Am trying to pass over this situation but, somehow, I got the feeling that am only getting deeper. This sucks truly because I no longer know –I know I have said this many times- what to do, my genuine feeling is that even if I try to pace this back togather there will always be a feeling of lost and betrail, and I promis you that much it is not a good feeling at all.
I am sure am not doing everything correctly, and am sure I had a lot of problems and issues but come on, she went out partying out with friends and that’s all I know.
She went out and I fucking was talking to her over the phone, while I went to fucking bed, can you imaginge living in this situation when traveling aboard, can you imagine the feeling of that when you are away on business or what ever the fuck you are doing and she is just going out ???????? these are all questions that I do not have answers to but most confidently I do not believe it will be the last time she will do that.
I do genuinely believe I am in for more hard aches simply because I can not leave fearing that I will not find some one else to replace her, that is my genuine feeling right now, and it sucks to be in this situation it really does.
I do not want to lose someone who loves me, but I do not want to be with someone whom I cannot trust fully, I did my best or at least I think I consumed my very best to be patient, this is a fucking bad feeling to feel especially when nothing is going on the way it should.
I really cannot feel anything other than sadness taking over my hyped fun, I really do wish she never did that.
Now the case is, I have a girlfriend, whom I love and care for, and would do pretty much anything for her, except quitting smoking of course hahaha.
This girlfriend of mine we had a lot of fun with each other, and while she was with me, and I was taking things very serious, and she knew I was taking things very serious, and actually admitted to me that she is also taking me extermly serious and she is not the type of girls that is only for the fun part, she was using a small nasty application called TINDER, now tinder is known to hook up girls with boys, it is known to facilitate that kind of business among youngsters and older people for what it matters.
Now when I was talking to her, I always had issues, but dumb issues like per say why didn’t you call, how come you did not text, this is not cool by any means from my side, but just because I had nothing and still have nothing going on my plate. Later on I discovered that she was using this app to hook up with gents, and she actually did hook up with someone, a doctor, and I learned this from her, now at this point in time that’s the only thing I knew, but later on, I discovered on my on that she actually used it on a different occasion to pick up dudes or have dudues pick her app while in vacation, now that is not at all funny nor interesting, but actually feels like someone stabbed you right in the chest, by now any reader would tell me you should quiet this relationship, oh boy, not me, I fucking decided to stay for multiple reasons though, I decided to stay because I thought she is the one, I thought that If I lose her, I won’t find anything as good as she is ever in my life, I wont find someone who makes me laugh the way she did, I wont find someone who would help me enjoy life as she did, and I still strongly believe that this is the case, that if I leave I wont find anyone who would help me enjoy life, and I do not know how to fucking live by myself especially in the fucking fucked up situation I am in.
Now, I did stay but we had a big fight and everything was gona lead to us leaving each other, or me leaving her at least, looking back right now, I do not know why she never tried to leave at all while looking for the other dudes to hooke up with, I would have been much better off, as I wouldn’t have to make the big decision, why the fuck did she decide to stay that’s beyond me.
But anyhow, I stayed she stayed we all stayed togather, and decided to patch things up, we had what you call an epic call and we = she expressed her deep remorse over things and that she is a changed gale, but thre or four days later she decides to go out with friends and says to me: can I go out we will be back by 1:30 max, I say to her sure, if its only dinner, but boy did it hurt when she told me she actually went clubbibng, oh boy did that night was hard on me as fuck, oh boy did I fucking had a terrible ache in my heart and soul, I felt like I was in a deep pit and she was stoning me to death, I never ever had a terrible night that compares to that one, and I decided after that one that I will never have to experience the ach I did back than, now surely you are saying to your self, you guys brooke up, and did not stay togather, will here is the freaking catch, I forgived her, and forgot about it, I actually did not say much about it, I just lived with it. And we were again happy with each other, I even fucking paied for a vacation in turkey (yup I am a fucking morone) while I had all my savings exhausted, I know I know, I am pretty stupid, but what can you say to some one who fears being alone, that’s why I think I kep doing what am doing, that’s why I kept the relationship alive while I should of killed it months ago.
Now you must be wondering where am I with it, will actually this is not all that has been wrong with this relationship, other than what she did above, I kind of flinged and start the serious-jealousy boyfriend them, and started to control more and more of her life, in ways, do not talk to that, don’t go out, I do not want anyone calling your phone and the list goes on.
Now the differences that I had with this girl, evolved around mainly three things, the first thing was, the enumours male friends she had, which I stated I can not accept simply because I don’t like guys talking to my future wife to be every now and than, now this was clear to her from day 0, and slowly I can say or at least think she no longer kept contact with many male friends.
Second thing was, clothing, am not cool with having a girlfriend and a future wife who does not care what she shows of her body, I can not let her go out with mini skirts nor with v tops that shows half a boob and the last thing was I can not accept here going out to clubs, though occasionally I would allow it to be.
Now the situation I am in right now, is for another time, she decided to go out behind my back, with the girls – or so she said- enjoy night in a club, I know deep down that probably nothing happened, but this really dimishes the trust between us.

What do you think of this, and any advise you can give?