Dear surfthesky:

Back in April this year, five months ago, when you were about to turn 21, you were on your 4th semester studying biology, and you were thinking about changing your subject of studies from biology to psychology, linguistics, or philosophy. You wrote at the time: “I am always thinking about what other people would think about me. ‘What will I study that will make me super successful? Will they be jealous of me? Will they finally approve me?“.

About your childhood, you shared that you moved a lot, lived in three countries, and about your parents, you shared: “they were very demanding and strict with me. They never had much time for me and even when they did, they weren’t really interested in talking with me or just spending time with me, and they criticised me a lot… We were also fighting a lot in a very bad manner… the need to satisfy (parents), to show them that I am time-worthy is definitely existing“.

Fast forward, in September, you walked the Camino de Santiago in Spain as a pilgrim. The Camino de Santiago is a network of pilgrimages (pilgrimages: journeys taken by pilgrims, pilgrims: people who take a long journey to a sacred place for religious purposes), leading to the shrine of the apostle Saint James the Great in northwestern Spain.  Every year, hundreds of thousands of Christian pilgrims (as well as hikers and bicyclists who take on the journey for sports), start the journey from their homes, or from popular starting points across Europe. Most pilgrims travel by foot, some by bicycle, some on horseback or by donkey, like in medieval times.

This was your experience on the month-long spiritual and physical journey: “Finding spirituality and feeling like I could leave all my bad experiences behind me… Everything seemed to change. It was the first time I actually started to heal when I was on the Camino; meeting so many different, beautiful spirits… It was the first time since a very long time I felt so good about myself again, laughing so much every day. I actually made friends there, every day, I wasn’t afraid of people going to hurt me. And it was so easy finding friends on the Camino! People actually liked me!… (I was) free-spirited and someone who is loved by everyone. I miss having easy conversations, not overthinking every sentence I say“.

After the journey, choosing to study psychology in Vienna, you applied to live in many flats to share with other students, but you were rejected every time, and someone else was chosen over you. These rejections led to these thoughts: “I just can’t seem to figure out why; why am I never good enough? I feel like this whole situation triggers all the problems I used to have with myself, just when I thought things were getting a lot better… I just really can’t wrap my head around why no one likes me enough to actually choose me. In my head, all I can think about is that this is the same as it always was for me: I am never good enough, I am never ‘cool’ enough, I am never enough for people to actually like me… it just seems like nothing has changed, I am the kid no one wanted to be friends with all over again“.

My input today: there is a synonym for our childhood years, which I find most fitting, and it is our Formative Years. It’s a fitting term because our deep beliefs about who we are, are formed during our childhood years. In adulthood, it is very, very difficult to change these formed beliefs.

During your individual childhood, as a result of how you were treated, primarily by your parents, the deeply set belief that you are never good enough to be liked, not worthy to be chosen- was formed. At 21, you had a month- long pilgrimage with other people who, like you, were in their best state of mind (“so many different beautiful spirits“): generous and social, connected to their fellow pilgrims… for the duration of the pilgrimage. You, like the others with you, felt different from normal (and not surprisingly, because the month-long pilgrimage was indeed an experience outside the normal).  Following the pilgrimage, normal life resumed and so did the… normal state of mind for most, if not all of the pilgrims.

There was no way for a month-long experience in adulthood to change your deeply set belief that was formed during your childhood.

To really change such a deeply set belief as yours, it will take a whole lot more than a pilgrimage or any such short-term experience. It will take a process of healing that is best started in quality psychotherapy.

In regard to your rejection when applying to shared apartments, it’s probably not one reason that is behind all of the rejections, but one or more of reasons like these: the state of demand and supply (how many flats are available vs. how many students are looking for flats), the specific requirements, likes, dislikes and preferences of the landlord/ landlady/ main tenant in each flat, and perhaps how you come across: friendly or not, etc.

The pilgrimage experience, although it did not permanently change life, it gave you a peak into how you can feel long-term as a result of the long process of healing that I mentioned. You can feel again the following: “I felt so good about myself…  I wasn’t afraid of people going to hurt me… People actually liked me!… (I was) free-spirited and someone who is loved by everyone…  having easy conversations, not overthinking every sentence I say”– this can be your future emotional/ social experience during and after unearthing those formed beliefs of childhood and replacing them with new beliefs that are true to who you really are: good enough to be liked and loved and chosen.

anita