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Longing…for?

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  • January 12, 2014 at 10:18 pm #49011
    Mark
    Participant

    Helen,
    I feel that nobody should ever apologize for being poetic. I envy that you can be.

    Matt’s responses are consistently are so full of articulate wisdom and love. I am glad that he is able to assist you in your inquiry.

    I believe it does come down to The Buddha, The Dharma, and the Sangha to support us on the path in the release from suffering. Here we have our own online Sangha. The Dharma can also come from here like what Matt shares.

    Thanks for sharing. I appreciate that you have shared so poetically even if you do not do so in person. I look forward to experiencing more of you.

    Metta,
    Mark

    January 13, 2014 at 4:33 am #49020
    Helen
    Participant

    Mark,

    Thank you 🙂
    Your words reminded me that I have a long way to go and I am very grateful for having found this community.
    It is so easy to waver. I am working on that stability and am just at the bottom of the mountain. Sometimes I feel that I am so full of joy that I am going to explode into space and disperse into infinite particles, like a joy shower all over the world, touching all beings. Then other times I feel so small that I disappear into nothingness, melt into nothing, non-existence. Very visual in my head, almost like I am lost inside the universe of my own mind.

    Metta was mentioned many times in this Sangha, as you so appropriatelly called it, and I find this practice is helping tremendously for my particular suffering. Baby steps.

    For understanding the true meaning of The Buddha, The Dharma, and The Sangha, I started reading buddhanet.net and accesstoinsight.org along with reading what is shared on this forum and articles from TinnyBuddha site. Although, I found that many times, just sitting and quetly reflecting on everyday life is a great teacher as well. Hopefully whoever reads this thread will find some wisdom in what was shared and be able to apply it to their own circumstances.

    We are all each other’s teachers as well as each other’s students at the same time.

    Thank you for sharing yourself and your wisdom 🙂

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 13, 2014 at 6:50 am #49025
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Thank you the kind regards. When I read your response, something came to heart. I really like the way you identify with “I am the light and warmth”, which carries with it the roots of “aloneness”, where we accept that we become the light of the world, and carry that light with us where and when we can. This is in contrast to some that seek to find that warmth within romance, material accumulation, career and so forth. When we surrender and accept that joy arises from a warm heart and silent mind, the garden around us blooms with incredible wonder.

    There is a catch. 🙂 Something my teacher called squeezing the sponge, where as we pour our heart, share our light, sometimes it helps expose other people’s causes of suffering. This can cause a lashing out, as their self struggles and whips around in their mind and heart and often out through their mouth. Said differently, sometimes it takes patient resolve as we share our light, our heartfelt inspiration and warmth. Imagine the flow of our heart like water from the river. As we remain resolute in our compassion, we say what seems helpful, gentle and true. What comes back can sometimes be icky, sticky, aggressive… much like rinsing a grimey sponge. This is normal, usual, and expected. For instance, if you grow your roots deep, then pour that deep love and appreciation toward your mother, there may be an outpouring of icky in her response. As you speak your heart, perhaps she might becomes angry and aggressive. Don’t be tempted to cling to her anger, to make it about you. Instead, switch to breath, “yes, dear mother, let it out, decompress, it is safe to be agitated here, I am here for you”. If your tender heart is able to stay alight, and your view keeps its pulse on her and her suffering, then there is a great chance of her suffering settling. “I love you, mom, including your anger and fear. What does that look like for you? What does that feel like?” and so forth.

    There is no obligation of pressure for you to help her in that way, just in observing your life path, that you may experience the back flow of aggression that sometimes comes from being heartfelt with the tangles you see in those around you. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong… trust the warmth and light inside you. Then your success and failure is only whether that light wavered, rather than “did mom give me a hug” or otherwise respond in a warm way. When we rinse a sponge, icky comes out. Lance a boil, puss comes out. We smell it, see it, feel it… shudder or crinkle our nose, then let it go.

    Namaste, sister, your heart is strong and bright. Thank you for giving it so freely here and there.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 13, 2014 at 8:38 am #49031
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Dear brother, thank you 🙂 I needed to hear this. I am so grateful that you shine your light and help others find a path into theirs.

    I noticed this “ickiness” but was not yet able to see it for what it was. This also explains why my reaction to it was deep sadness rather than anger. I see my mom’s suffering and I was taking it in. What is so sad is that she is not able to see how much I am already giving because she keeps pulling from me, and often things I am not able to give, or want to give.

    Because sucess/failure was so ingrained into my life, putting it into perspective of “sucess=keeping the light shining and warmth flowing” really rings true for my heart and is something I can cultivate.

    This also helps solve the hermit puzzle for me. Because I was seeing ickiness and pain, and taking it into my heart, I tend to pull away and keep my light from shining bright. When others came to me and asked, I always shared wisdom, and this shared joy as well. Perhaps it will continue this way for some time but it will no longer pain me. For when the student is ready the teacher will appear and when the teacher is able to give the student will appear.

    I want to tell you as well that I really enjoyed Sharon Salzberg’s loving-kindness meditation. I especially liked how she points out not to start with the most difficult person in your life but to slowly build up to it. So true.

    Namaste. With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 13, 2014 at 9:22 am #49036
    Matt
    Participant

    Helen,

    Wow, I deeply respect and honor the strength of your light. Isn’t it wondrous how as we apply that light to our tangles they unpack and become momentum? Things click, and we see the path of erosion, and from there its just a matter of pushing up our sleeves and getting to work. 🙂

    Something came to heart about the “not taking it in”. One of my favorite examples is Jesus on the cross. If you consider that as people threw stones at him, jabbed him with a spear and spit on his beliefs, his response was “they know not what they do”. Not only was he not making the assault about him, but as he saw their actions, he wished for their karma to diminish. For me, this stands as a testament to the vibrancy and potency of human compassion. That being said, sitting with your mom shouldn’t be a sacrifice, where you fall into anger and self criticism and doubt. Rather, consider the potential strength of heart, and rightfully creating boundaries to help that strength grow. My teacher called this “giving space for the tender shoots of compassion to grow into thick roots”. Said differently, if your light becomes extinguished, there is no shame in pulling back into the cave to see it rekindled.

    Finally, perhaps it will also help if you consider “namaste” as not only a greeting of respect, but also a vision of potential. Consider that our brothers and sisters are much like buddha’s with a backpack full of stones, of tangles, and just like us have the potential to unpack, settle, and blossom. For me, at least, this helps a great deal in remaining rooted, focused and inspired. Namaste, sister.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 13, 2014 at 1:12 pm #49054
    Helen
    Participant

    Matt,

    I really like that visual of “giving space for the tender shoots of compassion to grow into thick roots.” It is one thing to come to a realization of something and another entirely to apply that realization and make it stick. As we encounter daily life, there are so many “challenges” that could easily throw us off our paths. It is almost like a need for constant meditation and inner reminder that “I am light and warmth.” Right now, I am filled with excitement and energy about this “growth spurt” but I have to also remind myself that as I grow I will encounter storms that I will have to weather. I will have to keep watering those tender shoots, and protecting them from the severe weather, in order for them to eventually grow those thick roots 🙂 Patience. Consistency. And yes, withdrawal from the world in order to recharge. Even though it is so young now, I can clearly see it manifesting (see the top of the mountain) and know it will be hard work, right action and thought, in order to climb through the forests, rocks, and other rough terrain. Along the way though, there are also flowers, animals, and much beauty to be enjoyed.

    The story of Jesus – how beautiful. I read about it this week also. I love the way of that quiet resolve and outpouring of love in the midst of the worst thing that can happen to any human being. To see others with such compassion at such a time is awe-full, love-full, light-full, peace-full. I can see other people like that but had a more difficult time with my mom – because as you explained earlier, she was like “god” to me (grass is red she says, no it’s green my heart says and there was that battle). Extending the Metta to pass beyond this attachment and encompass her as just another being will make a tremendous difference. I am already seeing an effect of beginning of this practice. We had a very good conversation this morning – she did her little panicking about something I said and I smiled, remained light and warmth, and brought peace into the conversation. It did rattle a little bit at first, because of the established patterns, but I noticed it, breathed it, and continued with light. This beginning brings joy.

    Namaste, yes: “I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One.” You know what I am really contemplating about this – the last part “when you are in that place … and I am in that place … we are one.” It is so easy to be “one” when we are all in that place. The challenging part is to remain “one” when we find ourselves outside of that place. Like Jesus on the cross – he was in that place, they were outside of it, and he still saw them as one with him. Yes, it is a vision of potential, a vision of seeing the light in everyone no matter what kinds of stones they carry.

    My mom tells me that I have no fear. Perhaps she is right, perhaps it is because I see the light in everyone despite the stones they carry. It is a good feeling and I do not want to lose it 🙂

    Thank you again, thank you for sharing and helping me see into my heart.

    With light and warmth,
    Helen

    January 13, 2014 at 11:06 pm #49078
    Helen
    Participant

    I had a catharsis and my heart told me to share here with the Sangha. In contemplation I came to a realization that brought on a deep love, compassion and appreciation for my mother. I was able to see beyond deep into her heart and really feel what she must feel. Because I am light and warmth, have no fear, live in a female body, this leaves me vulnerable and my mother, who birthed me, nurtured me, loved me, sees this and has taken a role of protector, even to this day.

    When I was 11, I almost became the subject of abuse of a family “friend.” When he was sliding his fingers along my panty edge, and I felt indescribeable fear, I remembered what my mother told me “if anyone ever touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, come straight to me and tell me.” I did. I told him I had to go to the potty and ran to my mother’s room and arms. She made sure the abuse never happened to me. When I was 16, I almost got kidnapped by a sex predator in the park. My mother was there and shooed him away (very emphatically and with impressive strength of heart). When I was in my 20s I married a man who once told me “I am drawn to you like a moth to a flame” and “you are the only one who can see beyond the dark creature that I am.” My mother saw the dark creature sucking my light away and tried to do whatever she could to save me. She cried with me, hugged and comforted me during the divorce, helped me in daily demands of single motherhood, and her strength allowed me to mourn freely, grow from this experience, and keep joy and light in my heart no matter what. My mother has eyes that see impurity clearly. I was often unaware of the lurking danger, being a smiling little girl who likes to be friendly with everyone. I grew into a woman who can see better now but to my mom I am still that little girl.

    I still don’t agree with the vehicle of her love in the other aspect I discussed, but I am deeply humbled and grateful she is a constant presence in my life. Now, I can experience pure love with my amazing daughter, with my husband who has a pure heart (and who has my mother’s approval :)), and engage in a spiritual journey. Namaste mom and to all the moms out there 🙂 It takes true heart and courage to be a mother.

    January 13, 2014 at 11:18 pm #49079
    Helen
    Participant
    September 22, 2018 at 11:07 pm #226731
    John
    Participant

    Helen, I just wanted to write you to say that I really appreciate the amount of deep empathy you express in your posts. Some of your responses show so much caring and understanding, I wish I knew more people like you in my life. Some of your posts have helped me even though they weren’t directed at me.

    I was going to write to you directly, but I’m not sure there’s a way to do that. Also….these posts appear pretty old so I’m not sure if you’ll even read this, but I wanted to put this out there into the universe.

    With Warmth and Kindness,
    John

     

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