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February 25, 2017 at 3:51 pm #129421
KarenParticipantI have reached a point in my life where I don’t know how to carry on. I used to have friends, I used to be happy and I used to hobbies and interests but there is none of it anymore. I am living because I have a child to raise. Living is more of an obligation than a desire anymore as there is nothing I look forward to anymore.
After I graduated from Uni, I obtained a job I was very happy with. I also fell in love at that time. That was the happiest time of my life. I lost on the love front as things didn’t work out between us. Then my parents arranged my marriage and I married someone I wasn’t sure about. I took a gamble and it didn’t pay off. I left my job, my friends and my family to live with my husband in a new country. I tried to love him and create a happy life but we turned out to be very different people. There were times when he emotionally and psychologically abused me. I carried on because we have a child together who deserves the best. I started to feel the pain of not having someone to share my life with. Even though I have a husband, we don’t share anything at all, including our bedrooms let alone thoughts. I focused on my child and put my career in the back seat. I became more and more isolated overtime. I have no friends now. Although I enjoy talking to people at work. Last year I finally got back to full time work. I earn a good salary and I enjoy my job. I also happened to come across someone at work who I thought was the most amazing man I ever met. He was flirting with me for 3 months on a regular basis. I started to develop feelings for him and started to dream about how perfect life could be. I had plans to leave this marriage and start all over again at 40. However, it turned out he was just having a bit of fun and he had no interest in anything beyond that. The pain is still raw as I only found it out 2 days ago. I feel like he played with my feelings. He shouldn’t have flirted for so long if he didn’t have any interest to pursue anything. You don’t expect that kind of attitude from a matured 37 year old man. At the moment I am dealing with feelings of anger, pain and loss.
At this point of life, I don’t know what I am looking forward to. Before I met this person, I used to enjoy reading, gardening and cooking. I also looked forward to one day own a nice house. I was finding happiness in these things as there wasn’t much else in my life. The thing that I have yearned for the most in my life is a loving partner who I can share my life with. When I saw the tiny possibility of that, I lost interest in everything else. Now that the hope of that ever happening is gone, I feel like I lost everything. I can’t seem to rekindle my interest in things that I used to enjoy. Of course I love my child and she is the real reason I am alive. But in a few years time she will be all grown up and move out of the house. My husband only exists in the same house as me, otherwise there is nothing between us, no emotional connection at all.
Now I don’t know how to keep going. There is nothing I look forward to in life. I don’t know what will make me happy. None of my previous hobbies seem to interest me and I have lost the desire to work towards a nice house. How do I carry on? What is the whole point of getting up everyday and slogging through the day?
February 25, 2017 at 4:56 pm #129423
TimParticipantSeriously? Yes you are! As for most human beings this is our life and our response to life. You came to Tiny Buddha why? It is important to start at the beginning. Want to eat a great sandwich? One bite at a time. Unless you’re a big dog you cannot eat whole. And if you could, you would miss the enjoyment of taste! *You need to start slow. Learn how to meditate. Meditation without beliefs or an idea of progress. A just do it method. In hindsight you will make note of changes but you just note and move on. Dragonfly….Mindfulness will help you to fly a little higher. Make good choices. Or no choices at all. You’re just stuck in thinking and having your mind drag you along.
February 25, 2017 at 6:11 pm #129429
AnonymousGuestDear dragonlily:
When it seems like the end, there is nowhere to go but to a beginning. Not the beginning of before, as there is no way to go back in time and reverse injuries that took their toll on you. Not the old beginning, trying to revive old interests, but a new beginning.
In a new beginning you know nothing, you expect nothing. You look around you, looking at you, at your life with new eyes, as if for the first time. There is a name for this kind of looking, it is called a “Beginner’s Mind”-
Everything you knew before is questionable, and there is so much to learn anew.
To use a “Beginner’s Mind” pay attention, be mindful, that is, of everything you do in your daily life- are you familiar with the concept of being Mindful?
anita
February 25, 2017 at 7:16 pm #129437KarenParticipantThanks for your replies timblack and anita.
I have been unhappy for the past 14 years. I had become used to keep going in spite of being unhappy. But when hope dangled in front of me, made me optimistic and then taken away from me, that’s when I felt the pain. I came to Tiny Buddha because I want to live and not just go from one day to another,
You both mentioned Mindfulness. Can you recommend a good book or website to learn this?
February 26, 2017 at 6:52 am #129473
PainterlyParticipantDear Dragonlily,
Oh dear, it sounds like you have spent your life waiting for someone else to make you happy. Your first boyfriend, then your parents, (who seem to have sent you away from your life), then your arranged marriage and now the flirt at work. (Newsflash, this behaviour is normal in all men, even 80 year olds). Well the only person who can make you happy is….YOU! Yes you! Your own best friend!
I’m assuming you are still in a foreign country. In Asia maybe? Where divorce is difficult? Otherwise you would have divorced your abusive husband and be bringing up your daughter on your own. Well here’s the thing. You have a husband. He hasn’t left you. Sit down with him and talk. Not over a romantic dinner or anything manipulative like that. Agree to put a date in your diaries, then sit down in a neutral space, and tell him you are unhappy, you are working on it but that you would like to be friends with him. It will take weeks or months, but there is a chance that you can learn to befriend each other. You have at least one thing in common and that’s your daughter. I’m not saying this is going to suddenly become the big romantic love of your life and even if it threatens to, don’t let it, because that’s just a big fantasy anyway. But show some compassion. He’s another human being who probably feels just as let down and isolated as you do. If you can’t work as friends then consider leaving and starting afresh. To do that you will need to build a loyal network of friends and family who will stick by you (alone) whatever. This is all going to take work. Relationship work, but it’s the alternative to victimhood, which might be comfy, but won’t take you anywhere.
Oh and as for the mindfulness – go to the App store and look for Headspace or one of the other mindfulness apps.
Painterly
February 26, 2017 at 7:57 am #129481AnonymousGuestDear dragonlily:
If you click BLOGS above, you will see “Mindfulness & Peace” in the drop-down menu. Click that and you will find articles about mindfulness. Wikipedia has a long entry on Mindfulness. There are books on Mindfulness. Amazon offers many online, from “Mindfulness Made Simple” to “Mindfulness for Dummies”- there are probably mindfulness exercises in those books. Mindfulness is a skill that is taught and heavily used in Western psychotherapy as it is often necessary for healing. It makes change possible.
I hope you post again with more of your thoughts, feelings, experiences.
anita
February 26, 2017 at 11:35 pm #129629KarenParticipantThanks for the replies painterly and anita.
I am aware that I had placed the keys to my happiness in other people’s hands. I don’t really know how to find true happiness within myself, though I have heard about it. I have a lot in my life that most people don’t and I am thankful for it too. I am not a very materialistic person either. Yet happiness has deluded me.
I have started reading about Mindfulness and practicing mindfulness exercises. I will keep you posted on how I go.
February 27, 2017 at 6:45 am #130591AnonymousGuestDear dragonlily:
No person is an island, we are born social animals, we need others. True happiness is within and without, both. We become more within when we have healthy interactions without.
No wonder you got to a point of not looking forward to anything: this is what social isolation does. Living in a new country, not working for awhile (so you didn’t have social interactions at work), not having a love relationship, no friends- how can a person be content isolated this way…
The man at work, he was your hope for a love relationship and that hope kept you going, looking forward to something. Since he is gone, the hope is gone to.
To move forward from your situation, practicing mindfulness will help in becoming more and more clear about your possibilities. Clearly, there must be possibilities for a better life for you. Hope you keep posting as you get clearer about those possibilities.
anita
March 27, 2017 at 7:20 am #129435KarenParticipant@TimBlack said:
Seriously? You came to Tiny Buddha why?Thanks for your reply timblack. I had been unhappy for the last 14 years but I had become used to of living without hope. When hope was dangled in front of me and then taken away, then I felt the pain. I came to Tiny Buddha because I am looking for advice on how to be happy without my happiness depending upon others. I don’t want to just keep going from one day to another, I want to live my life. But I feel too lost at this time.
@NewLife123 said:
To use a “Beginner’s Mind” pay attention, be mindful, that is, of everything you do in your daily life- are you familiar with the concept of being Mindful?
anita
Thanks Anita, what you said makes sense but I need to figure out how to do this. I know a little bit about meditation by focusing on your breathing to clear your mind of any thoughts but not sure about the concept of being Mindful. Is internet a good place to look at to learn about Mindfulness or is there a book you could recommend?
March 27, 2017 at 9:00 am #142355AnonymousGuestDear Karen:
You are welcome. Regarding Mindfulness, if you re-read my post to you on Feb 26, above, I suggested places to read more about it. Basically, Mindfulness is about paying attention to what you do, what you think, what you feel; what you hear/see/feel/taste/smell at the moment, moment by moment.
anita
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