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Mixed-messages post-breakup

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #310535

    Cris
    Participant

    Me and my ex had a long-distance relationship (but we see each other every 6 months for the last 2 years) but my family does not approve of him because of his family background and financial status. I discovered he has a lot of bad debts but he said he’s sorting it out so we continued the relationship. At the time, I helped him pay off some of his debts when he came to me. However, it has caused me so much stress and made me question his motives. A week before our break up, I asked him if he can give back some of my money just to test if is not using me. He said he would find a way as soon as he can. After that conversation, he seemed distant. I sensed a mixture of shame and resentment from him.

    In the days that followed, he no longer initiated any conversation with me so I confronted him about it via phone. He said he doesn’t have the time but then he was just with his church friends playing bowling off some alley. I told him we need to talk and there I told him flat out that I think we have a problem and that his financial situation is causing me so much stress. I said despite it, I’m willing to work it out but I can’t be the only one pulling the weight. He said he’s not in the mood and feels that I am controlling him because his friends are still teasing him about that 1 time when I asked him not to go out because he needs to pay a huge debt. I was aghast because it felt shallow to me. He suggested we break up for the time being. I asked him to give me at least a deeper reason. In my emotional state, I flatly asked him out if my family was right about him. If he was just using me for money. He did not respond for a few hours and I relentlessly urged him to answer my question. He finally gave in when I said I want to break up too. In the final minutes, he seemed resentful when he told me he may have no money but he will not use anyone to sort out his debts. He also said I need not to worry about my money because he will definitely return the same. I told him we should do the break up civilly and he need not to be pressured to pay me anytime soon. I also told him we can stay friends, just to annoy him. He agreed then said that if we’re meant for each other, we will find each other in the end. I was so annoyed but I let it go after that.

    A few hours later his mother messaged me and asked me about the break up. I declined to give details and told her it is probably for the best. His mom asked if we can work it out and said that her son plans to talk to me in private one-on-one when they both come home.

    12 days later, he messaged me asking for my help. Apparently, a troll went behind his back and sent private messages to his colleagues and churchmates (including me) about a huge debt that he owed. He said he does not have that much debt but the troll was blackmailing him and calling him names (he showed me screenshots). Annoyed, I told him that he is the only one who can say that. He then told me, “I knew you won’t believe me. You really deserve someone better. Thanks for the help.” Out of conscience, I helped him.

    After that, I went back to ignoring him but then one day he just sent some random text asking me about something that he could conveniently get the answer from Google. He has been hovering over my social media posts too and asking me for advice whether or not to retain his considering what had happened and thanked me over and over. I also saw in my Netflix account and he still logging on to it rewatching our favorite shows. I don’t get what his deal is. Does he want to get back together or he’s just going through a phase?

    #310557

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cris:

    “Does he want to get back together or he’s just going through a phase?”-

    – maybe he is trying to get back together with (more of) your money and he is going through the phase of making you think he has romantic feelings for you before he goes through the next phase which may be to ask you for more money.

    Do you think this may be what is happening?

    anita

    #310765

    Cris
    Participant

    To be fair, he did give me things. I only knew about his debts barely recently. Before then, he never asked me for anything until he came clean about all his debts.

     

     

    #310789

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cris:

    I would say make sure that neither one of you takes unfair financial advantage of the other, be careful about loaning money to people who are financially irresponsible (incurring unnecessary debts, spending money on entertainment, let’s say, instead of paying back their debts, etc.)

    Regarding the mixed messages you believe that you are getting from him post breakup- why not ask him, clearly and directly, to explain to you these messages?

    anita

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