that he would again break up with me. I wanted to be the best I could be and to make up for being so anxious and needy for a few months. I did not feel like I was enough, I felt I had to change and that I had to convince him of my worth.

A few weeks later, I finally found out he had been using Tinder for the last two months. He had talked to a few girls (the most attractive ones of his matches) but kept it at things like “Hi” and “how was your day”. I’m not sure if he would have talked more, as the reason he stopped talking is because girls didn’t respond anymore. Who knows what would have happened. When i found out, I didn’t tell him about it. I went to him with all the courage I had to not break down, and asked him if he was hiding anything from me. He said he wasn’t but quickly figured out what I was talking about. He ended up telling me he was on Tinder. I asked if he talked to any of them he said No. I told him I knew he did and he admitted the truth. His reason was that it was for his self-esteem and had nothing to do with our relationship. He was truly sorry about it, and was patient in me being able to let it go. But my self-esteem took an enormous hit. I went shopping for sexier clothes. I watched make-up tutorials. I wasn’t sure about who he was anymore. There was no way the person I loved so much would do that. If we went back to a year ago, he would have never ever done that.

Our relationship never felt the same again. I went away for the summer about a month later. A few weeks later, he told me he wasn’t sure about moving to the US to be with me anymore. A couple days later I broke down by text and told him how unfair it was to me etc. A day later, i arrived in japan for an internship, and right away he said we should break up. Because he’s not sure about moving and that I am sure and so it’s not fair to me. He wasn’t mean during our talk, but it hurt so badly. I told him it was okay for him not to be sure, it was because of the state of our relationship. And that things would get better. Well, we didn’t break up. He said that it was all he need to hear, that it was okay if he was not sure, that 2 years was not an ultimatum for us.

Now, things feel fake. I am tired of having to convince him of not breaking up with me. I feel like I have to show him my worth. I feel so insecure. Yet, I love him so much and have never felt such a strong connection with someone before (granted, not those last few months). We can stay up for hours and just talk until 5 am, instead of watching a show or whatever we planned doing. I have never loved anyone so much before. And I am his first girlfriend.
If I think rationally about how to make things better, it would be to be okay with him being unsure about moving, and to keep seeing each other for visits and skyping. It would be to let go of the neediness and build a life I am happy in. Then, then maybe, he would love me the same way again. Then maybe, he would be sure about moving again.
But should I have to convince someone of my worth? I feel so disconnected from him, I feel if I talk too much about how I feel he will pull away and break up again. I just want to go back to the past, to feel his strong love for me. I feel like this is all my fault, because things would be fine if I only had been less anxious about the relationship and less needy and more trusting. I feel worthless and alone. I am so unhappy that I cry about it almost every day.

Anxiety….can truly break relationships. But, is this one worth saving?