Dear Mihika Dutta:

It is clear to me that you are very, very emotionally attached to “this amazing guy“, and I bet he really is amazing, but unfortunately there is no future for the relationship because he clearly told you “not to expect anything from him in future“, and that he is “clear that he will walk away when his family gets another girl“.

You asked for help here, on your thread, but of course, no one can dissolve your emotional attachment to him and make it easy for you to either (1) walk away from him now, or (2) to not hurt a whole lot when his family does find him another girl and he walks away from you.

He was raised by his parents to be loyal to his them (and to societal/ caste expectations), and his loyalty to them is very strong. I don’t think that you can dissolve his loyalty to his parents any more than any person can dissolve your emotional attachment to him.

As to the solution you suggested to him: “I told him to stay with me till he can and then he can go away, and I won’t ask a thing“- I don’t think it’s possible for you, or for any woman who is very, very emotionally attached to a man, to not ask for anything. Even if you don’t say anything, you will still be asking, even begging him to choose you and stay with you, begging with your eyes, with your touch.

It is not a good thing for any person to beg another, is it? When a person begs, the person sends the message to the other: I am weak, you are strong, please help me. This can work if you are hungry and are begging for food, but I don’t think it works in a relationship.

Is there any woman in real life that you can talk to about this situation, a friend that you have, or a friend that you can make, someone who will make you tea when you cry and hold your hand, so that the pain is not so great?

anita

Dear Mihika Dutta:

I can tell how emotional and stressed you are by reading your writing. You need to find ways to calm down, on a regular basis, so that you can choose what’s best for you instead of being driven by emotion alone.

“I always have it in my head all the time even when I’m talking to him that… maybe he’s not into it 100 percent etc.“- but it is true that he is not into the relationship 100%, and his words are evidence: “not to expect anything from him in future“, and that he is “clear that he will walk away when his family gets another girl“.

“I always have it in my head all the time…  that I’m forcing him“- do you mean that he is trying to end the relationship with you now, before his family gets another girl for him?

anita

Dear Mihika Dutta:

“He did tell me yesterday that his mother and brother have told him to not get attached too much to me anymore. It’s not good for me and him“- I didn’t know that his family knows about the relationship. So, they are okay with it for as long as he later marries another woman of their choosing.

They know that their son is attached to you and their advice is that he doesn’t get too-much attached to you. I am assuming that they know, or that they can reasonably assume that you are already too-much attached to their son.

If their advice includes you: that it is not good for you to get too-much attached to him, they are too late: you are already too much attached to him, don’t you think?

“He says that lets enjoy the path and not worry about the final Destination“- being that (1) the expected final destination of the relationship is him exiting the relationship with you and marrying another woman, and that (2) you are very attached to him, too much attached to him, I don’t see how you can avoid worrying about the final destination of the relationship. Do you see a way for you to not worry about the expected ending of the relationship?

I wonder if your parents/ family or friends know about the relationship. If no one knows about the relationship on your side, and the relationship is therefore a secret, it is, and will be more difficult for you to go through all this worry, hurt and sadness all alone.

anita

Dear Mihika Dutta:

“My only concern is if I’m ready to stand against everyone and be with him and stand by him why isn’t he. It’s the bare minimum I am asking for“-

– Maybe because of the following:  the custom is that parents live with their son and with their son’s wife and children when they get older, not with their daughter=>  parents instill in their sons a stronger sense of loyalty and obedience than they instill in their daughters=> your boyfriend is more loyal and obedient to his parents than you are to your parents=> he stands by his parents and not with you, and you are willing to stand by him and against your own parents.

Can this be an explanation to your “why isn’t he” question?

anita