I recently introduced my wonderful partner of 7 months to my parents. Prior to meeting him, my mum wasn’t interested in finding out his name,  and only cared about his job, income, whether he had been married before. Rather than being happy to see the happy photo I showed her of us, she commented that he was “so dark” (he’s Latino, I’m Asian). The following week she said to me that my uncle can introduce me to a man who works as a lawyer, if I wanted. I told my mum, if she keeps talking to me like this when she knows I have a partner, I don’t want to speak to her anymore. She told me not to be upset and that she wouldn’t disapprove of my partner.

Today, she called me, in exasperation, telling me that presents shouldn’t be given if they have been used. I was very confused. Turns out, the expensive branded chocolate my partner got my mom for her birthday was only half filled, due to a mistake by the store assistant. However, I felt so upset and hurt by her first assumption and panic that I had chosen to be with a man who would give her half eaten, beautifully packaged chocolate as her birthday gift. She jumped to worst conclusions.

I’ve had a rocky relationship with my mum since childhood (which is too long to go into here), our relationship has gotten better in the last years, however, since dating a “darker” skinned man, it’s brought out sides of her which hurt me so deeply. She apologised but keeps holding her prejudices.

I haven’t told my partner because I don’t want to create a wedge between him and my family. We have a family dinner this weekend to celebrate my grandmas birthday, but I’m torn between deciding whether to go or not. I know my grandma can be racist and always comments when someone’s skin is “so black” or tanned – or looks “dirty”. I’m so disappointed when I hear and see this ignorant behaviour, especially hurtful because it’s my family and I value family and being there for family. I don’t want to go out of fear of this happening; I don’t want my partner to know because I fear hurtling him or making him feel uncomfortable around my family, but holding it all in to myself affects my mental health too. I don’t like hiding this from my partner either. I’m getting sick of protecting my family, of trying to keep the peace but I feel it’s the best thing to do. I don’t know what is the best way forward…