Loved a woman couldn't come out of the closet and it almost ruined me.

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    I am 30 year old lesbian woman and proud of all my accomplishments in life, I’m a person who always finishes what I start and setting new goals for myself to keep myself busy. 4 years ago I re-connected with a woman ( I’ll call her Hart) and she knew of my sexual orientation, she had friends that were gay and lesbian. She talked about being with another woman all the time but said to me 5 years ago when we first started talking and told her I was a lesbian, she said ” Wow, I never would of thought that about you, I would be afraid what my family would think of me.” I told her my family accepts me and loves me, it’s no big deal. I assumed she was surprised because I am an attractive femme lesbian that doesn’t look butch. Anyway she left to pursue another job and then she returned almost a year later in my life and she pursued me hard. I was already dating someone else (female firefighter) but shared with her that the firefighter woman I was dating wasn’t loyal and that I am 100% loyal and seeking the same in a relationship, so it wasn’t going to work for me in the future with this woman. She gave me advice to leave the firefighter I was dating ect. Meanwhile I had noticed changes in Hart when she returned, she was pursuing me hard for 6 months, was actually communicating with me all the time so I finally gave in after 6 months.

    January 2011 began and I felt that Hart had proved herself that she had changed by communicating with me like never before, being affectionate and loving, going out of her way to talk to me at work ( we worked at a club ) very easy going place might I add. We began our love affair/relationship at work, we fell in love, we touched each other sexually at random times, I’d kiss her, we would hug a lot, talk a lot, smile at each other a lot. I’d give her one compliment like ” Hello my beautiful princess!” and she was over the moon, glowing, smiling, her attitude shifted rather quickly into a happy and bubbly woman when I was around. Our relationship was mostly at the club where it was hidden and safe from the public and her family. She had asked me twice to have a housewarming party for the new home I just re-located to and when I gave her an invitation and planned it like she had asked me to many times, she had an excuse and I knew she was lying bc I knew she wasn’t comfortable with her sexuality in the real world. I never said that to her but I knew her well to know her patterns/lame excuses. I was disappointed but I already knew why she didn’t want to come, she’s not comfortable with her sexuality and I wanted her to get comfortable with that in her own time. Anyway, things were great up until I added her sister in law who i used to work with on Facebook and her 1 of her sisters and she was okay with it at first and then changed her mind 4 days later saying: ” I’m not comfortable with you being friends with my family on Facebook, if you respect me like you say you do, you will un-friend them.” Keep in mind Hart has no Facebook page/profile, she’s mostly introverted with people but not with her family.

    I let it go but it put a dent into our relationship because she was hiding me from them. A month later june 2011 my dad committed suicide and my entire world changed. Hart lacked emotional support and she decided to up on move to Texas 2 months later, she didn’t even tell me anything no goodbye nothing. I had to find this out from co-workers that she moved to Texas to live with her brother. Nothing tore me apart more then her leaving without a goodbye and I was already suffering the loss of a parent. It was as if 2 people died within a matter of months, it was the most horrible emotional trauma I had ever been through. knowing where she was, I felt it was best to leave her alone to let herself find out what she wanted out of life, whether it was me or something/someone else. My mom said ” If you love her, let her go. ” and I did. After 1 year had past, I contacted her brother who was very nice to me but was angry at Hart bc I guess she had lived with him for 1 year and didn’t work the entire time. That all didn’t matter to me. I needed closure, I loved and respected myself enough to conquer my fears in contacting her to ask her what had happened and why she left without a goodbye. Since then 3 years have gone by and she’s just acted weird. She doesn’t like to communicate, she blames me for everything when all I’ve tried to do was save what we had for so many years that we built together. I know hiding her sexual identity isn’t healthy and yes I paid a heavy price for that but nobody has a right to play the victim here, we both chose to take this journey together and unfortunately she let fear over-rule than letting our LOVE conquer the fears. Hart and I had beautiful relationship, I lover her so very much and told that I would marry her one day when we were together, of course she smiled big and she just glowed.

    The past 3 years her and I have been in and out of contact, she’s moved many times to different states which I assume it’s her just trying to find herself and her identity eventually. Over the summer things didn’t end so well, I found out she was lying to her family about me and our relationship together. She told them that she barely knew me and made up a bunch of horrible lies about me. I guess that’s what a woman who’s in the closet does when she doesn’t want anyone to know her sexual orientation and is afraid to lose her entire family because of that, all this according to friends of mine who are psychologists. The lies just tore me apart but the only thing I could do was just disappear out of her life forever and wish her well. She’s embarrassed of me and herself. Lies & lack of communication on her part, is what ended our 4 year run. Her moving around so much with family members didn’t help things either but at the same time I travel the world for work anyway so it didn’t bother me but it appears she has no stability. Maybe one day she will come out of the closet and be happy and live the life she deserves and had always wanted. I will say that I love her very much and that I always will love her. I don’t know what the future holds as far as anything romantic, as I haven’t been with anyone else or loved anyone else like I did her, since 2011. I would still marry Hart in a second if things ever worked out.

    You know how funny life is, it’s full of all these crazy surprises so anything amazing can happen at any given time. I am a happy girl who stays busy and is always giving back to my community. I call it; Random acts of kindness.

    Here is my favorite quote and the quality of my actions I have lived by for the past 7 years – ” From my point of view all things originate with the mind. The quality of our actions depends on our motivation. A real appreciation of humanity, compassion, and love are crucial to this. Whether we work in science, agriculture, or politics, if we’re good hearted about it, our contribution will be positive.” Dalai Lama – 98.2K Likes on Facebook from this quote.

    Please note: My story written above has a lot more details and information that is just so much for all the years that have gone by, that I had to cut it rather short. Love to hear your stories & comments.



    This is a very touching story. Especially the part where you share that you would still marry Hart if she came around. It just goes to show that true love is unconditional. Its heartbreaking that she feels she can’t live her truth. But for whatever reason, its the path she has chosen and it must be respected. Everything she needs to learn in life will be a result of her choosing to take that path. I hope that one day she will come to a place of loving herself unconditionally. Until then, there’s nothing anyone in her life can do.

    I’ve recently experienced a somewhat similar situation. I am a heterosexual woman who recently started dating a man I met over a year ago after we ran into each other at an event. We spent that first evening together talking and laughing until 3am. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him, physically or otherwise. But the next day, he text me that he couldn’t stop thinking about me and that he’d wanted to explore more. We quickly began dating, he told me he loved me, and took back me home to meet his family. His family was wonderful and accepting of me. However when we returned to our home city, I sensed a shift. I could tell that he was slowly distancing himself. Now since we’d begun dating, I’d asked him several times if he were gay. When I first met him over a year ago I assumed he was gay. Each time I asked him, he said no. But I couldn’t help but notice he wouldn’t introduce me to any of his friends, who are all gay and lesbian. Not one. I found that to be very interesting. He has a gay male best friend and a lesbian best friend and I’ve never met either of them. I haven’t even had the opportunity to see their social media profiles, as he keeps his friend list private. Shortly after we returned from meeting his family, we broke things off. I couldn’t deal with him being distant and moody. And he couldn’t deal with me wondering whether the dating was ever going to lead to something more serious.

    However, shortly after we broke things off he began pursuing me again. Calling and texting more than he did when we were dating. We promised we’d remain friends if things didn’t work out romantically so I always respond when he reaches out. Turns out, the story he’s given his co-workers is that he and I are “taking things slowly”. And he recently asked me to take a vacation to Miami with him.

    One day he called and it was obvious he wanted to see me so I invited him over. We ended up drinking, talking, and eventually things got physical. Without going to far into detail, I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t get “excited” until I stimulated him in an area that is primarily focused upon by gay men. He immediately orgasmed (which he didn’t do very often before during intercourse) and I was at a loss for words. It was at that moment that I knew.

    I distanced myself even more, but in the coming weeks he continued to reach out. I finally worked up the nerve yesterday to ask him why he was so turned on by what I did. He blamed it on the alcohol. I also asked him, in a joking manner, when he plans to come out of the closet. He denied being gay, once again, and quickly changed the subject.

    Unfortunately, while we spoke, which was over Skype, I couldn’t help but fall in love with him all over again. I’ve never been as attracted to a man as I am attracted to him. And aside from thinking he may be homosexual, he’s everything I want in a man. I can’t believe that I even just said that. I sound like a textbook case. But I’m torn between maintaining a friendship with a man I have feelings for and can’t have and just cutting him off, which is something I have never done to any person.

    Any comments, stories, responses are welcome 🙂



    It seems you are happy with this relationship. As long as you accept that he may in fact be gay and might pursue that in the near future, then it’s something you are already prepared for. Just enjoy the moments you are having with him, that’s all you can do. Every second, every minute, every hour and every day is precious in our lives as we are not guaranteed to be here every day. All you can do is be happy in this moment, as it is a special gift. At least you and this man are honest with each other and don’t lie about each other but hiding his sexuality can cause problems later. That is the problem I had with Hart, everything was secrets & lies to the very point that she resented me for allowing herself to fall in love with me, if I never see Hart again, that is the pain she must carry in her heart for not allowing herself to pursue something that could have been great. It’s weird, when her and I are around each other she can’t help but to be herself and love me back, but when I’m away from her, she hates me. Things aren’t going to be settled between her and I until we sit down and talk about what went wrong in our relationship because what I had remembered, we had a very good relationship before she disappeared. Reverting back to your situation, I believe as long as you two are happy and enjoying the time you are spending with each other, being communicative and be honest is all that matters. If you believe he’s hiding his sexuality and it’s obvious to you, then it’s time to start taking a better look at the situation because there’s a chance someone is going to get deeply hurt here. I don’t know you and I don’t know him well to give you a direct answer but what I will tell you is that a woman’s intuition/gut feeling for the most part never lies.

    Talk soon.


    Hello Elle and Lavender. I couldn’t help but be reminded of my past romance reading your stories. I was with a man who grew apart from me. I kept fighting to make it work but he was slowly becoming noncommittal and reticent until we couldn’t cope. I learned when a person doesn’t fight for you, they don’t really want to be with you. Ultimately I find this is a good thing, even though it causes you grief the failed relationship teaches you valuable insights. As for them, they have probably grown closer to finding themselves through the ups and downs of your relationship, perhaps this was your gift to them.

    Now I may have misread but it sounds like you both are, in your own way, still waiting or settling for these individuals. This seems unwise to me, life is too short to wait for someone to grow to love you. If they have issues with commitment that equates to a lack of self knowledge. Someone who does not know themselves cannot know what they truly desire, which means they cannot give you what you seek. I say let them go, do not seek them out and add to their confusion by trying to romance them or encouraging their misguided advances. (A fickle person trying to actualize the self via intimacy is not unusual, but it’s often disparaging for the cognizant party involved.) Both of you ladies sound like loving, giving people, find or wait for a kindred spirit. When you meet someone who makes you feel utterly wanted and appreciated you’ll wonder why you ever put up with anything else. There are over 6 billion people on earth, rest assured the odds of meeting that special someone are good, and you deserve to be with them.

    Much love. 🙂


    Thank you for the love Kat but I have chosen to love her un-conditionally. If someone else is meant to be in my life then I will fall in love with someone else, if that’s where the universe guides me. People can judge me as they will but I am the one in control of my feelings. Best wishes Kat!!

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