Dear Moo:

Your husband left you and your two children for another woman. Your daughter was then 13, now 28. She told you that she is stuck in life because her father left the family 15 years ago. During her struggles, at different times, you paid her bills, sent her packages and gift cards, pushed her to apply for jobs, hired a life coach for her .. but all that you did, failed to get her un-stuck, and caused you fear and anxiety.

Most recently, your daughter, unemployed for 1.5 years and living in another state,  told you that she wants to leave her long time boyfriend and “get her life in order. Either go back to school, move away, etc.”. She has the habit of telling you what you want to hear, but “never follows through”.

Here is what I suggest: remove your daughter from your focus and direct your focus at yourself. Your health and emotional well-being are not less important than hers; you are not a less important or valuable person than your daughter. Focusing on her did not help her and it hurt you. Focusing on you and helping yourself is therefore your only healthy option.

Imagine the following: you are in a big, dark room. On one side of the room there is your daughter. On another side of the room, there is you. You are holding a big flashlight and you are directing its light at your daughter. Within that light, she behaves in certain ways, for example, telling you things so to please you but not following through.

Turn the flashlight around and direct the light at your side of the room, so you can see where you are and what you need to do to make your life better, and then proceed to do that. On the other side of the room, your daughter will have to look  for a new source of light because your flashlight is no longer directed at her. A new source of light is just what she needs to find her way out of what keeps her stuck.

Practically it means that you don’t pay her bills, you don’t take her and her dog back home, you don’t help her figure out what she wants to study at school, you don’t help her apply to schools, you don’t look for an apartment for her.. you do none of these things. Let her know that you will not be doing any of these things, just in case she moves out assuming you will be doing these things for her. Also, don’t give her your input about what you think she should do so that she does not proceed to tell you what you want to hear and then never follow through.

What do you think/ feel about my input?

anita

You are welcome, Moo. Post again anytime.

anita

This post has come at the perfect time for me. My daughter has suffered from depression since a teenager. She has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I don’t know how to support her. Over the years I have tried my best to support her but I don’t think I’ve enabled her just tried to support her emotionally.

The part of your post that I could relate to was the bit about your daughter agreeing to your advice/guidance then not following through. That is exactly what my daughter is like.

I have now decided to take a step back and not give advice/guidance. She is now under the care of a psychiatrist so I am leaving her in the hands of the professionals.

It is reassuring to read another’s experience of trying to help someone when they have a mental health problem. It is so difficult. As I have had my own struggles in the past and also have a chronic health condition, I have realised that the best approach is for me to concentrate on my own well being first.