Forum Replies Created
September 23, 2021 at 10:56 am #386625
Thank you for your advice. I will try to avoid her from now on.
I could really blame them for the cold stare since I never told my mom and siblings regarding the molestation. Only a few months ago, I open up to my mom and my youngest brother regarding the topic. My brother asked me why I never told him about it until now, why I kept everything to myself and suffered alone. While my mom tried to defend my dad by saying he was a good man, that he was a victim of abuse himself which turned him into a different person at times. Then she questioned whether I imagined the whole thing, if it did happen I should just forget about it and move on since his not around anymore (why blame a deceased person). I was quite shock when she said that to me (although she did try to comfort me), I only wanted to hear her say that it wasn’t my fault. I felt even worse when she blames herself for being the breadwinner of the house, how it was all her fault for trying to raise a family etc (I felt she was guilt tripping me to stop the conversation which it worked). I never blamed her for anything in my life (I do blame her for siding with my sister more, and myself ), since she was abused by dad and his side of the family (when they were living in the same house).
Today my sister just said ‘sorry’ then walked away (what she always does), I pointed out to her that it was not a proper apology without changed behavior, she would frown then ignore me by walking away. I overheard her complain to mom what she did wrong, why I could not forgive her even after she said sorry, which she continue to say how resentful I was for not being able to give another chance to her and that she could not see what she did wrong (Yep, they were talking next to the living room how can I not hear anything).
I wonder why people who hurt another never seem to retain any memories of the incident yet the victims delve in the memories of the hurt (a book explained how the brain is more likely to store memories associated with strong emotions due to the adrenaline hormones being release during the experience).
Do you think it would help her understand about how I feel by telling her about what she did in the past till now? (I know this is fruitless, but I feel like telling her so that I could let go of the idea of changing/understanding her)
LutieSeptember 21, 2021 at 7:32 am #386570
I never thought the actions my mom and sister did was consider a form of abuse. My mom never laid one finger on us even though she’s a bit overbearing at times.
At the moment, I don’t have the financial ability to move out (not working yet due to health). After moving to the living room, I minimize interaction with my sister (avoid unnecessary conflict), she would slip apology note underneath my door and asks me to move back to the room. I refused her by saying I need my own space, I decided to give up the room to you. I did try to mend the relationship but she ended up writing me another note (from previous post) that made zero sense. I feel that my older sister always wants to get a reaction out of me and my brothers through small subtle things like bumping into you while we cook/sit/cutting ingredients etc. I do not really understand her at times, maybe part of the problem is that I try to understand her.
I spent most of my life hating my dad, upon the news of his death, I wasn’t able to shed any tears for him (I remember being accused of being cold hearted). Everyone in the family cried except me, my sister/ relatives looked at me as if I was a monster who has cold blood. Hating him made me realized one thing, I was not able to truly live my own life because I am unable to trust anyone, it was very difficult for me to open up to people. I would like to forgive them for myself so that I could move on with my life without feeling bitter but I do understand abuse should not be overlooked. I do empathize my sister since I experience depression before.
Since I will be staying home for a while, any advice on what I can do to better protect myself emotionally? Is minimizing interaction with my sister considered passive aggressive?
LutieSeptember 20, 2021 at 6:33 am #386527
Thank you for your reply. I am surprised that you reread the last post. I did not realize that I left out many details due to my emotional state at the time. My parents only officially divorce when I was 14, we never saw him again afterwards until the news of his death. My father started to beat me at the age of 7, he only stopped when I turned 12 (my memory is a bit fuzzy since I only recently started to remember things related to the abuse). When I was 10, he molested me during my sleep (which he tried a second time but was not successful since I have become wary of him) luckily I was able to escape after struggling through kicks and punches. I used to hide outside (rain or shine) until my siblings came home (my mom is rarely at home due to work). After sometime, I became suicidal, I started to harm myself. One day, as I climbed up the balcony rail to actually end my life, my youngest brother called out to me asking what I was doing. That’s when it hit me, how my death would affect my little bro so I decided to suppress all the emotions that I had including the memory of molest. The memories only started to resurfaced only a few years ago. I never understood why I was scared of boys (never dated until I met my ex) nor why I couldn’t form proper bonds with people around me. Unexpectedly the breakup help me open my eyes to the problems I never knew I had.
What can I do to break free from this cycle of aggression?
LutieJanuary 5, 2018 at 7:08 pm #185303
She does sometimes imply that paths away from her as wrong, the path chosen or suggested are always right (which may not be the case).
Thank you for your patience and advice. I think I need to rethink about my life and take control since I have only listened to her all my life.
LutieJanuary 4, 2018 at 10:45 pm #185141
Thank you for commenting. I don’t think I have a chance with him anymore since we are countries apart from each other, after how I treated him I don’t think I will bring myself to do so aswell.
You are right, I should learn how to be a better person, I wanna learn more about myself before going into another relationship since I have always been dependent on others for my happiness (after the breakup I realise the problems that I had so I started writing a journal). Recently, I have started working out like you mentioned, it really helped divert my attention from him.
* I always thought breakups was easy till I experience it myselfJanuary 4, 2018 at 10:34 pm #185139
Now I know its wrong to mistreat him and I have no right to do so.
My mom had suffered through her last marriage, my father did not provided any financial nor emotional support to the family and he was an abusive person. After the divorce, she diverted her attention to raising the five of us. My mom tends to be overbearing at times eventhough we are all adults now (she did not want us to end up on the wrong path or marrying the wrong partner). It is possible that she might feel threaten by the thought of me leaving her behind (none of us are married yet and we stay at home).January 3, 2018 at 5:50 pm #184937
I didn’t know how to cope with the hurt (since it was my first relationship) I lashed out on him which was not right. During the relationship I was kinder and more understanding and we rarely fought (he even said you were more understanding, what happened). Probably the new girl treat him kindly compared to me.
I grew up in a single parent household, my mother opinion would matter the most to me which she was not always right.
My mother does say mean things when she gets angry. When I was trying to cope with the breakup (writing my emotions down whole crying) she raised her voice at me and said, do you want to marry this guy and this is how you treat your mother because of one guy (I asked her to give me some space but she wanted me to sleep) so I got raised my voice to her to leave me alone ( I rarely get angry).
I regret till today to have showed her my ex’s picture (he wanted to know if my mom liked him) and told him about my mother’s comment, it was very insensitive of me. I texted my ex yesterday apologizing about my behavior and I decided to control myself by not logging into facebook or messenger (I would stop bugging him).January 2, 2018 at 1:22 pm #184733
Thank you for replying. I was the one who told him that my mom didn’t like him and I tried to explain why but she didn’t like him based on his picture, maybe I shouldn’t have told him.
He was always patient with me and rarely said mean things to me. I always felt bad after saying them to him.