Hi guys,

I’m pretty new to this site but I’ve been doing a lot of reading as I dig into my spiritual and mental side more and more.

I am in a tough position and not sure where to proceed and maybe some of you experienced folks could give me some mind-opening wisdom, as I don’t know where else to turn. I’ve talked to friends, tried talking to my mother(which I have a very weird relationship with), they all tell me to move on and that I deserve better.

I’m 25 and last summer I was asked to come in to work and fill in for a friend for the remaining of a project I was on. This is where I laid eyes on the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I will call her M to keep it easy. At the time, I was in a relationship of two years and was still living with my (now) ex-girlfriend, Sam. I never pursued M as I had respect for my relationship at the time.

Halfway through the summer, Sam broke up with me out of nowhere. I moved out and went back home to live with my mom as the relationship had no way to survive, we were just different people with different goals and interests. It hurt, but I was able to move on. A month after, M’s pretty smile came to mind. We had each other added on social media, and I said “what the heck,  I have nothing to lose!” I asked her out to lunch/dinner and she agreed.

This would be the beginning of everything between us. I discovered we were much more similar than I could have imagined..from being raised Catholic to now not knowing what we believe in, liking the same kinds of music artists, being against mainstream things, being somewhat quiet and shy but also weird and fun together…having the same goals and working in the same industry where we both understand/respect how busy we can be, and a whole bunch of other little things that allowed us to team up very well.

Already, my attraction to M was very high from the moment I saw her. Getting to know her then quickly made me feel more than just friend-like feelings for her. She also felt the same way. Half a year goes by and we are still seeing one another. She’s made it clear that she didn’t want a relationship. After some time, I begin to realize that it was me doing most of the work from reaching out to her, texting her, trying to make phone calls to her…etc, most the time it worked out fine because she would work with me and our plans would happen. I wouldn’t hear from her for days. It always bugged me that I had to be the one to come looking for her. Very rarely, she would come looking for me. She mentioned she never reaches out to anyone, that she just waits for things to come to her (obviously this bugs me). Maybe that’s what she’s used to, not surprised, she’s a very pretty innocent girl, talented, etc.

We would see each other maybe once a month due to our very busy work schedules, and she was still going to school at the time. Sometimes we would call each other on the phone, maybe once every week or two. We live about an hour and a half from each other..without traffic so that was also just a pain and made it difficult to deal with.

Even the talk about relationships and feelings is very sensitive with her. It almost pushes her away, it scares her. We continue forward as more than friends but not in a relationship. I guess exclusive you could say….as time goes by I start to realize that I like being chased in return too. I don’t like being the only one wanting to talk about feelings, or expressing my appreciation and love for someone else. Equality was all I’ve ever wanted.

Christmas comes and we exchange text messages of gratitude as she is back home with her family for the holidays. I stopped texting her after because I had said something sweet and it bothered me that she never replied to it. (not even a thank you, not even a message acknowledging that I was being sweet and caring for her, that I missed her etc.) I then stopped trying to talk to her. New Years Eve comes and we still haven’t talked until New Years Day. She tries to talk to me, and I kept blowing her off until she realized there was something wrong. I was direct with her and told her that it seems like she doesn’t really care. She proceeds with a very long text message explaining that she’s never been in love and that it’s something she will never feel. She was feeling depressed. She states that she can’t give herself truly to someone because she’s got a “voice” inside her mind that just doesn’t allow her to. Also, she acknowledges that I have always seemed to be wanting more with her and she’s always seemed hesitant. Long story short, she said she understands me not wanting to waste my time on her any longer if I wanted something that could really develop. She mentions she’s always wanted to know what making love with me feels like(we had not had sex yet). Of course I failed and gave back in. We proceeded with how things were.

During this time it is when I started to become very anxious. My mind constantly thinking, overthinking about things, thinking of what she’s doing, thinking of what shes thinking, trying to become closer and closer to her. I would soon be diagnosed with shingles (I was overworking myself during the holidays, very sleep deprived, very anxious, had a hard time sleeping at night..she would always be in my thoughts, i’d be happy one moment talking to her and the next I’d be disappointed when I wouldn’t hear from her)

She came back from her home state and we meet up to have a very deep conversation face to face. We sat down and she basically told me that she wished she had met me in five years because she think that with me our relationship would be the real deal. She could tell that I really wanted to be with her. Obviously this made me extremely happy to hear, I would keep pushing for this relationship only to fail.

Of course her communication and the expression of her feelings got better as time went by but for some reason I was never satisfied. I kept wanting more and more. If we were going to remain exclusive and not have a title as bf/gf, I at least wanted exactly what I was putting into our confusion relationship. Couple months go by and it is now April. I finally manned up to have this conversation with her about me not feeling like she’s fully trying. I made it clear that sometimes I couldn’t really tell that she was actually happy with where we were. I let it be clear that when people like each other they want to be together, that the timing never matters because the timing is never right anyways! I let her know that people communicate when they want to hear from one another or when they are thinking of each other, you tell them. The lack of these things made me feel unwanted, not cared for, and I guess unloved. I also told her that our relationship should feel easy, when it was always difficult finding a balance when we were separated which was 85% of the time due to our schedules. We called it off over the phone.

At the time, she was having her finals since she was getting ready to graduate, and then go out of the country for work. Meanwhile, everything we built, all the good times and memories, what was left of our confusing relationship was crumbling while she kept busy, and my mind becoming more negative and negative. I cried myself for a week, and she knew this. She never bothered to check in and see how I was doing. It hurt that she never checked in on me. It never got to suicidal thoughts, but I was always depressed. She was the only thing on my mind.

The entire time I had this fantasy of what it would be like to be together for real. To get married and to have kids together (just the way we discussed a few times). Everything was that of a movie or a love story with her. All the moments we shared in person were incredible, no matter where we went. She explained that she didn’t want to compromise with me because she doesn’t want a “conventional relationship”. She insisted that trying for her never works. I gave her two weeks of space for her to deal with her finals. She still felt the same, not wanting to go back to how things were.

I got very clingy toward the end. I was mentally unhealthy. Always sad. She was never able to just say “hey, let’s figure this out after my finals. we’ll get through it”.

She doesn’t deserve me. I did everything and I went all out for this girl! Brought her flowers a few times, surprised her with gifts, paid for our food everytime we went out. She never asked for anything. Always appreciated the little things when we were together, but it was when we were apart that we found ourselves in the hardest spots.

I now realize that my expectations out of relationships, and people in general are way high. I’ve been living in a fantasy world of what I thought love was…a perfect little thing. I do love her, and she’s changed me in many good ways. I now accept her for what she really is and not for what I see her to be, and still I seem to love her. Despite everything that has happened and all the pain that she has put me through, I continue to love her. I don’t know what to do because it hurts to know I will be just a friend to her now, and it also hurts to not have her in my life. For once in my life I am able to see myself with someone, despite her immaturity of relationships and compromising. I see her for all good within her, and I see all the potential of what she could be one day. I am stuck between my emotions and my mind. I know there are other beautiful women out there that will treat me better. But it took me 25 years to find this one, and she is the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. Yes, despite everything. I continue to love her, as I can’t seem to let go. I am becoming more aware and I know my self worth now, but do you think I can accept not being with her and still loving her as more than a friend? Or am I just living in denial, and not allowing myself to exit? We had no contact for a little over a month, and I can’t seem to let go of this beautiful soul that has touched my heart and mind for the better. Sorry for the long and messy story. There’s a lot more I could say, but I would never finish. Thanks for reading, any insight would be appreciated.