Im 48 years old and so far my work life has been a mess ie I’ve never had the confidence, drive, motivation, persistence and social skills to go for what I really want in life.  Instead I have gone through my entire life working in low skilled , low paid, mind numbing jobs to make ends meet and I have never really been able to hold any of these jobs down because I become so frustrated and depressed that I throw it in. I have had long spells of unemployment and have even been so desperate at times that I sold my body!  Yes that’s right I prostituted myself because it felt easier than being stuck 9-5 in a boring job. However that was a long time ago when I was younger and more able to do such things.  In the end that became soul destroying though and I gave it up.

I have dreams and ideas about what id maybe like to be but they are all in creative fields and so I feel that it is virtually impossible to make money from them. People do but not without many many years of struggle and also not without having good social skills and connections.  I even completed a degree in the hope that it would change things and get me out if the rut but it changed nothing. I am in exactly the same situation but now I have a piece of paper that says I completed a degree.

It has now been almost 3 years since I finished and I have hardly even tried to find work. I contacted  a few companies and I look through the ads but it seems that even the most junior level entry positions require experience. I am also up against many young people who have been brought up to believe that they can do anything and who have also practiced their craft from a very early age and so they are way more talented than me.   I’m basically just not attractive to employers at all.

Im in a major rut and given up hope basically. This all effected my 15 year relationship with my partner. I became depressed, frustrated and miserable and he decided to end it.   So I feel I have lost everything that me at anything to me and on top of that I have no income and I am looking down the barrel of homelessness, more depression and just a disastrous future basically.

I think about ending it all on a daily basis. It seems to be like a more peaceful and easier way to fix the mess I have created. The amount of effort and work neccessary to pull myself out of this rut is too overwhelming.  Before anyone tells me to see a therapist I have already  been to psychologists, psychiatrists and psychotherapists and none of them could help me. They basically just told me the same stuff I have read in books about CBT etc and then charged me hundreds of dollars for the privilege. I would leave their office and not put into action what they told me so it was a waste. My patyner paid for it and now I do not have that choice so can’t afford it anyway.

Im not sure why it even here telling people this. I guess I feel very alone and sad and have no one to listen to me.  I have practiced insight meditation for 6 years in the hope that it would shed some light on my situation and help me to be stronger but in truth it hasn’t changed much at all.   Most of the time I feel meditation is a frustrating and boring experience and a waste of time.  I’m not sure where I’ll end up. I don’t feel like I will live long the way I’m going.