This post is me venting and looking for advice 🙂 I am currently in therapy. Sorry for the following wall of text!

Both my dad and step dad have bad PTSD. I suspect my step dad has another anxiety disorder too but he won’t get professinal help (he also won’t get help for his military PTSD). My dad has had many diagnosis along with the PTSD- depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD, panic disorder, and a few more. The thing is though he’ll never actually tell me what his official diagnosis was even if I ask directly, and then passively say things after rambling about his stress some days, “do you think I’m bipolar or something?”. I’m not really sure how to respond to that considering he can’t answer my question abouts about what was his official diagnosis.

My step dad is less stress because my mom is helping him, but I see times where she’s outwardly telling him in front of everyone he’s acting high maintenance and that he needs to stop with his behavior, because he won’t get help. He’s also a bad alcoholic. Recently he came down with diabetes and his doctor said if you keep drinking you are going to kill yourself. Yet he’s constantly drinking still. So in a way this relationship still stresses me because my mom is my confidant, and she’s already over-stressed with work, so her relationship stress really takes a toll on her and I don’t feel like she is that calm person I can talk to anymore when I need to confide with someone. She’s usually too edgy to really get a good word in with. While I understand not to take her behavior personally, I miss being able to talk with my mom, she’s always been a good guide in my life when I’ve needed advice. I also worry something bad might happen to my mom in her marriage.

My dad has a lot of friends and constant networks of people he can talk to. But when he talks to me he makes up illnesses or exaggerates what health problems he is having. Or he projects on to me that I have problems and just hyperfocuses on them, acting like I’m the depressed one and that I need him. I think he does this because I practice compassionate detachment with him and set healthy boundaries because I can only be around him for so long before I need to get away and recenter myself. Keep in mind this is someone I know who is actually abusing social security disability and pretending he’s dumb so other people will help him, so he doesn’t have to do anything (I found this out and it disgusts me, I think he should be on disability because I think he’s compromised, but I know he played the system and gets more money per month than a lot of people with a good job). Lately he’s been asking me if I will be the person who watches over his finances and material goods in case something happens to him. I said no, because he’s been lying about a lot of his health problems in general, and I know he’s not as dumb as he plays himself out to be, he just doesn’t want to do these things himself, and I think it’s another tactic of his to get more attention from me. He’ll do anything he can to get me to do things like sleep over, or if I help him run errands he strategically tries to make a day out of it, even if I have things I need to take care of that day (and let him know).

As for me, I was diagnosed with high functioning autism and it’s weird because of all the people I’ve met on the spectrum, I feel as though I can’t relate to them. It’s like all of a sudden that’s all they want to talk about, and act like there’s only certain ways they can connect with others. It drives me crazy that’s all they want to talk about and when I try to relate to them they assume the worst towards something about my behavior and say oh yeah because we have Asperger’s blah blah blah and that’s never the case with me. I don’t really feel like I can connect with anyone on the spectrum. Even my boyfriend is on the spectrum and whenever I have a problem he tries to connect with me through the Asperger’s and I feel numb at that point like it’s being used in a way that defines me rather than addressing what I am talking about or what I am actually feeling. It’s hit a point I don’t feel like I can use him as a confidante, my emotions just numb up, because it always turns in to Asperger’s therapy rather than listening to what I’m trying to say. And with all of the other family stress, I just completely numb up and feel nothing. I have tried telling him “Please stop looking at me from an Asperger’s standpoint and please view me as a human being.” But I’ve found I have come to a point I never go to him for anything anymore, and feel like hiding my feelings from him.

Maybe I’m just very high functioning or am misdiagnosed. I don’t know. I just have a hard time relating to other people on the spectrum and don’t actively seek out others on the spectrum to connect with like a lot of the people on the spectrum I’ve been exposed to.

I’ve been trying therapy get encouraged to join meet up groups and stuff. The thing is, it doesn’t really help things, because it doesn’t actually change the problems and sometimes I feel so stressed I’d rather be alone anyways. I’ve gone through a lot of work trying to set healthy boundaries with my dad and he always smashes them. I feel numbed having to talk to my boyfriend and just want to remain silent.

I’ve talked with people about cutting ties with my dad and it always ends in “He’s family, you shouldn’t cut him out entirely” but I can’t really handle him because he expects too much from me, smashes my boundaries, and compassionate detachment doesn’t really work with him. I’ve thought about breaking up with my boyfriend too. He’s bad at starting conversations and if for some reason I’m not talking to him because he struggles with starting conversations, that something’s wrong on my end because I’m not the one talking. It gets so very old, and it’s perfectly okay to not always be talking. I told him in the beginning I’m not huge on using the phone and I’m a quiet person, and there have been times he’s passive-aggressively implied he wants to talk more like I’m a problem, and I will say “Can you accept me for who I am?”. I am an introvert too so I need time alone to recharge and I think I’m more of a listener than a talker anyways. I can initiate conversations if I want to though and don’t really struggle with it, I just don’t like having to be the person always initiating conversations. I have to do this with my dad too, otherwise he just whines about his problems 24/7.

I noticed if I miss a day of yoga my body tenses up and the numb feelings come back. I used to be involved in a Buddhist chanting group but I left and am looking for my own meditations. I am a certified Reiki Master in real life and I’ve found that chanting to some sort of object of focus helps me center my energies quickest for meditation and channeling Reiki energy. I prefer chanting meditations over breathing because I feel my meridians start to vibrate and release energy at a certain point, and it usually happens faster over breathing for me. I was wondering if anyone here could suggest a good altar or chanting technique I could try because the Buddhist group I was in wasn’t really doing it for me. It was more focused as a religious thing rather than a spiritual practice, and I like to remain private with my practices. I really need to start finding some way of finding peace in myself and keep my body from tensing up so I can do Reiki easier.

Ultimately though I’m torn with my boyfriend because I show him compassion and understanding and he feels understood, but I feel misunderstood and that he doesn’t really “hear” me or understands me on a superficial level because he’s always comparing what I want to talk about to Asperger’s. Some days we really get along but I’m not sure if I look a few years ahead, if I see a bright future or not. I’d really need to meditate on it. I got some good advice once and was asked “Will this matter in a year or two?”. So that’s how I look at a lot of problems these days.

And my dad, when I look ahead a few years, I want to see him doing well because he’s my dad, but right now he’s too much for me to handle.

For those of you who read my wall of text, thank you so much! It really means a lot to me! And I know that was a lot to take in.