January 4, 2014 at 2:21 pm #48381ClareParticipant
It took me a long while to realize, something wasn’t wrong with me. And then after a long walk down a street in which i’d taken a wrong turn, it took me a long while to realize something wasn’t wrong with the world. And then a few more long whiles to realize nothing is wrong with the relationships I am in, nothing is wrong with the people I choose to live my life alongside, in fact nothing is really wrong at all.
It is fundamental for us all to realize, nothing is right or wrong, good or bad. Tricky concept, huh? Not because it’s awfully involved, but because it’s something we almost refuse to recognize. I myself was afraid to admit my own discovery of this (not that i’d be the first, or the last) as, shamefully, I knew I was able to use the idea of what would be good for me, to get what I wanted. This lead me to neglect what I needed, and so began a vicious, unrelenting, and depression cycle. In which only a few weeks of eating very little, and a few months of “conscious eating” lead me into a state of so called “heavy anorexia”, from which I still recover. This in turn lead me to depression, or so I thought. For though it seemed one label “lead” me to the next, the truth is I chose this for myself. When this first occurred to me I was outraged at myself, “Don’t be so silly, as if you’d choose this pain, you know how much you suffer. Of course it’s everyone and everything else bad that makes you feel this way, it’s THEIR fault.”
But after a long while the pattern uncovered itself. The more I thought that way, the worse it got. The more I wanted, the more it hurt. And i’ll have you know that only this morning have I begun to truly accept this and so I do not pretend to be an expert or authority on the following matters, however they insisted to be shared:
*We need to “man up” and accept what we have been refusing to accept; the truth, whether it be too painful, shameful, or anything of the like.
*Ask yourself questions, instead of questioning yourself. Through this we may find what we NEED. Asses your wants and need, write a list of the two. You will probably notice some of your needs and wants align, but some will be mutually exclusive. Shred the list of wants, focus on your needs. Remember though, your needs aren’t just the necessities to live, they do include things that will nurture your soul.
*You must give and receive equally with all; keep balance. If you notice that you give more than you receive, or vise versa, take small steps, take as long as you need, to restore balance.
*Inspiration not only comes from within, but from without. Accept the help you need, not the help you want or don’t want.
*Let flow what could be, and don’t let yourself get stuck in what it “should be”
*Nothing ever belongs to you, nor will it ever. We get so caught up in ‘mine’, ‘yours’, ‘no ones’, our rights, and yet that creates so much greed, desire, lust, loss and disappointment. Consider instead; we own nothing, not even love, for everything can leave you in some way or another, but not your essence, not your spirit, your soul, that is your only possession, nurture it as it nurtures that that is not it’s own. Though we do not own things, we can still appreciate, experience them, as well as put them into practice.
*Through all this, meet yourself, get to know yourself, and along the way practice compassion and helpfulness. You are wonderful, capable and lovable.
I could end this with a quote, in fact I almost did, but I had another idea. Let me leave you with only yourself and your thoughts as the conclusion of this entry. Who are you, really and what does that you really need?