Loud & Swearing husband

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    Dear forum members:

    It’s been more than a year since I’ve been on this forum. A hello to Anita if you are out there!

    So the story goes…I got married last summer to my boyfriend that I’ve lived with for 2 years. We’ve known each other since university (we’re now in our 30’s). He’s currently studying to become a psychotherapist.

    When he is in the outside world, he is super calm & well-mannered. He tells his friends & neighbours how he’s worked through all his problems. He tells them that he’s worked through all the triggers in his past with his parents & even offers advice to others. Others admire him for his strength and depth.

    But when he is at home with me, the minute his mom calls, he does not pick up the phone. When he does, he is obnoxiously loud & slams the phone. Every time he’s done a call with her, he starts swearing cuz he’s pissed at his mom. Sometimes, he rants on about an imminent apocalypse, or he talks about how his high school was a prison cuz he was racially discriminated or bullied. Even though he talks to a lot of people, he always says to me, “I have no friends. No one can be my friend.”

    I really don’t know what to do. I am seeing a therapist right now – that seems to be the only thing keeping me sane. When I tell some of his acquaintances that he’s very loud, they say “no way, Vince is not like that.” I feel like I’m living with a hypocrite who performs his best outside but takes it out on me at home.

    Any suggestions?

    Thanks & peace be with all,




    Dear Jen:

    Welcome back! A pleasure to have you back here.

    What you wrote here is congruent with what you wrote about your husband February 2016:

    “I know that growing up, he had a very controlling mother and I know that sometimes I trigger that & occasionally, I remind him that I am not his mother. Also, he mentions from time-to-time how he was bullied a lot by students and teachers at his all-boy’s school…and can’t seem to let that go.”

    When he tells others “that he’s worked through all the triggers in his past with his parents”- he is lying to them and maybe to himself as well. It is one thing to be somewhat aware of triggers and it is another thing to have “worked through” triggers. Clearly, he hasn’t.

    You asked for suggestions. You wrote last year that he was closed to discussing his issues with you. If he still is, and seems like he still is, there is no healing process for him that can take place via communication with you.

    He may need, for his healing, to have no contact with his mother, but is feeling too guilty to have no contact with her. Did you ever suggest to him to cut contact with her, at least temporarily, so that he can examine his unresolved conflicts with her without ongoing triggering?


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