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Hello Tiny Buddha members,
I have to say I always appreciate your advice and honestly on your responses. This is definitely a wonderful community.
I apologize, being I know there are a ton of relationship questions, and just can’t seem to wrap my head around my situation. Did I sabotage this relationship with my anxiety and misunderstanding, did I push too hard, do some people honestly not commit or do they when they find the one?I met a wonderful person 3 years ago. We hit it off right away with great conversation, respect, attraction. I was 35 and he was 33. After almost a year of a great relationship, he moved into my house. Prior to this, we talked that this was the step before getting married. He was a fun, spur of the moment kind of guy, but with this, not the most responsible or “future” planner. Numerous months into the living situation, I asked about the possibility of marriage/future. We ended up booking a place to get married, being we realized they were filling up so fast. We shopped for rings, he asked my Dad for permission, but at the same time, he seemed to be pulling away. This caused me anxiety and nervousness, being I didn’t understand what was going on. With this I became aggressive (don’t understand why) and confused. I didn’t act from my heart and became scared. I freaked out one night and he said that we should talk and wanted to slow things down. I said okay, but didn’t understand. This seemed to change our dynamic. We both pulled away from one another and broke up one night after a fight and he moved out.
This broke me and I was an emotional mess. I, along with my family and friends, didn’t see a breakup coming. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t eat/sleep, couldn’t think straight. I had loved and wanted to marry this person. Then my ex did some not-so-nice things, such as talk bad to our friends, sent the wedding refund check to my house addressed to him, showed pics of him and my friends out on FB, and started seeing someone else. After a month or so, a friend set me up with someone as well, and I wasn’t ready, but starting dating, with my mind on my ex. Then two months later, my ex reaches out and wants to try it again, which completely confused me, but I was excited and nervous. I thought I should give it a try, and it started out great. I bring him back into my world, family, friends, travel. As I am around his friends, I notice that some don’t talk to me, and it’s awkward around his parents. I was used to getting along so well with his friends and family, so this was really hard for me. We did great for about 6 months, and then I asked him again about our future, being I am now 37, want children/marriage and also want to know his intentions, being it seemed like just “having fun” was his. He then tells me that he doesn’t know and wants to wait and see. He wants to see if I’ll freak out again and how we get along. So, he mentions seeing a couples counselor, which I think is a good idea. But I am not feeling commitment from him. This is all so difficult, being I was nervous he would just break up with me again and don’t feel “safe.” I don’t know if it’s all in head or in my heart as well. I feel that things are wrong and perhaps have a hard time forgiving him for the past breakup. At this time, I feel depressed and feel like my self esteem is not well, but we are spending a ton of time together, planning future trips, etc.
Then around the time we were supposed to get married (9 months in the 2nd time), this date sticks in my mind and brings up old hurt, but when I try to talk to him, he doesn’t communicate anything solid. Then the night of our mutual friend’s wedding, he seems distant and is talking to an old ex up at the bar (late night after the wedding). Instead of being classy and going up to talk to him, I get jealous and feel threatened, so go up and yell at him and go walk back to the hotel by myself. He doesn’t come back for another hour and the next day, my anxiety gets the best of me, and I ask him what are we doing, what is going on, called him an a**hole and just ruptured. I felt horrible about myself and what I did. The next day, we talk and basically says he doesn’t know about the marriage, he doesn’t like it when I get frustrated, and because we don’t have a lot of time to figure things out, he thinks we should be done. I didn’t try to stop it and felt a bit of relief just to know something. I look back and have so much guilt for the way I acted. I was given a second chance, and I blew it, letting my thoughts, anxiety and the unknown get the best of me. I didn’t feel like myself. I can’t help but think I threw away a wonderful future with someone being I needed to “know,” felt unsafe, felt insecure. This was 7 months ago, and I just can’t get over the shame, embarrassment, and low feelings of myself. I am 38 and pushed away a great guy. We had tons of mutual friends and my family loved him. I just don’t understand why I acted the way I did if I loved him. He is now enjoying his life. At first he was texting me a lot and then said he didn’t know if he made the right decision, but then in another phone call, he told me how busy he was dating. All this hurts, so I asked for no contact and I am talking time to get “better” and wonder if I should even ever be in a relationship. I am doing metta mediation and seeing a counselor, but still find myself so broken.
Lightsource,
First and foremost, my sympathies for this trying situation. It can be frustrating and devastating to have what it appears to be someone who cannot make up their minds in having a long-term relationship with you. I understand the feelings of seeming inadequacy, but I am happy that you have the resilience to not believe this. Before you decide to move on, is there something you can learn in spite of this roller coaster? If he seems to be an impulsive person who did not like to plan ahead, that seems to be the first red flag, as a marriage is a commitment that requires more planning ahead and less impulsiveness (could you imagine his fathering techniques?). It appears that you were ready for a long and fulfilling relationship, and he possibly had doubts jumping into the same ship. Although the feelings of being afraid is natural and understood, the first person he should have talked to is you. No matter how you slice it, I feel that he handled the situation very immaturely with his subsequent actions, and that is no fault of yours. Examine the situation, your emotional responses of anger and resentment, was that truly stemmed from what you feel is a weakness of yours and yours alone? Or were these simply a reaction to his poor behavior? I wouldn’t recommend allowing anyone to have power over you by making you feel as though you must be “cool and collected” while they are misbehaving. Anyone would have reacted the same way. Forgive yourself, but I don’t feel I have to tell you that you can’t force someone else to grow (which would be a chore anyway). If you’d like to focus on controlling explosive reactions and channel them in a more calm and assertive way, there are lots of resources (and can catch many off-guard if they know they are misbehaving, they can’t use the “its YOU that’s the problem! Look at how you’re acting!” excuse anymore.)
Now, it is a good exercise to meditate and reflect on some seeming weaknesses that you may have before seeking out another relationship. Re-examine why you want a family, why you want a long term relationship. Is it for the right reasons? Or because you feel the slow creep of time? We as humans tend to see less clearly while under pressure, we give up needed examination in favor of shortcut solutions to make the perceived time crunch. I feel that this same mechanism can cause us to make not so great mate choices or miss subtleties that could have sent a message saying, “this trait is going to be bothersome later, let’s talk about it now.” If a similar situation arises again and you are pit against the same traits of impulsiveness from your partner, as fun as it might be in the moment, I would take the opportunity to explore why they are like that; more often than not people will give you insight on who they are if they are simply asked. This is a good way to anticipate how this is going to match up with your future goals and plans.
Best wishes.
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