Money problems. Seems like no end in sight.

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This topic has 27 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 15, 2016 at 9:06 pm #107414
J
Participant
This is pretty long. Since I graduated from college in 2013, I’ve been having a bit of a tough time with trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. After I graduated, I worked as a substitute teacher and realized that I kind of liked it, so I enrolled in an alternative certification program for teaching (my degree wasn’t in teaching). So from October 2014 to August 2015, I worked at a retail store while I was enrolled in the teaching program and looking for a teaching job. So fast forward to August 2015, I landed a teaching job and was going to work there for a year and become certified, but that didn’t work out the way I had hoped. The job was so stressful, that I was having panic attacks and eventually resigned.
I quit the job in October and started seeing a therapist. My therapist told me not to start looking for a job until December. I was so worried about finding a job, that my stress just wasn’t letting up (I still have to pay $450 a month for the alt cert program). I was feeling hopeless and then it seemed like Murphy’s law became my life. On top of me not having a job, in February, my bank account had overdrafted due to my account being hacked and my info being stolen. My mom loaned me some money and that was enough to pay for the $450 for March and April. I was able to pay in May, due to a tax refund. I also got a job at Sears, so I have a little income, but I have so much stuff to pay for. I have to pay $450 this month, and I don’t know how I’m going to pay it all. I have to pay $191 to my doctor, I have to pay $217 for health insurance (I’m 26 so I can’t be on my parents’ insurance anymore), I also have to pay $195 (which was $333 a couple months ago) to HSN (yes the home shopping network). I bought a couple of items on HSN back in December and I set it up to where I pay a little each month, but since I couldn’t pay in February, the payments just got backed up and I couldn’t start paying until I got a new card.
I just feel like this will never end. I’m 26 and I just feel like a big failure, and I’m not happy. I just feel like I don’t really know myself. I feel like my mom wants me to be like her, and my dad always makes comments like “are you going to be working at Sears for the rest of your life?” Like, wtf?! And my mom constantly reminds me that I can’t keep relying on her for money. It’s not like I want to ask my parents for money, it’s just so hard when you’re making $7.25/hr and only work about 8 hours a week. I really want to travel and teach abroad, but that only seems like a pipe dream right now. I feel like I’ll never be able to have peace of mind. It also doesn’t help that I still live with my parents. I just feel like a big failure.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by J. Reason: More details
June 16, 2016 at 5:41 am #107423

Anonymous
Guest

Dear warhawk13:

Can you go back to substitute teaching for a while, since you liked it before and since it pays significantly more (?) than Sears?

Many teaching jobs are incredibly stressful and you are one of many understandably quitting the classroom war zone. Maybe you can apply to a teaching job in a very low grade with less behavior problems? Maybe a private school with a strong discipline policy? Again so that you can earn more money for now?

And here is a crazy idea: wonder if you can file bankruptcy, then gather some cash, leave home/ your parents, with that degree and teaching certificate and go to another state/ country, start a new life?

anita

June 16, 2016 at 6:23 am #107427

Brie
Participant

@warhawk13

The job was so stressful, that I was having panic attacks and eventually resigned.

Too many things to do = stress. So could: too many thoughts = stress. Let’s find the specifics:

1) What stressed you at this job?
2) What triggered the panic attacks?
3) What solutions have you tried?

I just feel like this will never end.

Not having a job, not knowing what’s going to happen, when the problems will end = uncertainty. So let’s work on clarity:

4) Shelter food water, what’s the number for you to get these three items?
5) How many places have you applied to?
6) What different potential jobs have you explored?
7) What is your method for getting a job?

I really want to travel and teach abroad

8) Where do you want to teach abroad?
9) What do you have to do to get this outcome?

June 30, 2016 at 1:00 pm #108617

J
Participant

Anita. Sorry for the late reply. I didn’t really like substitute teaching all that much. I wasn’t really getting enough assignments. I was teaching one of the lowest grades there is; kindergarten. It was stressful and anxiety inducing, but I didn’t particularly hate the teaching aspect, if that makes any sense. I don’t really know about filing bankruptcy. I just feel like I’ll never be able to live my own life and find my own way. I just feel like my mom wants me to be like her. I’m in a job I hate, I keep looking for a better paying job, with no luck. I just don’t know what to do. It’s just hard when you don’t even make enough money to save.

June 30, 2016 at 3:25 pm #108624

Anonymous
Guest

Dear J:

Are you still seeing the therapist you mentioned (that would cost money, I understand)- but maybe there is a sliding scale or even free therapy you can attend? You suffer from anxiety and that is in your way of … finding a way out.

You mentioned your mother twice, wanting you to be like her. I wonder what you mean by it, how is she like? And how long has she been disapproving of you not being like her?

anita

July 2, 2016 at 8:59 pm #108751

J
Participant

It’s a little hard to physically see my therapist. My work schedule is a bit unpredictable and you have to make an appointment with her at least two weeks in advanced, so it’s kind of hard, but I do email her from time to time. I don’t know about free therapy in my area, but I could look into it. It’s not so much that she wants me to be like her. She’s never explicitly stated that she wants me to be like her. My doctor noted that my mom is very type A and I’m not. It’s just that I’m 26 and even though I’ve graduated from college, I just feel like there’s so many things that I want to do while I’m still young. But I feel like my mom wants me to settle down right now. I’ve never even lived away from my parents for more than two months.
At my age, my mom was working full time as a nurse and taking care of my grandmother. She keeps talking about getting a particular type of job or going back to school or something, but as I previously stated, I really want to travel and teach abroad. That’s something that I really want to do, and it’s not some spur of the moment decision, I’ve been looking into this for a few years. But I’m an only child and as much as I want to leave my comfort zone, I’m afraid. I’m not only afraid of what might happen to me, but I’m also afraid of something happening to my mom. I know my mom annoys me and gets on my nerves and stresses me out a bit (what mom doesn’t), but I love my mom and I want to be able to share all of my experiences with her while she is still in good health. And being an only child doesn’t help. I know that my living with my parents or me not living with my parents doesn’t have that much effect on something happening. I just don’t want to go off somewhere and then find out that something bad happened to my mom or her find out that something bad happened to me.
It’s not that she would disapprove of me not being like her, but I just want her to understand that I have to make my own decisions about my life and that I have my own goals and dreams and things that I want to do etc.

July 3, 2016 at 8:47 am #108768

Anonymous
Guest

Dear J:

You wrote: “I’m an only child and as much as I want to leave my comfort zone, I’m afraid. I’m not only afraid of what might happen to me, but I’m also afraid of something happening to my mom.”

About your “comfort zone” you are afraid to leave: notice it is not that comfortable and it is the discomfort of this “comfort zone” that lead you to starting this thread about “.. problems…no end in sight”- doing a job you don’t enjoy, not doing what you would enjoy (traveling and teaching abroad).

What keeps you at home, living in this uncomfortable zone, mostly, is fear- fear that something bad will happen if you leave. Bad things are happening- your misery is a bad thing- but you are afraid that something worse will happen if you leave.

It is this fear that needs to be confronted and dealt with. And your dreams and hopes that you have- your mother doesn’t value your dreams and goals, so I suppose you are still waiting for her to value your dreams and goals before you pursue them. Waiting for her to value who you are: what you think and feel, before you make your life your own. Is that correct?

anita

July 3, 2016 at 9:15 am #108774

annonymous
Participant

Hey,

Stay positive : ) I’m sure you have a beautiful smile and you sound level headed to me. Don’t stress the living with your parents thing, lots of people do it, for different reasons. It doesn’t mean your poor or not financially stable, I am a music journalist ( I’m upper middle class) and I interviewed Tinashe once ,I toured with her actually – nice girl, she is an R&B sensation, and she lives with her parents. You would think a woman of her caliber wouldn’t, but she said that she does because she travels so much, there is no need for a house.I can sympathize- as I travel a lot too for work, I think at the time she was touring and opened for Nicki Minaj, and I was with her entourage, so I was touring with them too, I had to take an extended leave from work, because I work as a teacher too, but it was a once and a lifetime opportunity. She was preparing to open for Iggy Azalea, but Iggy canceled her tour. Here’s the link, to help you know that you aren’t alone. Most ambitious people do that. Especially if you want to teach abroad, those are lofty ambitions. Chase your dreams.Here’s the link.

Tinashe

http://abcnewsradioonline.com/music-news/2014/7/21/tinashe-still-lives-at-home-with-her-parents.html

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West also lived with Kris Jenner for a while ( her mom), and both are millionaires.Here’s the link

http://www.eonline.com/news/691083/kim-kardashian-kanye-west-north-west-move-back-in-with-kris-jenner-find-out-why

I hope this helps you feel better. As you aren’t alone. I can sympathize too. : ) Chase your dreams and have a blessed Sunday! : )

July 7, 2016 at 11:56 am #109089

J
Participant

Anita, I actually talked to my therapist about me wanting to get out of my comfort zone even though my comfort zone is not so comfortable. Fear is keeping me here. I even told my therapist that I wanted to travel and teach English abroad, but she said that making such a big jump probably wouldn’t be a good idea, so now I don’t know if that’s a good idea anymore. It’s not so much that my mom doesn’t value my dreams and goals. She doesn’t even know that I want to teach abroad. I’m too afraid to tell her that I want to teach abroad.

July 7, 2016 at 12:59 pm #109091

Anonymous
Guest

Dear J:

You are afraid to tell her about your dream to teach abroad because she rejected previous dreams that you had. You may be afraid that she will take this dream away from you like she took the others before it. And then there will be nothing to look forward to…?

Too bad your therapist responded the way she did to your dream…

Do share: why are you afraid something bad will happen to your mother if you are not living physically close to her?

anita

July 8, 2016 at 12:30 pm #109167

J
Participant

Anita, I think that may be part of it. When I was in high-school, I was in the marching band. When I was getting ready to graduate and thinking about colleges, I had said that I wanted to move and go to school in California and quit band. But my mom said “you’ve spent too much time and money to not get a band scholarship, you’re going to be in band”, she didn’t exactly say it like the idea of me quitting band forever. Then, when I was in college, I thought that I wanted to go to law school ( I think this is where my quarter life crisis started). But as I went through college, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do, but I just stayed in my major because I thought that my mom would’ve been upset. She didn’t tell me that she wouldn’t be upset until my 3rd year of college, go figure. So I think it’s just that when I say I want to do something and tell her, she’ll suggest something else that might be better. So I just figure mother knows best. So that’s why I’m afraid to tell her. I also don’t really want anyone else to know that I want to travel and teach abroad. I just don’t want to deal with the anxiety of nosy people.

My therapist said that it might not be a good idea to suddenly move to another country, because of my anxiety and since I’ve never been away from home for a long period of time. She even suggested that I reach out to this girl on YouTube about her experiences abroad and ask for advice. The girl even said that maybe traveling would help my anxiety since I wouldn’t be under so much pressure. I don’t really know why I’m afraid. I know that my being home or away from home won’t have any affect on anything, but I think it goes with me being an only child. I worry about something happening to her, and her suddenly not being here and I’m far away, but I also worry about something happening to me (to be more specific; a plane crash). Although, my therapist and I went through an exercise a few months ago about this. She went through a series of questions about me being out with friends or by myself. She asked if anything bad had happened to me. I said no and that if something happened, I could probably figure it out.

July 8, 2016 at 12:52 pm #109169

J
Participant

Brie, I deeply apologize for the late reply.
1). It was because I was new and I was trying to find my way. I didn’t really know anything. The principal and the other teachers in my grade were very helpful, but I think I just go overloaded with information. I was trying to figure out who I was as a teacher. Also, my classroom management skills were crap and I was constantly worried about my students being in line and actually being able to teach anything. It just seemed like everything I was doing was wrong. And I was always getting flack from other teachers, parents and the principal just about every day.
2). The panic attacks happened when I was facing termination. My principal would talk to me either every day or every other day and it would always be about something that I wasn’t doing or something that a parent told her. Also, I kept hearing that “the 1st grade teachers are going to think you’re students are slow and misbehaved” “I don’t have problems from the other teachers’ students”. I was also accused of hitting children. It seemed like every time I talked to my principal, I would start crying.
3). You mean a solution to the stress and anxiety?
4). I don’t really have a problem with about my needs being met. I still live with my parents.
5). I’m working a retail job, but I’ve been applying to mostly administrative jobs or something that I don’t think would trigger my anxiety.
6). The same as number 5 as well as the whole teaching abroad thing
7). Do you mean getting a job or a new job. I work at Sears now, but I’m trying to find a better job.
8). I’ve mainly been looking South Korea
9). I’ve actually been applying to some jobs abroad and getting my paperwork in order.

July 8, 2016 at 1:33 pm #109174

Anonymous
Guest

Dear J:

I was very anxious, very distressed as a child and teenager. I wasn’t the … independent type and yet, at 24 I left the country I was born in and traveled by myself in London and from there in San Francisco and onward in the U.S. I didn’t know anyone in London or in the U.S. It was so easy. The thing is, I was anxious living with my mother, afraid every day, often depressed. You’d think I’d be too afraid to travel the world by myself?

Oh, no! Everything was easier once I was away from my mother.

I found out the scariest thing for me was to live with her… and for her. I was trapped and it was a miserable experience. Being on my own, even without a plan or anyone was a breath of fresh air.

It was always the guilt, the heavy guilt I felt about my mother, believing (falsely, so it turned out to be!) that she couldn’t live without me. It was an excruciating prison I was in. Nothing was more difficult in my life than being in that prison and so far everything has been easier living away from her.

So I am thinking it is possible that your therapist is wrong, that your anxiety, like mine, has to do with living with your mother, and that maybe in your case too, living away from her would be like a bird finally spreading her wings and flying in an open sky of possibilities.

Of course, there were clouds in my “sky of possibilities”- the guilt and distorted thinking/ being blind to reality filled my sky with fog. There is more to my story, but I will stop here. Wondering if you can relate to some of it…?

anita

July 8, 2016 at 11:41 pm #109204

J
Participant

Anita, first of all this story is quite inspiring!! Your story does sound similar. I didn’t really have anxiety growing up. I didn’t even have anxiety when I was in college, which is weird since college was a very stressful time. But I think that was because I wasn’t seeing my mom all the time. She was still working when I was in school. But when I graduate in 2013, she retired and stopped working. But even when I was kind of stuck in limbo for a year after graduating I still didn’t have anxiety. But it may be that these feelings have been building up for a while and with the stress of finding health insurance and a good job while still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life just made it worse.
I think my therapist said what she said because she doesn’t want me to have another panic attack with teaching and not have any way to deal with it, especially if I’m far away from home. I see where she’d be coming from in that case, but on the other hand, if I lived in another city that was close by, I’d still have to find a way to deal with the anxiety. But I do honestly think that leaving and living on my own for a while would help. I wouldn’t have a million people to answer to and I wouldn’t have to worry about making anyone happy (except myself). The panic attacks also happened because every Sunday people at my church would ask me about how the teaching was going. I would just smile and say “okay” when I was miserable. It was bad enough that I couldn’t catch a break from my principal and coworkers. I’d also have to come home to an overprotective, nosy mom asking me about my miserable day (I know she was just worried about me), and having people at my church constantly asking me questions and giving me advice didn’t help the situation either.

July 9, 2016 at 8:13 am #109229

Anonymous
Guest

Dear J:

About those “overprotective mothers”- who is to protect you from your “overprotective mother”?

If she asks you questions at the end of the day that bother you, that distress you, then asking those questions are not protecting you from anything. Instead these questions are adding to your anxiety and distress. So what is happening in reality is that your mother is making you sick but will be there to help you if you get too sick.

Better get away from her overprotection which is making you sick. Same with the church people- if church is supposed to help you, well… it isn’t.

Your life will be easier, way easier, if you don’t have to carry the burden you are carrying. It is easier to move around without the extra weight.

anita
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