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Mu husband is unhappy… How do I change it?

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  • July 1, 2016 at 11:19 am #108677
    Agi
    Participant

    Hi! 🙂
    I just found this place and I thought I would write…
    I’ve been married for 2 years to the person I love more than anything. We are very different, want different things but my hubby is a master of making it happen anyway… He’s been going towards my way for a long time and it made me happy.
    The problem is it made him very unhappy… He feels like he lost himself, he’s depressed and drained.
    I am a very emotional person, I don’t control my emotions, I’m depressed and stressed out. He used to be a little sunshine and I took it away (unconsciously). He feels that he’s been doing everything to make me happy and it never works. I’m still unhappy and miserable and I’m angry. He feels that I’m jealous and I yell at him every time he checks out a girl (he loves me, he would never cheat on me, believe me, it’s very innocent).
    I’ve been going through medical licensing for 2 years now. I’m an MD from Europe who needs to start stuff basically from the beginning in America. It frustrates me, I feel drained and miserable as well. I feel worse than other people, keep comparing myself to them and I think this is the part of my jealousy – I feel worse than others and even innocent checking out makes me cringe.
    I’ve been changing him. He is different, I am too but he seems to be super okay with the way I am. But I still attack him and treat him like an enemy.
    He’s done so much for me… And he’s unhappy now… We are very close from getting divorced even tho we truly care about each other and there is lots of love… How do I stop this downward spiral? I can’t lose him.. he’s everything I always wanted.
    I feel like I wanna run away, tell him it’s done, I’m making you unhappy but He’s tried for 2 years and it’s my turn now…

    I want to make him happy 🙁

    July 1, 2016 at 12:20 pm #108678
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear shannon13:

    First thing you need to do is stop abusing him, that is: stop yelling at him. Never yell at him unless he is driving a car and about to crash into another. Then yell: Stop! That’s about the only kind of an exception, an emergency situation, an accident about to happen.

    Then watch your anger: do not direct it against him. That is abuse.

    Your distress, your needing to start professionally from the beginning, other things, all these are understandable. Express it to him… without attacking him!

    Express your emotions- you are an emotional person, so express those to him but take responsibility for those emotions. Don’t express them to him as if saying: I feel distress! It is your fault! Now what are you going to do about it????

    Express your emotions and listen to his. You are both distressed. You need each other’s comfort. You are not the child and he- the parent. if that was the case, then the parent would have to take care of you but as his wife, not his child, you need to see him as a fellow sufferer, not an all-powerful parent like figure.

    He needs comfort just as much as you do. He needs your comfort, you calming him, making it better for him. He is like a boy needing comfort, just as you are like a girl needing comfort.

    Please do post again:

    anita

    July 1, 2016 at 5:32 pm #108694
    Agi
    Participant

    Thank you so much, Anita.
    I appreciate it.
    You’re totally right. You nailed it.
    He’s told me many times that I need to take responsibility for my own life.
    I think I lost the ability to do this.
    He’s my very first serious relationship and I’m just very immature.
    I used to do everything by myself and I was better off. Once he showed up, a person who will do ANYTHING for me, I just sucked it all.
    I stopped being an independent, fully capable of coping with stress person. I lost it.
    I need to fix this.
    I know it’s my fault. I really do abuse this poor little boy.

    I’m actually surprised he’s still with me.
    I really want to change it and help him be happy.

    Thank you so much for this valuable response.

    July 1, 2016 at 5:46 pm #108697
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear shannon13:

    You are welcome. Good idea, to think of him often enough as a little boy and treat him with care. He is vulnerable: he gets hurt when you mistreat him. So be good to him.

    And be good to yourself, both: be good to him and to yourself.

    Post anytime.

    anita

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