One day, some day, soon,

My day will come.

I don’t know when I got so lost in this haze. This haze of my emotions. Just lost, feeling all the time, introverted. Everything a shadow of it’s former self, now the norm. It doesn’t hurt. I just feel nothing right now, and it’s not even a “bad” or “painful nothing like it used to be. No, thankfully those days are over! Thank God. But it’s still nothing.

I’ve been lost in a haze for so long. I just want to come out! I may be functioning normally(ish), I may be doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing… But I know I’m not really living, and I don’t know what living is to me but I know it’s nothing anybody can tell me. “Just go and do this, live a little, etc” Some to do list, I don’t care. I know that’s not it. I know there are things to be done and I will do them.

What hurts most is the haze. This haze I’ve been in. This cloudy, disorganised, unfocused, unclear, nebulous, fog that I have been walking through ever since I started feeling my emotions! I hate it! I want to see clearly, I want clarity! On my personality, on who I am, on what I “should” do (I know, not should but there’s so much potential in that forceful energy).

This haze, this fog, this thick smoke that covers my eyes, my ears, goes into my mouth, through my nose, my every sense ensconced in this f*cking vapour of “mediocrity” (can’t think of another word for it).

Not mediocrity. Pessimism. But not a pessimism caused by me per se, or at least it doesn’t feel caused by me though I know it is. It’s just this pessimistic, glass half full (instead of glass full, I know I’m being fancy with it) kind of outlook that’s not bad but not really good either? It’s like, I’m not negative, no… but I’m definitely not positive either. I’m not letting myself sink like the Titanic, I am not going down without a fight. I just want to break free!

I just want to break free from the prisons of my own consciousness!!! This prison of my own mind! This list of things I’ve decided that I can and cannot do, these “rules” or “laws” I have created for myself that I keep following that seem to lead me nowhere! I just want to be free of these “laws”, these prison bars that cloud my judgement!!!

My mind is a prison and I’m so tired of it. Continually drowning in the f*cking list of things I have decided that I – whoever the f*ck that is – can and cannot do. So many rules. No success. No achievement because these laws are so damn strict, so damn tight.

I need to break out of my own mental prison.