Home→Forums→Relationships→Mentally ill parents
- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 8 months ago by
wilson.
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August 19, 2014 at 10:35 pm #63686
wilsonParticipantMy mother is a deeply damaged person with the emotional capacity of someone roughly 13-16 years old. Because of this, she has been unable to provide for me and my siblings in most of the ways that would be considered basics for a parent–everything from making sure we had a home to live in to only allowing safe men around her daughters.
I’m an adult now, but can’t seem to let go of my anger at not being kept safe and secure as a child. This anger makes me be unkind toward her. I don’t respect her and I’m pretty disgusted not only by the lack of care but also by her total refusal to acknowledge it. And then after I lash out at her I feel like a horrible person because, of course, she can’t do any better. She is mentally ill. She’s had people be horrible to her all her life.
How can I separate out my need for justice from my desire to be a kind person?
August 20, 2014 at 12:09 am #63689
Jane KearneyParticipantThis is toxic for you to harbor these feelings and could eventually impact your own health and well being. You know why she behaved in the manner that she did, so no mystery there. If you do not need to interact with her on a regular bases, then don’t. How can a sick person acknowledge what they do not see? What form of justice are you looking for? If you could have justice today, would that change what has already happened in the past? You need to heal yourself at this point. You are on the right track being a part of this web page, which appears to have many tools that can help you get to a better place within yourself. We all have had our crosses to bear in life and I can assure you that there are people out there with far worse stories than yours that have risen above their past. Write or journal what you are angry about, poor I all out. Then have yourself a little ceremony and say that from this moment on this is in the past and is no longer a part of my present or future, then burn it (safely please). Write down each day what made your happy, what you are thankful for and give thanks to your higher power. I always wrote letters to what I called the Karmic Board (God, Jesus, Budda etc.) telling them what I was thankful for and what they could help me with. Odd as this is going to sound, over the years I got that help that I asked for. My temperament could still stand improvement, but gone is my deep seated resentment of my childhood that I never really got to have. Please stay strong and work on this. You don’t want to fall down the rabbit hole.
MissJane
August 20, 2014 at 6:51 am #63699wilsonParticipantThank you MissJane. Much of what you say helps. But here’s the part that I get hung up on: this is not a case of letting go of the past. If that were the case, this would be easy.
My mother is still living, and I continue to have interactions with her in which she says and does hurtful things. There has not been a single family event that didn’t involve a toxic incident that leaves me angry and her crying.
It seems that I have to choose between cutting off my relationship with her or just accepting the awful things she continues to do and say.
August 20, 2014 at 7:34 am #63701
KellyParticipantwilson, I feel for you and can relate. My mother is abusive as well. I read this article the other day that you may find meaningful. There is an exercise within to write a letter of forgiveness. This doesn’t make the things your mother does and says “ok”, but it may help you to find some peace.
My best to you.
August 20, 2014 at 8:00 am #63703wilsonParticipantThank you for the advise and the link
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