Sorry for such a long winded post, hope it makes sense 16 years ago I was suddenly left a single mom with a 11 month old daughter, no job and just married 6 weeks. I even had to go to a trip given to us in Sept, hoping for resolution, but had none. He cheated on me I later found out. I had no idea and I was beyond devastated.
Im very self aware and I knew the journey to healing had to start with my planned expectations of the “perfect family” I dreamed of since my parents divorce when I was 13. I started a full time well paid job and was a successful single mom. When my daughter was 3 we moved to a smaller city, I met a ‘nice’ man at work who was ending a marriage. We had nice long talks and I felt really bad for him. We became friends. He was kind, listened well, great father and adored me. I did not feel the same adoration for him. Nice , yes, Attracted not at all! But I thought, Ive been attracted to and fell in love with complete idiots in the past, and I should try something different, some one different. Eventually I could fall in love with him?. Plus I was desperate to have a family environment for my daughter. I wanted her to have a dad, at home. I wanted her too witness a loving family environment. She loves him more then life now. If it was not for her love for him I would have left along time ago. AS time went on, I found him too accommodating, too easy going, too complacent. I tested it , as no one can be this easy, this buddha like. He had a good act on, even from himself. In the past 4 years He had irritating habits, gained alot of weight, and has one ailment after another. I learnt through observation it was how he dealt with money, work and frustration. But if you asked hes say he was fine, always fine. I could not argue with such a ‘nice’ guy. Anyways he now admits that he is out of touch of his true emotions within himself. He ignores them. To me this leaves ‘us’ with no emotional or intellectual intimacy. So hes becoming Zenish and reading many books. when he remembers. His memory if insanely bad. Irritably so. In the meantime the last 4 years my daughter had a huge mental and emotional breakdown do to bio dad. I have been not only wife and mother, but nurse, councilor, psychiatrists, researcher, caregiver and more. I am ok with this for my daughter and she is getting much better. But for my husband! I had to push him to go to sleep clinics, skin doctors (a skin disorder that makes his nose fater), gyms, diets, counseling, heart test, health food store for vitamins, supplements and more. He is still in denial that he has a constant stream of health issues. So now Im making a calendar. Bottom line is he is a great guy, but the past several years I feel like a mom and a huge NAG more then anything. And when I try and stop, I can’t either cause I feel Im the only one t help or we will be over. OR it just drives me crazy! I have not worked full time for years and he likes it that way, but Im going to get full time work, my daughters in grade 12. I want this pain to end, and I do not know how. If I stay Im very unhappy with him, Im happy when Im on my own. But with him around Im irritated by him constantly and riddled with enormous guilt! I obsess over this and hyper focus on all the other happy couples around me. ANd to add to this inner turchure i am putting myself through; yrs ago i introduced my bro in law to my friend, 6 yrs later I tried again and they hot it off, she was not totally attracted to him, but I told her you have to get over yourself or you will be alone, he is a nice guy. Not sure how she feels now, we are less of friend then before, this hurts too, another story! They are getting married, and he has 5 brothers 2 close to, includes my husband but he asked her brother to be best man! He lives 4 hours away, they see eachother like 4 x a yr. What is hardest is her brother was my highschool sweetheart and throughout the years I discover he cheated on me too. Now my lesson is how I deny my feelings, Im logical and psychoanalyst about them, and maybe detached. Protected. But suddenly in teh past year I have more emotions the ever, I never thought seeing my ex would ever bother me, now I cant bare teh thought of being in this wedding, and some of it has to do with her, my friend, who treats me like Im not. Rather spend dates and fun with family and friends and not invite me! I just want to run away. Im not sure anyone in the family likes me anyways. But devastating my daughter and my husband is not something I think I could live with! and yet can I live like this? I have studied Astrology for years, and it has brought me here, still in a relationship, knowing my lessons and my need for self discovery. But I think Im done. Just dont know how to get to a resolve where everyone is happy