Hi Sam,

I am in a VERY similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been together about a year in 4 months. I “kinda” told him I loved him a few months back? We were saying goodbye at the car and I was telling him how much he meant to me and what a wonderful Christmas I had with him and I could see him getting uncomfortable, knowing I was about to say the big words and because I saw him pull back, I decided not to say it.

I asked him about it shortly after and he was honest about it and said he tries to show me he cares deeply for me daily but is uncomfortable with saying the actual words because he grew up in a home where that was never said. He has also never told an ex girlfriend he loved them, even when he did he told me.

At this point, I know he does love me because he shows me by his actions (does things to make me laugh when I have a bad day, cleans up for me when I am tired, supports me in big decisions, is there for me when I need him the most…). If he decides to tell me one day, of course I will gladly accept it but for now, I chose to give him patience and understanding as well as learn acceptance that I may never hear it….but it does not mean that he doesn’t.

Think about what your lady DOES for you instead of what she SAYS to you. Think about how she looks at you, how she helps you be a better person, how much fun you have together. Have you done anything big together? (take a trip, move in together, have large family gatherings) If she is introducing you to her family/friends, is with you a lot of the time happily, smiles and laughs with you and does things to make you happy without thinking of herself, she may be in love but afraid to say the words in fear of possible rejection. Maybe dig into her past a bit too. If she is not willing to open up, ask her close friend or even family member. I grew close with my mans mother and one day I asked her subtly about my mans lack of verbal affection. She ended up telling me he has always been that way and he shows love/care by doing rather than showing. That alone helped me gain some perspective on why he is the way he is.

Don’t give up just yet is my advice. Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages? I would suggest taking the quiz as both you AND her. Take the quiz as yourself first to find out which love language you are. Then, take it again but AS her. Put yourself in her shoes and answer the same questions as if you were her – think and answer the way you think she would. Then, you can compare.  My top love language was of course, Words of Affirmation”. Guess what his last one was? Yup…words of affirmation. However, we both tied #2 with Quality Time. He was willing to take the quiz with me (because it was really a fun quiz to do when we were bored one day) but it helped bring clarity to how we each show love and affection.

Now a days, I look at more what my man does for me and focus on how I feel when I am with him, how happy he is when he is with me, I focus on things we do together that make each other happy. I realize he may never say the words, but I believe when someone shows it, it is more important.

The last piece of advice I have for you is to try and have an in depth conversation with your lady. We did this as well, which is when he told me how he feels about me in other ways (I deeply care for you, you make me happy, you are amazing, I am lucky to be with you) and we also got to talk about the future plan – we both want to move in, get married and have kids one day just not right at this point. Try and find out if you want the same future and are on the same path together. If you have that, then focus on your time together, her actions toward you and try to know that actions will always be more important than words.

I hope this all made sense and is helping to guide you.

– Linlin

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by LinLin.

Hi Sam,

I am sorry to hear she is not really putting in the effort you hope for. It sounds like deep down you already have your answer and know what to do. Being a female myself, if I am in love I will either say it or show it. If she is not doing either, then it’s likely she is not in love with you. Especially not having met any of your friends in 2 years? That is odd to me.

You seem like a genuinely good person. A very caring, romantic person. Don’t you want to share that with someone who gives the same to you?

Only you can make this final decision whether you want to wait it out longer or put a stop to all of this now. You say, ” I’m scared if I broach the topic she will leave me, she has been close to doing it before when she felt pressured so I steered it away”.

In order to be completely happy in a relationship, I believe both parties should be free to express their feelings no matter what. You should not be afraid to bring up topics that are bothering you. If she is threatening to leave you and you are scared to upset her, then you are just doing things for her but not yourself. I can understand that you love her, however she is showing you that she is not on the same page. 2 years into a relationship is more than enough time to decide where the futures goes. If she is not speaking of it, not showing it and threatening to leave if you talk about serious topics, does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

You also say, “Everyone is saying I deserve better but why can’t I see it?” – You cannot see it simply because as the cliche states, love is blind. You said you friends are warning you as well that this is not right for you. It is hard to picture life without the person you are in love with, it really is. I have been there myself and left several relationships before where I have been in love but deep down, I knew it had no future so I decided to leave. And as a result, I found myself in a better, more committed relationship.

I am not saying you should 100% leave right away, but look at the pro’s and con’s of your situation. Follow you gut. What does it tell you?