Dear Lutie:

In January 2019, more than 2.5 years ago, you shared that your mother “says mean things when she gets angry“, that you lashed out at your boyfriend at the time because you felt hurt, and that when you told your mother about the breakup from that boyfriend, “she raised her voice” at you.  Today, you shared that your older sister said mean things to you: “when we were younger, my sister would always bully me with mean comments (how ugly or stupid I was)“, that she screams at you sometimes, and that you received punishments, “cane, hanger or leather belt” from your father-

– this is often the story of familial aggression: it passes on from Parent to Child, from Sibling to Sibling.. and then it passes on to the outside: against a boyfriend.. against peers at school, or receiving aggression from peers (“bullied at school”) and even from a teacher (“teacher would talk down on me”). This is the dynamic of aggression: it’s passed on and on.. and on until it is stopped, if it is.. and it should.

* Jan 2019, you shared: “I grew up in a single parent household”- did your father beat you during visitations..?

anita

Dear Lutie:

After reading your recent post I went back and read again everything you wrote in your 2018 thread (I was wrong, it was Jan 2018, more than 3.5 years ago) and your posts in your current thread.

In the original post of this thread, you wrote: “I used to look up to my older sister as the well rounded person who is intelligent, sociable, outgoing and brave“-  it seems to me, from having read all your posts, that it is you, Lutie (screen name), who is the well-rounded person who is intelligent, sociable, outgoing and brave, as well as kind and patient.

You asked: “What can I do to break free from this cycle of aggression?”

As a Start, you will have to live elsewhere, away from your aggressive and abusive sister (or she will have to move out). Problem with the rest of your family is that they have endured and excused her aggression: “my family and I endured whatever she said or did because she was depressed“- she does not have the right to be aggressive toward others because she is depressed. (It doesn’t make sense to stand up to aggression only if the aggressor and abuser is happy!) Aggression and abuse should not be endured or excused.

To stop your sister’s aggression and abuse, the rest of the family needs to be united in refusal to accept it. But your mother maintains the situation of your sister abusing you: “My mom would always ask me to overlook whatever my sister did or try to be empathetic of her situation”. Your mother is wrong: the victim of abuse must NOT overlook abuse and be empathetic to the abuser. When the abused feels empathy for the abuser- the abuse is maintained!

Your sister believes, so it seems, that abusing others is okay when she is angry (“Whenever she is angry, she would accuse me.. blames me for everything..“)- abuse is not excused by anger. (Imagine that abuse is not  okay only if the abuser is calm!) Abuse is not okay no matter what the abuser feels!

“My therapist told me the best way for me to let go is to forgive but I am unable to do so since it pains me how she doesn’t know how much she had hurt me through out the years“- forgiving an abuser, just like feeling empathy for an abuser, is always a bad idea when you still live with the abuser and still abused by her.

Imagine a deer feeling empathy for an approaching mountain lion, thinking something like: “oh, poor  mountain lion, he looks so hungry.. I must let it eat me!”  Imagine the mountain lion biting the deer, and the deer has a chance to escape, but doesn’t because it thinks something like: “I shouldn’t be angry at the mountain lion and run away, or fight him.  I should forgive him!”

Empathy for and forgiving an abuser who did not change his/ her ways is bad advice. It is bad advice when your mother gives it to you, or a therapist!

anita

Dear Lutie:

“Is minimizing interaction with my sister considered passive aggressive?“- no: minimizing contact with an abusive person is a protective reaction.  It is not aggressive. You need to protect yourself from your sister’s direct aggression against you,  and from her indirect (passive-aggressive) aggression against you.

“Since I will be staying home for a while, any advice on what I can do to better protect myself emotionally?“-

Minimize your interactions with your sister to the bare minimum, zero interaction will be best. Ignore her best you can. If she is nice to you (in an effort to no longer be ignored perhaps)- reward her niceness with a smile or a polite word, but that is all: do not become friends with her, don’t get closer to her.

Politeness is the best I would hope from her, if I was in your shoes.

If your mother tells you that you should stop ignoring your sister, that you should be nice to her, etc… because she is depressed, or because she (appears to be) trying to be nice to you.. or whatever she say:  do not listen to her. She already told you that you should accept or endure your sister’s abuse- so don’t avail yourself to more of her bad advice, suggestions or instructions!

“I spent most of my life hating my dad, upon the news of his death, I wasn’t able to shed any tears for him… Everyone in the family.. looked at me as if I was a monster who has cold blood“- he hit you with a cane, a hanger, a leather belt.. and maybe with his bare hands from the time you were 7 to 12, and he sexually molested you when you were 10, and then tried a second time. When your father, the cold blooded monster died, your family looked at you as.. “a monster who has cold blood”. That’s outrageous to me!

“I would like to forgive them for myself so that I could move on with my life without feeling bitter but I do understand abuse should not be overlooked“- do not accept or endure abuse.. once you are no longer abused, then forgive, best you can.

“I do empathize my sister since I  experience depression before“- empathize with her depression but not with her aggression. Empathize with your own feelings, whatever they are, and see to it that you don’t accept others’ aggression and that you are not aggressive toward others.

Remember that protecting yourself from aggression, minimizing contact, is not aggressive behavior: it is a protective and wise reaction to another person’s aggression.

anita

Dear Lutie:

You are welcome. You wrote regarding your family looking at you as if you were “a monster with cold blood” when you didn’t shed tears about your father’s death: “I could really blame them for the cold stare since I never told my mom and siblings regarding the molestation“- but they knew about the beating that your father inflicted on you.. and him beating you was a a big enough reason to explain why you weren’t sad when he died, and why you were angry at him.

When you told your mother about your father having sexually molested you, she reacted this way: “my mom tried to defend my dad by saying he was a good man, that he was a victim of abuse himself which turned him into a different person at times. Then she questioned whether I imagined the whole thing, if it did happen I should just forget about it and move on since his not around anymore (why blame a deceased person)“- you have a bigger problem than an aggressive sister: your mother. She defends abusers (your physically and sexually abusive father, and your aggressive sister), she is on their side. This is very, very sad.

You wrote regarding your mother: “I do blame her for siding with my sister more“- I blame her too: she should never side with an abuser/ aggressor!

“Today my sister just said ‘sorry’ then walked away (what she always does), I pointed out to her that it was not a proper apology without changed behavior“- you are correct. It is very easy to say “sorry”. It takes a second and no effort. She says the word for a dishonestly manipulative purpose: to make it (falsely) appear that she is the good/ humble/ kind one and you are the bad/unforgiving/unkind one.

“I wonder why people who hurt another never seem to retain any memories of the incident“- they say they don’t remember.. it doesn’t mean that they don’t remember.

“Do you think it would help her understand about how I feel by telling her about what she did in the past till now? (I know this is fruitless, but I feel like telling her so that I could let go of the idea of changing/understanding her)“- I don’t think that she is interested in you helping her to understand you, I don’t think she cares to understand you. But you can try and find out. If you do, let me know what you told her and how she reacted, will you?

anita