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Long distant trouble!

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  • #370537
    Ally
    Participant

    Hi, this is my first ever post in a forum, im struggling!

    I met a guy online over 13 years ago, we live over 400 miles away from each other so I thought a relationship was a no go but we chatted and we became good friends.

    Ove the years we’d lose touch, then get back in touch (several times) and in March of 2019 I found him on a dating app and sent him a message. Delighted to hear from me, we exchanged numbers (again) and messaged each other all day everyday for 6 weeks, then I went to visit him, we clicked instantly, I knew as soon as I saw him he was my one, and vice versa, wen had an amazing week, fell head over heels in love with each other, it was perfect.

    We continued messaging and talking every night on the phone, he visited me for a week met my family, my 3 kids and mum said finally you’ve found a lovely man, the future, our future looked perfect, he was looking for jobs where I live, we save every week for our future, we save a little then do a little renovation in what is going to be our home, he’s sold the majority of the contents of his house ready for when he gets a job near me and he’s moving in, the future looked rosy….until last week when he accidentally sent me a nude of another woman! I was floored, asked what I was looking at, he said, im sorry, that was an accident, you should never have seen that, I downloaded a photo saving app and all my photos came up from the cloud that I’ve used since I sacred using iPhone in 2011, I thought I’d deleted everything, I would never intentionally hurt you  im so sorry, I replied, I cant talk to you right now, hung up the phone, I was numb!

    The following day at work i thought of nothing else, called him when I finished and he apologised again, said please forgive me its from my past, you know how I feel about you, I love you so much, we chatted for a while I told him I could understand him having pictures of women before me, but I cant get my head round why he still had the pic when he’s so into deleting stuff he does want or need, he doesn’t even keep our conversations on text or WhatsApp, I told him I needed time, we still message all day wveryday and talk every night, but im hurt!

    The pic was a snap chat and was screen shot on his new phone( I know this because he got himself an iPhone 11 in September and the time/signal layout is different from the iPhone 8 which he had previously) yes ive investigated lol this is driving me insane.

    I have thought about forgiving him and moving on, but I get this wave of anger and I just want to see him face to face to ask the questions ive got, ive also thought about ending it but I don’t want to do that on the phone or a message, I believe that what we have is worth more than a shitty dear John.

    I love this man so much, im 48 he’s 52, we ain’t no spring chickens! I guess i just need to hear from others, because at the moment I feel alone and slightly round the bend.

    Thanks xx

    #370539
    Ally
    Participant

    Hes not involved with anyone but me, the pic isn’t even the issue anymore its that he’s lied about when he received it, when he’s online im thinking what he’s up to, its driving me crazy, I don’t want to confront him over the phone, I need to see him in person.

    Xx

    #370543
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ally:

    You shared that you (48) met a guy (52) online thirteen years ago (you were 35 and he was 39), and “became good friends”. Over the years you lost touch and got back in touch. In March 2019, a year and nine months ago, you got back in touch and you visited him. The two of you “clicked instantly.. he was my one, and vice versa.. fell head over heels in love.. it was perfect”.

    He then visited you and met your three  kids and your mother. Your future “looked perfect”. He looked for jobs where you live, the two of you were saving money to renovate your future home, he sold the majority of the contents of his house in preparation of moving in with you, “the future looked rosy”.

    Last week, he accidently sent you a nude photo of another woman. When he realized that you received that photo, he thoroughly apologized and he explained how it came to be. His explanation was at least in part, a lie (“the pic isn’t even the issue anymore, its that he’s lied about when he received it”).

    “I can’t get my head round why he still had the pic when he’s so into deleting stuff.. he doesn’t even keep  our conversations on text or WhatsApp”. You are considering ending your relationship with him.

    “I love this man so much… I just need to hear from others, because at the moment I feel alone and slightly round the bend.. it’s driving me crazy”.

    My input:

    1) Calm down before you make any decisions and before you execute any decision; don’t act while being “slightly round the bend”, and feeling crazy.

    2) “it was perfect.. our future looked perfect… the future looked rosy”- that perfection and roses was not sustainable, it never is. Reality always pokes holes in the image of perfection and roses- it is just a matter of time.

    As you are looking at the situation, you are seeing only a part of the story: that nude photo and the lie associated with it. Look at the bigger story: there is a multi billion industry of pornography that is thriving and has been thriving all  over the world, for many years. This industry targets men’s natural appetite for visual nudity, and for sexual stimulation.

    Your boyfriend is not the only man with a penchant for female nudity, almost every heterosexual man (if not every single one), single or married, including happily married-  has this strong attraction to the visual of female nudity.

    Regarding his lie: it doesn’t sound to me like a malicious lie, but a defensive lie that he came up with under emotional duress. Although I am a big proponent of truthful communication in relationships, I know that no one is 100% truthful at all times. Sometimes we are inaccurate, sometimes we forget, sometimes we get distressed and blurt something out. We have to forgive our own imperfections as well as others’.

    If you forgive him and the relationship continues,  there will be more imperfections- some imperfections will be your doing. When that happens, I hope he forgives you too. Together, you can allow yourselves to be imperfectly human, doing your best in a very imperfect world.

    anita

     

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