July 7, 2021 at 8:47 am #382543ReynanParticipant
I just registered after reading a similar story. Looks as though this is a really helpful community.
I’m currently feeling so ashamed, disappointed, lost, disgusted (the list goes on), with myself.
I currently live on a Christian Farm in Kent. It is a sort of retreat where you can apply to live to rebuild your life. To cut a long story short, around 2.5 years ago through my drink and cocaine use I lost a very well paid job, my girlfriend, the house I was living in – I basically hit absolute rock bottom and realised that I had to move away to find peace. It has been helping and I’ve certainly learnt alot about myself over these past 2.5 years.
However, this weekend I kidded myself into thinking that returning to my old hometown for the football and having “a couple of beers” would be ok. I ended up hitting it harder than I had ever done before and from around 7pm onwards I don’t remember A THING. I know it was around this time as England vs Ukraine hadn’t kicked off yet and I don’t remember the game at all. This was the reason I went back in the first place. Anyway, I was arrested on Saturday evening/Sunday early hours at around 1am. It wasn’t until when I was interviewed by police that I was told what I had done. I had assaulted my friend (one of my best, and even went to stamp on him), assaulted someone else, caused criminal damage and a public order. I was asked about these things and I had to be completely honest and say that I didn’t remember anything at all.
I know these things are wrong. I’m not justifying them at all through drinking. The thing I am finding the hardest right now is how I could do something like that, especially with all the work I have put in recently. I meditate, I pray, I’m not one to be violent. Yet this is what I have done. I now know that drinking is something I can NEVER go back to. I’m going to work the steps again and do what I can to make sure I stay away from alcohol. It has really made me question the type of person I am and it has got me so down 🙁
I guess this post is just me looking for support to make me realise that I’m not a bad person. Just tough you know…July 7, 2021 at 11:03 am #382559anitaParticipant
Imagine a future- you posting in 4 years from now something like this (similar in parts to what you shared in your thread): I’m currently devastated, I am in jail for killing a man. Four years ago, I was arrested for assaulting two people while being blackout drunk, and I promised myself to NEVER go back to alcohol. I worked the AA steps again, I meditated, I prayed, I did all that I could to stay away from alcohol, I got a girlfriend, I was doing well at work.. then, one evening, I thought that surely after 4 years of personal success, I could handle one beer in the middle of the afternoon. I was wrong…
Now, go back four years to Now: what a relief, isn’t it? You did not kill anyone, you are not in jail for years to come.. (sigh of relief).
Make sure that the above imaginary story (or any like it) is forever fictional. Make your life a good, inspiring true story!
anitaJuly 8, 2021 at 6:05 am #382643ReynanParticipant
That is really helpful and has opened my eyes to what could be if I was to continue.
I really appreciate your input.July 8, 2021 at 7:09 am #382645anitaParticipant
You are welcome, Reynan. Post again anytime you want to post, and I will be glad to reply to you again.
anitaJuly 19, 2021 at 11:37 am #383068RobParticipant
I am so happy you shared. I am currently going through the same thing. However, I seem to make this repeated mistake. I know alcohol is no good for me!!! I quit drinking, start taking care of myself, pick up healthy habits… then one day I think having one drink will be ok – and it is. So, a few weeks later – I do it again. Maybe this time, two drinks. I slowly start increasing the amount I drink over a course of weeks/months, until boom! I do something completely stupid, humiliating, and embarrassing. Things get so out of control. I drink to the point of blacking out and I don’t remember anything. It’s hard to have to be responsible and accountable for something you have done but have no account of. Everyone knows that’s not who you are but whatever they tell you, you have done; you did. ugh.
I really hope you’re doing better and I am glad nothing worse came of your night of drinking. I hope your friend has forgive you and you have forgiven yourself. Things will get better. Take it one minute at a time. Good luck!!!
Anita, I have read a few of your replies to people. I want to say thank you for showing so much compassion to others. I know for me it’s been helpful.