Kinny,

In dealing with gossipers and old friends: grasp the fact that they, too, are imperfect beings who, too, are trying the best they can to make sense of their lives. Find this commonality they share with you and forgive their behavior. They do not know any better, same as you, same as me. Wish only for their well beings and that they may live a life full of happiness. A difficult thing to do but it will bring you much peace, I promise.

In dealing with your ex and the suffering he caused you: the above can also be applied though much harder to do since the connection you had with him was much stronger. If anything, try your best to see things in a positive light. For example: better for this to have happened now instead of if you were to have been married and perhaps with children. Also, be glad that you did not go further into a relationship with such an individual. And, this experience may have given you more insight on the type of person you’d like to share your life with. In addition, do not hold any further bitterness towards him for none of it will benefit you. Holding negativity will only halt your growth. Don’t let it, you’re stronger than that.

In moving on: recognize that there are other grand things to aspire to. Relationships/Partnership can be a beautiful thing, however, they’re not the only beautiful things in this world. If you paused to sense everything around you, you will come to see that you’re constantly surrounded by beauty so don’t let one event ruin the rest of your life.

I’ll leave you with a great quote that’s traveling around on the internet: most people die at 25 and aren’t buried until they’re 75. I’m sure you can translate it. Don’t let this be you! Live, don’t just survive! 🙂

Al

What is socially awkward? What is trying too hard? What is normal? Everything that you’ve stated is subjective. It’s similar to asking who is right and who is wrong. Are rebel forces wrong for wanting to usurp a dictatorial government or is a dictatorial government right for wanting to eliminate a chaotic element of their country? The answer is both and neither. It is only what you believe. It’s the same in social environments. A conversation takes the form of whatever you wish it to be. Normal and abnormal are illusionary. What matters only is if the conversation holds for you any meaning (which can translate to a lot of things). However, I understand what you mean. If you find it difficult to make conversation, think of the well being of the other party when doing so and you’ll find that words will come out easily and also with compassion on your end. However, if you feel you must speak ‘pretend’ then its probably best to not initiate or milk a conversation out. It’s perfectly fine not to feel that you must make a conversation in order to break silence nor for appearance’s sake. You will only harm yourself in doing so and continue the cycle of feeling false.

Be at ease in feeling feeling detached because the truth is actually the opposite. You are taking steps to better understand yourself which will result in you feeling closer to other human beings. Through this assertion you become connected.

As far as your situation with your mother, to feel that you can only begin to live when she passes is the wrong way of thinking. If she could, your mother would not want to burden you in such a way and also would only wish for you to start living. Continue to care for her well being but do not let it dominate your mind nor your life. Your happiness is just as important. If she is at an age where it is time for her to leave, do not overly wallow. Feel joy that she had to experience life, both the good and bad, that you are there to care for her in her remaining days and that she was one of the fortunate ones to reach such a wonderful age. It may be more difficult done than said but you must always try to see everything in a positive light. If it helps, know that I am in a similar situation with both parents and still plan on pursuing my dreams. Anything can be done if you learn to balance it all and it is THE key in the success of our every day dealings. Making a constant practice of it you will greatly benefit your life. Work both on your happiness while caring for your mother. You can do it. It can be done. Have faith in yourself and if you need strength come seek it on here. We’ll be here to help you! 😉

K
You don’t say if you have a meditation practice or group of people to practice with. I assume that you don’t have that. In a small town or a big city you need a refuge and that is what meditation gives you, for a few minutes and eventually all the time. But it can be hard work. It comes down to your commitment and willingness to face fear, depression and anger, to own them. Psychotherapy can be really helpful, along with meditation, as well. Even a local gov’t agency can offer free counseling services, depends on where you are. But since you are in a Buddhist forum, I assume that you have a commitment to practice. Caring for your mother might be a big teaching. She won’t be there forever, maybe let her know you’re there for her 100%.

Kinny,

I’m sorry for the suffering and painfulness you’ve been going through, and can understand why there is a membrane between you and the world. Pain has a way of doing just that… where once we were free and trusting, after getting burned we are cautious and suspicious. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its seems to me that you’re blaming others for making you feel crappy. The boyfriend cheated, the friends turned away, and you got pissed off. It can sting to hear, but those people didn’t create your suffering, you did. Buddha taught that its our attachments that produce our suffering… such as your mental pain and spinning, the membrane, the loss of inspiration. Those are all inside you, and on your own shoulders. This may seem like a terrible thing to say, but it is actually very freeing. I reject (and hope you reject alongside me) this whole notion of “Kinny the victim”. People do dumb things… its our choice whether we hold it against them or not. You still hold it against them, and you suffer.

Said differently, your heart wants to love, but you stop it… because people can’t be trusted. This is only because you wish for them to give back like you would! But how can they? They only have what they have, and when their friend cheats on their other friend, can they really be blamed for shying away? From having their own membrane? Look at how much courage and mental effort it took to confront your ex… those friends of yours would have had to find the same need and same courage… and they didn’t. That’s life, my dear sister, not everyone is strong enough or wise enough to make loving choices all of the time.

For you and me, here and now, its up to us to love them anyway… to make space in our heart and mind to accept them as is. We don’t do it for them, though they do receive benefits. We do it for us, so that we can have the freedom being compassionate affords. Consider that if you accept that love brings joy in the giving, then instead of looking for people that will love you, you can begin to find your unconditional love for them. This happens when you look at the world without intention for it to change. To simply see it as is, what is there, glad to have working sense organs, a good mind and a beating heart.

These long term things… relationship, career, next year, ten years… they are good dreams, good to keep a finger pointing in some direction. But your joy won’t come from those. Wisps of happiness do, but joy arises as your heart opens and you love unidirectionally outward. The rest is like icing, like dessert. Its great to have such wonderful blessings like being in a relationship with a loving man that gives you attention and his passion, but its your own light that stabalizes and gives the rhythm to the tune around you. You are the one that turned it down because of the deception, which I do want to add that it is totally normal to do so, but its in the turning down that the joy recedes… it only seems like it was from the deception from your partner.

As for the metta meditation… don’t be lazy! 🙂 YouTube, search for “guided metta meditation” and so forth. There are lots of good ones out there, and its OK to trust your heart and choose. You know the difference between warm and cold, you’ve felt it. Similarly, you know the difference between your open heart and closed heart… you’ve felt it. Pick one, see if it helps your heart warm, and go from there. After you do some metta, and be prepared to laugh at yourself for how much chaos and confusion was created over something that dissolves so easily. Said differently, the membrane is only there until we poke it, then we realize it was a paper tiger the whole time. Namaste, sister, may your frozen soil of winter thaw for the gentle blooms of spring.

With warmth,
Matt

Kinny,

When I was jesting about being lazy, I only meant that YouTube has a lot of great guided meditations, and is very searchable. Perhaps “Sharon Salzburg metta meditation” would resonate with you. In regards to trusting, I think you’re a lot closer to it than you think.

Consider that Buddha taught about impermanence, or how all things are constantly changing. For me, its easiest to approach it with the concept of death. We know that death is an inherent part of living… all beings we know of so far exist for awhile, then fall apart as time passes. So, for instance, if I were to say that tomorrow I will post a link for you, then tonight I die, would you consider me untrustworthy? That you were wrong to believe I would post a link? Perhaps you would say “it didn’t happen as I thought it would because of forces out of our control”. It wouldn’t be regarded as me slighting you in any way, somehow failing you for dying before I could follow through on my intention and promise.

Buddha also taught about karma, or the law of cause and effect. For instance, here and now you want your heart to open, you want to be free from whatever is holding you back, but you can’t find it. That force which is holding you back is not random or without cause. It has a cause, and an effect. Does that make sense? So, in order for you to be free from that tangle (the effect) the cause has to change. Now, there’s little point in blaming you or thinking less of you because you have that tangle… you’re my sister, seeking joy and balance, a path of safety and light. So why bother inviting pain into my heart just because of your karma? Even if you were to respond to my post saying “Matt, you’re a douchebag” any pain I feel from your words would be from my wanting you to see me favorably.

Instead, what we can do is trust that whatever you said was because of the conditions. Perhaps you read my words wrong. Perhaps my words didn’t knit together in the way intended them. Perhaps I was acting like a douchebag. Whatever the causes, I can just breathe in your words and give them back to the flow of time. They don’t really mean anything except that some tangle arose between us that either or both of us experienced.

With your ex, the same forces apply to his side. He didn’t cheat for no reason, he cheated because of a whole symphony of reasons. Those reasons pushed and pulled at him and lead him to make choices that were really bad for the intimacy he had with you. Who knows what those reasons are… low self esteem, lack of commitment, low impulse control, closed heart, strong sexual urges… any number of forces all mash together. The was his karma, and why bother with blaming him for having it? He has his, you have yours, I have mine… its just how it is.

What happens as we dance along that view is that we stop associating trust with met expectations. For instance, we trust a snake to act like a snake. So it never even occurs to us to expecte a snake not to bite us. Its in their nature, so we remain careful. We can love the snake wholeheartedly, because we know that their trying to bite us is just in their nature. People fail to meet our expectations, that’s just in their nature. They make mistakes, we all do. However, the conditions around us are different. Said differently, you have learned a little more about your ex’s nature, and see he doesn’t make good sexual decisions and betrays confidence… but that is him, not “all men”. Many men, if not most, would never make the choice he did.

The friends are subeject to the same deconstruction. They didn’t avoid telling you for no reason, or randomly. They avoided telling you for a whole symphony of reasons. Much like you want to open to the joy but are struggling, they perhaps wished to tell you but were unable to overcome their side, their karma. This doesn’t mean that friends can’t be trusted… that’s just your anger making their issues about you. Instead, those friends just didn’t tell you for whatever reasons. You could ask them, if you’re curious, or just forgive them, accept that for whatever reason they didn’t. Perhaps it was too awkward. Perhaps they were sworn to secrecy. Perhaps they don’t like you very much. Perhaps they didn’t want to be the one to crush your world. Who knows, and each of them might have withheld for different reasons. We don’t really need to know the specifics, only that they are not random, or uncaring. They all have hearts, and those hearts struggle to bloom, just like yours and mine. So they vascilate between wisdom and ignorance, compassion and selfishness.

The key is half seen by you already, that words don’t make the future, they’re just words. However, that doesn’t make it random. There are causes, dear sister, and when you can accept that we are all subject to them, then it won’t interrupt your joyousness when someone fails or dies or cheats. Instead, a deep trust can be forged that we have the ability to meet people and their tangles with openness and joy. A snake bites you, it hurts, you heal. The snake is a snake. The grass is covered with dew, you slip and fall, it hurts, you heal. The grass was being grass. All the while, we cry at the pain and smile at the sun, but don’t get ensnared by the grass or the snake “betraying us”. Why bother? On their side, they are just being grass, a snake a person… doing their best to grow, slither, or find balance and joy.

With warmth,
Matt