Hey Anita!

Yes very strange! This was the email he sent after. Sorry it is so long and take your time responding back.

Email

I just wanted to follow up on our conversation earlier. I know you prefer voice communication, but sometimes I really do think there’s merit in writing because of the ability to take more time and choose my words better, and also to take breaks if I’m feeling emotional. Also no pressure to respond to this immediately, take all the time you need.

I really, really wanted to first apologize because again, my original texts were very poor conveyors of what I meant to express to you. The core, direct message I wanted to express (and what I think I made clearer over the phone) was an ask about if you could use the proper grammar for words like you’re/your via text.

I know you brought up about me not using proper punctuation and capitalization, and I wanted to make it clear that you have every right to ask me to make a change like that if it makes you more comfortable. You can feel free to make asks of me just like I make asks of you, in all areas of the relationship.

Going into points where I think I really miscommunicated- starting with the education thing. Basically, I brought this up because I was using it as a proximal metric to ensure I wasn’t making an unreasonable request of you (if a person did not know the correct grammatical usage, it would be terribly unreasonable and privileged of me to expect them to use it in text communication). I was VERY doubtful you didn’t know the correct usage though– I was just reconfirming what I knew about you already, that you had a high level of formal schooling and should very likely know the rules of grammar (so your choice not to use it in texting would be just that, a choice). I think it comes down to the question, is it problematic to try to be unproblematic and not make that unreasonable request about grammar? I don’t think it is problematic to check myself before wrecking myself- but I also see how it could be viewed as an insinuation about educational background, which it was not intended to be. Rather it was me trying to not make an unreasonable demand in the RARE case that you did not know the grammar for some reason.

You brought up at the end of the conversation about how different aspects like culture, location etc, can affect someone’s speech and writing, and that is totally true. I brought up education status specifically because I felt it was the most appropriate metric of grammar education. Believe it or not, I was really trying to make it clear that I was like 99% sure you knew the rules of grammar, but I really wanted to cover my ass and not make a problematic ask that you couldn’t fulfill. That’s why in the original texts, I included “and the thing is I know you’re able to use them correctly you know?” because I was basically sure you knew the structures.

I kept bringing up my own privilege in education because, say you as an educated person were dating someone and they didn’t know how to use written grammar correctly. It would be really problematic and privileged of you to expect that person to be able to type with good grammar, and you’d never want to make that request of them right? So that’s why I kept bringing it up; in the very rare chance that for some reason a person didn’t know the grammar, I would want to make it clear that I am acknowledging my own privilege, because grammar education is ultimately a form of privilege that should be recognized.

Also just to clarify my usage of privilege, it is really being used in a social justice sense, i.e. in the same way as white privilege, male privilege, cisgender privilege etc. So I’m using it in the context of “this is an unearned benefit that I got not out of my own effort, but as a result of my circumstances” and thus it is something to be aware of as a mediating factor in social interactions. Basically I’m using privilege not in a positive sense at all, more as a recognition of how unequal access to various things colors our life experiences.

Additionally I just wanted to bring up race and racism; I really intended to just try to be unproblematic in a classist sense, so race was not on my mind at all when initiating this. However given that we’re in an interracial relationship, race does color our interactions so I understand how a discussion of class would be related to race also via intersectionality. I want you to always feel comfortable to bring up topics of race in our relationship and I want to be as cognizant and critical as possible of racial dynamics in our relationship.

Furthermore, I waited to bring this up in part because I knew it would likely be a tough topic and problematic to work through. I tried to look past it in text as long as possible but eventually I figured it was something I should bring up as we get closer together, to be more transparent about what made me feel uncomfortable.

Lastly, I wanted to reaffirm that I really and truly do appreciate you for who you are as a wholesome, kind, loving, generous, sensitive human being. You do so many kind things for me and I am consistently impressed by your good nature and generosity, and love our time together so much.

This ask about grammar was really just that- an ask, and I never intended to implicate some sort of statement about your educational status or intelligence. And even if you had said “no, I don’t really want to use the grammar in texting” I would have let it pass- not every ask is answerable.

So overall, I just wanted to one more time apologize for my mediocre phrasing for the first string of texts, which were mostly verbal vomit. But I hope this helps to explain myself more, basically all the discussion around education was about trying to be as unoffensive as possible even though it clearly backfired. So I hope you will forgive me.

I know you want to move past this, but I do feel strongly that we see each other eye-to-eye about our intentions in this dialogue before moving along; I think these kinds of conversations are so essential and necessary both to our relationship but also to our development as people with strong communication abilities. Take all the time you need to read this tome but yeah, sorry again for poor phrasing, and hope this makes my intention clearer.

Best,

Austin

So I forgive him, not for him but for me so I can move on. But I wanted to be sure I was not overthinking the situation and blew it out of proportion, ya know.

Thanks Anita for all your support thus far, I very much appreciate it!