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love that smothers

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  • January 5, 2014 at 5:18 am #48406
    Jen
    Participant

    I have low self-esteem. I’ve been dating someone for 8 months and there have been “speed bumps” but for the most part we have had a pretty good relationship. About a month ago I started noticing him pulling back and of course, out of desperation I kept reaching and trying to figure out what was wrong. I feel lonely even when we are together. I know it’s my thinking and what is in my head, not necessarily what is in his heart. I have put too much pressure on him to fill the void inside. Now what? I don’t want to walk away. I need to give him space. I was hoping to find a blog or support somewhere else so that I’m not constantly leaning on him. I truly believe that if I give him space that he will continue to be an important part of my life. Why does it matter so much? Well, I’ve been here before. I know if I don’t resolve the issues I am having with anxiety about my worth and ways I handle relationships that it’s just gonna repeat itself. I just need strategies for letting go and letting the love flow around me and not trying to define myself by the attention he gives or doesn’t give.

    January 5, 2014 at 5:56 am #48408
    miranam
    Participant

    Hi Jen, Sorry to hear you are not happy in your relationship. It is difficult to give an advice here: it all depends. Maybe you are in the root if the issue, maybe him. In your post I read a lot of self-criticism. While sometimes it can be good and healthy, sometimes it is just destructive. Have you told him how you feel? Are you afraid of revealing yourself to him? 8 months doesn’t seem to be too short to “have right” to open up.
    If your attachment style is unsecure, there is nothing wrong about it. It is what it is. Maybe you just need your “minimum” which he is not able to give. Maybe you could identify, literally write down for yourself what you are looking for in a relationship (as detailed as possible). And then to see if this person is a good fit for you. Now if you see that your needs and expectations are unrealistic, then you might want to work on it.
    We should not feel ashamed for the way we feel. While there is always place for the self-growth and self-improvement, we don’t need to be someone or to pretend to be someone we are not. It never helped me in my life.

    January 5, 2014 at 5:35 pm #48439
    Mark
    Participant

    Jen, I have a guy friend who has an anxious attachment style (Google attachment styles for further explanation). He keeps getting into relationships but gets anxious about keeping it. He self destructs. This comes from his family-of-origin (doesn’t most everything?). I believe he cannot be in an intimate, romantic relationship until he addresses it through therapy or some other means that addresses this underlying anxiety issue.

    So for you feeling lonely even if you are with him, that you want him to fill a void, and that you have been in such a situation before all points to dealing with your issue. You are reaching out for strategies for letting go and not being so anxious. My take is that your issue is best addressed with a therapist rather using online advice. Good for you to recognize what is going on with yourself now and reaching out for help.

    Mark

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