October 11, 2018 at 6:52 am #230315
I don't know where to begin my story. Things have happened, they've been happening for at least 13 years. My dad started cheating on my mom when I was 13 years old. They're still together, he's still cheating with the same woman, my mom knows. There was a lot of drama in the house ages 13 to 17. It was hard on me but my mind couldn't quite grasp it all, I loved school, I had friends, I had a boyfriend, things were quite good. I dare say I was happy. After high school I went a year abroad, I partied a lot, built a lot of confidence, experimented some. I was happy. Then college came, I was happy for another 3 years. Even though I had always been kind of.. outspoken, a little dramatic, a few insecurities, I was fairly happy, I knew who I was. My parents situation was tiring but we managed as a family.
Then I met a boy and things went south. I don't feel like going into detail but long story short, it was very toxic and was about 2 years on and off. I became depressed, couldn't function. Then I met someone else, things weren't healthy with him either. We broke up, took a break and are together again. We worked out some issues. I still feel a lot of negative emotions towards my ex and sometimes my current boyfriend as well. I have a very stressful and demanding job, but it's the job I wanted and I work hard every day.
But since I met that one toxic guy, my life has felt empty. It's been three years of emptiness. I have friends, a boyfriend, a ‘cool' job. My parents are “managing”. Yet all I can think of is running away. I want to leave. I want to leave everything and everyone. I don't know who I am but whoever I am, I hate this person. I want to forget my past, I want to ban past people out of my current life. Social Media is the worst, yet I can't leave it alone, even if I try it's part of my job. I've tried hanging with friends a lot, doing more sports, reading more. But I am so incredibly unhappy. I've been to therapy before concerning that toxic relationship, it helped for a while. I go out, I have a social life, hobbies. But it's just on automatic you know. I can't talk to my parents, I tried. My boyfriend calls me negative if I go into these things, I don't feel like he understands who I am, yet seems to love me so much.
I'm disgusted by me, I don't know how to self care or self love, I don't know what I want or need. I can't seem to make anyone understand. I just lost my care and lust for life. It seems to go back to my parents and that one ex, but people are tired of me talking about my ex. I am tired of talking about my ex. I want to let go of past issues but I feel so empty, so stuck.October 11, 2018 at 8:02 am #230337
We are born with that “lust for life”, eager to live, to experience. It takes a lot to take it away from us.
Living with your parents' drama, one that continues in the present (he is still cheating on your mother and she knows), didn't take that lust for life away from you, not for a long time. Your youth, that life force, the lust for life carried on until you had a toxic relationship with a man and that did it. I think that your depression is an overdue reaction to what you experienced at 13 and on. That experience caught up with you and brought you down.
Are you living with your parents currently and what is your relationships with them?
anitaOctober 11, 2018 at 10:56 am #230395
I completely understand how you're feeling. I think most people have been through or are going through rough patches in life – myself included.
I will tell you one thing why as I think you feel stuck in life… Past experiences have a huge impact on us as human beings and they can be so dreading which can leave us so unfulfilled. But you MUST move on from your past and LEARN how to accept your past and who YOU are. This is SO important. Acceptance and forgiveness are the keys to moving forward and perhaps you need to do that alone, without your boyfriend. Is he really that good for you? Maybe he's just a burden right now. Question yourself and don't be afraid to make changes for the better!
You will never be happy if you live with regret and letting your past influence you. Only you can control how you think and what you're making out of things.
I know it can be hard to truly talk about feelings and emotions with other people but a true friend will always help you.
Self love will slowly appear the moment you start putting yourself first in every aspect. Step away from the negativity and work on yourself.
You have to embrace who you are and be proud. I am sure YOU are awesome!