Dear Krupa:

He did his best with that 0.1% chance but the 99.9% won.

99.9% is 999 times greater than 0.1.

You accepted  that very small chance. It is a shame that the two of you are not together, that his father threatened  to murder him and  you if the two  of you did live together. It is a shame that a child, be it and adult child (your ex boyfriend) cared so much about not losing a man who threatened to murder  him and  the woman (his mother) supporting that position.

But there is nothing exceptional with adult children in any culture, and  in many contexts other than in  arranged marriages, to try to please  their parents no matter how harmful it is (for the adult child). It is so, unfortunately, because a child is born with the  need to please the parents.

Your ex boyfriend did try his best, short of losing his parents or his own life (and yours). I read many stories of those in arranged marriages and he tried more  than anyone else I read  about.

I think I  understand your sadness. Post  again anytime.

anita

Dear  Krupa:

As to  her reasons, why she married him after what you told her, it  is the same  as  his reasons, most likely. Her parents wanted this marriage and she too is driven to please them, to do as they told her. She too is probably afraid to lose them (or her life).

You tried reasoning with her, you wrote, but she was  not motivated by reason but by emotion, specifically by fear and the need  to please. I don’t think this marriage is the girl’s fault, not anymore than it is your ex  boyfriend’s fault.

I think that your wish that the girl “moves away to find a better partner”  is very unrealistic. And so is your wish that he comes back to you. The chances are very  small, probably still that 0.1% or so.

In arranged marriages culture, some husbands and wives “make up” for these arrangements  by having relationships  outside their marriages. I hope this  is not what will happen here.

Express your sadness  here  anytime and  in the future, have  more consideration to statistics.

anita

Dear Krupa:

“stuck and helpless”- that is how you feel and unfortunately, it is the reality you live in right now, that  is, he did get married. Another arranged marriage has taken place,  as expected, as he  expected.  One of millions of arranged  marriages that very day or week or month in your country.

This is Reality, and  there is  indeed nothing you can do about it, and so you are  helpless in that particular reality.

There are  other parts  of Reality that you have some power over, where you are  not helpless. Focus on those  parts where you have some power  over.

Allow yourself to  feel all that you feel, the sadness, the  loss and over  time, shift your focus. Accept  what  you cannot change and change what you can.

anita