Hello all again,

I find comfort when I am searching my mind for answers and remember the beautiful community of people on this blog. I am grateful for each of your time, this space, and your souls for existing. Thank you for being here, and I wish you a very aligned 2021, everyday.

My question today is regarding a best friendship of mine around 10 years. Let’s call her E. We met around 12 and became very close friends. I moved away but we reconnected after I moved back a few years later. We reconnected and I still felt very close. We got along well and spent a lot of time together. I moved in with her family when I was 15 due to my own troubles I felt at home. I always felt we were close. At 16, I move back home for a year. I am stressed to be away from friends and what felt like a healthier home environment at the time (her parents stable etc). She asks her mom for me to move back in, I move back in. I live with her and her family until graduation. Her mom and I get into argument when I was 18, and it is the last I hear from her family (aside from her) till this day. She moves cities for school, I move to LA pursue some creative pursuits, we keep in contact over the years. For her 21 birthday I even fly to visit – she sleeps in and leaves me alone at the airport when I arrive. Last year I move back to the same state as her, different city. I am excited after stressful times / work in LA and have honestly nothing but love and excitement to see her. I never thought anything bad of her our entire friendship(aside from does she not care when she left me at airport), I only saw the light. I invite her to visit me in a very fun basically pent house apartment I am staying for my birthday. She arrives, and mind you we haven’t seen each other in years – she has gone through break up of over 5 years- she arrives and I don’t see my happy friend I remember. I am smiling to see her jumping for joy, and she steps out of her car making faces of dissatisfaction – not straight faced, just looked unhappy and said she was on adderall and 2 hours of sleep. I felt disappointed that she could not show up sober and well rested for a day that I wanted to celebrate, my birthday. The 3 days we spend, she is sleeping until 2pm/3pm daily, I suggest we go to gym she completely makes it a solo trip and goes straight to sauna, and leaves right when I walk in claiming she had been in there long – to me it felt like a convenient excuse for someone not wanting to really spend time with me but not knowing why themselves or how to say it. I want to wake up and do healthy things as I see we have both been through a lot and I know these things heal. But with the waking up late, and the flat attitude I was getting I just thought – what would make her happy? I even said “am I doing something wrong to you?” because I didn’t understand why she seemed so unhappy the entire time. To which she turned on me saying she can’t be herself and is waking on eggshells with me, essentially what I was saying with “am I doing something wrong to you?”. I finally suggest drinking and going out as I know she liked it and thought it would make her happy. But I was not in the place to be doing that. I was very stressed and in sensitive place. While out she was very promiscuous and for some reason it made me angry as I didn’t think it was from a healthy place. Anyway, for my birthday I order a swimsuit and want to take a photo. While half the world interprets this as completely immoral and conceited, to me each day is gone when the day ends and we can never get it back. It is amazing to me that we can take photos, and I want to look back at the special moments in my life, even the ordinary moments! I pursue modeling for work and have been successful with Playboy and smaller Instagram brands. It’s a passion of mine and I want to spread a good message, knowing I may need to look and play the “superficial” part to reach certain audiences. The whole trip she is taking about how superficial social media is. She doesn’t see my perspective. I ask for a photo in this swimsuit for my birthday and it turns into huge problem where she says I’m using her for a photo. I can type on my passed family members name that I am not the kind of person to use anybody. I will never do that in my life and I will never be tempted, that is not why I came to this earth. When she says this I feel anger and hurt rise. I said some negative things from anger about her and her last 5 year relationship. She is my friend of over 7 years at that point and I thought she knew me, and to make such an accusation showed me she did not know me. And I thought, if I have been my honest self and she still has not been able to see me like I thought – then the friendship was already over. And I ended the friendship for over a year.

Fast forward to my personal situation, last January I return to LA from over a month of learning and healing in Indonesia. However, my housing plans fall out and I abruptly move with my half sister in LA. I know I cannot stay there as she has another roommate so I try to find a place. I go months without finding a place, there is tension in the house, so I finally settle on an apartment complex. If you read my last post – yes it is the apartment complex I write about that made me uncomfortable. Ultimately it was not a fit for what I truly needed at that time in my life. It caused lots of stress that I stopped sleeping in that apartment and stayed with a guy friend from high school who lived down the street. Problems arose here as he had a crush on me and took me being there as me liking him despite verbally saying no. I tried to secure another apartment over the month but he had to move, and I was left with no apartment secured. With him I remember feeling he would be upset if I was at his place searching for my own apartment. I would feel from him “is she using my place instead of being here to be with me 24/7?” But I explained I desperately just needed help with a peaceful place to search. I tried daily there buying all the food, extra activities, daily drinks, including him in my daily workouts and still I felt wrong when I took any time to search. I get into argument with him.. From there I move to my half brothers house. We have not been close and I didn’t want to but he picked my stuff up after hearing about the argument. At his place he says I can stay and work, or he can charge me for the room etc but I know that I would rather be away where I can be more free to work and do my own thing without having to report to him or be involved with his family dynamics. I try to secure a place from here. I’m not working as I wanted to secure a place first. Months go by, no apartment is secured as my credit goes down, COVID hits, etc. I feel a build up of stress being at my brothers daily, and start to feel some negatives from him. I start feeling I need to smoke with him daily to keep him happy (medicinal marijuana in ca) and off my back. I start to think- I should just move. I can’t take it. I go to NY to stay with a man I didn’t know well, but more so online. Let’s call him B. While he was physically attractive, he ended up rubbing me the wrong way by mentioning he sees other women and will always, and taking me to parties where I didn’t feel safe. Yes I am 24 and an adult but he was older and I felt he just through me out, even made a reference “this group parties crazy but this will kind of be me throwing you into the fire”. On the last night he is allowing [**descriptive language following] orgies in the living room. I feel inebriated, confused, and unsafe as every room in his house is filled with this and he is laying with a woman when I find him. I start to cry and say I want them to leave and they turn me into a laughing stock. I freak out and FaceTime my mom who further freaks out and calls the police when she sees my environment on FaceTime. The police show up and literally escort me to the airport and say I need to go my moms. The thing is, I was on no sleep embarrassed at the airport so instead of taking my mothers ticket to her house that left in 6 hours, I took a flight B booked that was leaving right as I arrived to airport-  for some reason I called my longtime friend and she said I could come stay with her so that’s where my flight went. I thought even so I could just stop and visit then go to my moms who I felt an internal feeling to go to. Not having seen her since my birthday last year, I arrive in her state, where my mother also lives a few hours away. She says she doesn’t want me to go my moms and I can stay and work. I plan to stay and work but there is so many confusing things happening that make me question whether I should leave and go my moms. She apologized and said she was wrong for making that accusation.
Since arriving I can’t help but have negative aspects of her personality highlighted in my face even if I don’t want to see them.
For example, I don’t feel she IS sorry for making that accusation. I additionally feel she didn’t want to take the photo due to her own insecurities and need to have attention on her, feeling insecure if it is not. After arriving I have all of these flashback in our friendship where she has acted with negative attitudes in ways I would never to a friend or even stranger. I have grown a lot and made healing, self improvement my journey and it hasn’t seemed the same for her. I feel often her mind is residing generally in vibrations of comparison, competition instead of togetherness which I feel when we hangout. I honestly started to feel so tense around her feeling energetically she was thinking negative things about me and quick to judge, even with physical traits. I see now she even makes fun of small physical details of her current partner – to her, he’s fat and ugly. And I think – if she is capable and allows these kind of judgments to her partner – how does she judge her friends?
Also apparently she has experienced with bullying – but don’t we all to some degree. The difference here is I start to feel she likes the idea of making others feel small, mimicking ways she has felt often in her life. I feel she likes to think of herself as the best in the room and often feel she is thinking about looks too much and comparing in this way constantly. Even when I arrived I got a much needed haircut after a knot from the depression, months of it, etc. We go out with her brother and the cheers she makes – “cheers to me being beautiful” so that is what we all cheered to- her being beautiful? Her family will always tend to her insecurities in this way but I don’t feel it’s healthy. To me I just got a haircut and she didn’t want any attention off of her. Since being friends she has been an insecure person always. I’m not deeply insecure as I accept my flaws and see everyone has them, but we all have some insecurity. To me, it seems insecurity is the main idea in her life, or workings behind her life and behavior. Half of the time when I pull away a little she will make effort to be nicer and include me, but once I’m close again I feel these jabs. Even if it is not intentional, it feels draining to be around someone so close who seems like they would not even be able to handle me having my best, being my best, because of her own insecurities. When I am home most times, I feel she is silently lingering around me and when I see her I feel she is sending me bad energy and hateful and/or judgmental thoughts – I can’t escape that feeling in my body and soul. As much as I want to stay, these things come up and I think – why not move with my mom where I can have space to grow and breathe without someone hating that I’m doing it without them or in their space or whatever is going through my friends head that I don’t understand. When I bring up any behavior to her, she turns it on me, tells her family I’m the bad guy and she’s the punching bag- I have never seen her take accountability in our entire friendship for any problem even outside of our friendship. And again, I am not the kind of person who sees the use in using humans as my punching bag. I’d like to think I’m vibrationally evolved above that and genuinely there is no logical desire to hurt others – only to heal myself

(seems most people don’t work that way)

So already there again her accusations against me are far lower than anything I know that I am.

Me being here also feels I need to be the one on best behavior which would not be the case if the roles were reversed and she was staying with me- in that case she would maybe evaluate her behavior and have to comprise expect I feel it’s actually me the punching bag to her unhealed behavior – even though I do love her dearly!

I want to stay, but can’t shake the feelings when she sees me that she wants to see me down, below her, unhealthy. Why do I feel this way? When I do my own things (yoga, journaling, even drinking water) I feel I am met with this silent aggressive underlining energy. We have different lifestyles. I like to prioritize health and well being, being in nature, sleeping well early mornings. To me, she doesn’t care about these things and instead tends to do more late nights, drinking, other kind of drugs. To keep peace on certain days what’s worked is me abandoning what I typically do for my well being (sleep early, wake up early, work out, stay hydrated, journal) and to just DRINK and hangout.
This reminds me of high school when I would combine my schedule with hers, until she stated to taker her bf more serious and was like peace! I’m doing this. To me this is the nature sometimes of our relationship. Like I am just here but I know she would be ready to leave without considering me while each day I wake up and think about putting her first to avoid negative feelings, looks, energy.
I feel very drained thinking about. Some people tell me just begin work and it will be better as I’m out the house. Some people tell me just go to my mothers, who would benefit from me being there (I am happy to help my mother as she helps me too by allowing me back in her home). If I was home alone I might workout, shower, face mask, meditate, research, journal, decompress. Because she’s here I feel if I start yoga I will be getting death stares. It’s like if she’s home I need to just sit by her side and do what she does but I know what I need to be my healthiest…. and it’s the things that tend to ones well being (healthy schedule, good energy / diet, being active). Additionally, we are living with her brother and they both sleep incredibly late each night. I try to sleep early but there is noise and I am energetically sensitive. I also now constantly feel angry thoughts from them when I isolate myself in the room, like because I separated myself they are against me. Stressful! Hurtful! Confusing! Always being pointed at like the bad guy. When living in my own, I got spoiled with finding my perfect conditions for well being and having them – a peaceful home that I can shut down when it is bed time, an undistrubed morning / bed routine, the entire day to myself to truly work out how I want and need to spend my day (with my well being and future always the priority- why shouldn’t it be for us all?). I am here without a car and no other friends so it’s hard to get out and go to yoga class, etc. I didn’t live with my mother in high school for a reason. I didn’t feel my future was the best in her household and that’s still a large fear of mine if I move back in with her. My mother has a lot to work on spiritually and can often lash out for no reason – lots of memories in childhood and why only 2/4 of her children are talking to her. It feels risky at this point to move back, even though if I never stopped here that’s initially what I wanted. I visited my mom this Christmas and it was great, I love her, and I accept that is not perfect but I know it can’t always be like that, at least my track record of memories reports that. At my moms I can eat freely without judgment, drink water without discomfort.. she also sleeps late but I feel she would respect my schedule if I told her and let me excuse myself for bed at a time I felt.  I’m so overwhelmed from this situation that I wish I could just live alone. Living with others I feel constantly their toy and needing to please them when I am just a human who can only handle so much. My brother and occasionally his family also live at my mothers so still stimulation but at least they are on my “side” which I never felt until I felt moments of my friend and her brother against me in the house(examples. “Omg she drank all the coffee” talking about me even though I would never finish something without intent and action to replace it). I feel so exhausted from this each day. My body feels weak at this point. And it makes my body sink a little more to think the people around me would WANT that reality for me. And when I bring it up, I am the bad guy. Like being in some torture house where they don’t really care about your well being.
I like here because the idea of being with friends, and working at a restaurant in town sounds nice to me. But the reality is I wake up in confusion each day trying to please people and figure out why I’m feeling judgment or bad energy for simply being myself. At my mothers, this restaurant I want work is not there, but I’m open to any job.

I feel confused, and exhausted. I can’t rest anymore as I hear their (her and her brother) footsteps next to my door all night and feel a bad energy being sent to me as she walks by. When I try to do yoga and she is home, I feel watched, judged, even tormented like she is just watching me thinking negative things at a crazy rate.

Does anyone have any idea why I feel this way and how I should move forward?

thank you

beyond words

and with much love